(Warning--long message) I had 2 minutes to log on yesterday morning before a huge day at work, and I was heartened and lifted by your responses. Thank you all--Jamie, Tempest, Marie, Mare-- so much for helping me in my "hour of need." Last night was my self-designated "final vent" counseling session. I have, by the way, been limiting questions and vents about the affair to sessions. I work from lists that I've been compulsively writing, about things I want to know (from "What were you thinking when you talked to her on the phone with our daughter sitting next to you?" to "Do you love her?" "Do you hate me?" etc. etc.) and just things I wanted him to know ("I cannot compete with her because.."). I stuck to my "script" last night, and went back to Mother Theresa mode. (The counselor suggested that he not respond while I was talking.) I prefaced everything by giving him positive reinforcement for the things he's been trying to do (spend more time w/ me, show more affection, etc). Sometimes I said some mean things, but I warned him right before I did. I didn't blow up at him. I didn't get all my questions answered, but that's ok. Tempest--you hit the nail on the head with "You asking questions and desiring an apology are probably making him more determined not to do either."--I said that I needed an apology, but when the counselor told me to ask him for it directly, I said that the apology would need to come from his heart, when he's ready, and that I wouldn't ask him for it again. At the end of the session, I posed some possible reasons why his resentment has been building over the years (I'm controlling, I mother him, etc.), and he agreed that that was contributory. He also said that maybe he was attracted to a woman who had no life of her own and wanted to mold herself to please him because it was such a contrast to my controlling nature. I knew all along this had to be a major factor in our problems, but this is the first time he communicated it--perhaps the first time he actually thought about it. Major breakthrough. We sat close together on the loveseat during the session (last week he visibly moved as far away from me as possible). We slept close together in bed last night. Together we will be burning the notebook I kept all those lists in. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that the affair will not continue to haunt me, but… I feel very positive and hopeful right now--one of those high points on the roller coaster ride. Thanks again to y'all. I don't know what I'd do without you.
