Bomb, I smiled reading your butt-kicking message...it was harsh, but it did help a bit when I read it!
Ali, yes I identify with many of your feelings and experiences. Still go through lots of kleenex around here, and have had those kinds of awful sobbing experiences more times than I can remember. They have truly been the most painful feelings I have had in my life. And yes, being overcome with tears suddenly while driving happens for me to--but pull over and be safe!!
Just got back awhile ago from my dinner and theatre outing with W. I picked her up outside her place (this was new--we'd always met somewhere neutral first, or taken two cars). We had a good evening I think...no R. talk as expected, but it was okay because we can at least do this in MC. There was some laughter and she mentioned a couple of "remember when..." memories--that seemed new to me, but I don't think it necessarily means much. Afterwards, drove her home and we talked about non-R. stuff for about 10 minutes, then she gave me a very brief in-car hug and bid her goodnight. (no hug upon the greeting this eve)
It's painful to drive away with the sense that we live in two separate places. The whole night I was so aware that physically there is no contact or touch between us whatsoever. This is so strange because I realize how much we always used to be touching each other in conversation, sitting next to eachother, holding hands, etc. Tonight she sat in her seat during the play with arms in her lap or crossed--such that we would not even accidently touch elbows on the armrest. I remember looking at her this evening thinking that this is someone I have kissed, been intimate with...(and not so long ago!!) and yet now it's like there is an unspoken rule/sense that we can't even touch...almost like physical intimacy is something that never happened between us. It's so weird and incongruent. I wanted very much to kiss her this evening but I could tell that we're light years away from even the possibility of that!
Came home and cried again, that weird sense of even though things went pretty well--at least nothing negative happened--I feel like she is so far away. Hard to imagine anything for our future beyond a totally platonic experience. I know that it's possible things may slowly evolve, and that relative to where they were a month or two ago, this is actually pretty good news...arg...still feel pretty crap about it. It's tough when you know that your partner doesn't feel the same way about you. I still think she's beautiful, attractive...was kicking myself this evening for being such an idiot to neglect this part with her.
Well, I'm tired and that usually makes me see things more negatively. I've cried quite a bit tonight since coming home and probably just need to go to bed. There's loads more I could write about how I was comparing myself negatively (of course) to her and her life, but I think it's better to just shut that down for now and save it for another rainy day post!!
Thanks a lot for your support everyone. Any comments are welcome!
