Hanging on to what I believe in!

[One Day]

Hey BA!

Mexican food sounds good! And you sound like you're in a good place too. Happy Valentine's! I'm thinking of you and hope the rest of your day goed well,

((()))

L.xx

[Grace_O]

ba,

Been thinking of you, glad you popped in. The bike rides sound great and all in all you've had some nice stuff happening.
I read a book around a year back about the eggshell thing (yep, I have to be careful about that myself) titled "You don't have to take in anymore" by Steven Stosny. Has a confrontational sound to the title, but as I recall I found it helpful for ways to not.

I hope you have a good weekend. Enjoy the kids.

[transformer]

BA!!!

I have been lurking too. I read your Feb 14th post the day you posted it! I am SO excited to hear that your H got you a new bicycle and that you went bicycling *together*!! That is SO HUGE!! He is including you in a really important activity... so intentionally!!

Man, you guys covered a lot of territory! I love bicycling, I don't have a car and biking is the way I get around. But I know what you mean about getting used to traffic. It took me about a year of sidewalk biking (which only makes the pedestrians mad ) before I worked up the guts to go out into traffic. Just stay aware, you can do it! Could you investigate getting a new seat? I don't know that much about road bike style b/c I have a "hybrid" (mountain bike-ish frame with skinnier tires) but maybe something gel, with a cut out? But lady, you got clips and shoes! You are SO far beyond me in biking style!!

I am really glad to hear about how much time you are spending with your H. Biking together, mexican food together! I'm not sure if it is apparent from within the whirlwind, but from your posts, it sounds like he is doing WAY better than last week. that is so good!!

It sounds like you are doing so well in terms of giving him space, yet being receptive to spending time with him. I know you already know this, but stay focused on the positive changes, and do not let the Cr&p he throws at you make your head spin around too fast.

I hope you had a really good weekend with your kids... it is sad that he sees them as a source of stress, not joy, but maybe that will also change when he gets through his tunnel.

I was thinking about a post from a lil while back, where you were talking about how every waking moment is devoted to all of his different activities. I had a rather subversive thought when I read about everything he was doing. I thought: if this was a DB'er, he'd be getting an a plus in GAL!! Isn't that funny, how we react so differently, to the same behavior, dependent on the context? It's like the activities in and of themselves are actually positive and good. It just feels hurtful because it's all wrapped up in our experience of abandonment. Does that make any sense? But now that is changing already, because he is including you!

Finally... what are you going to do to make his school nights your "me" nights? Can you be really specific?

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the dramatic changes I want to make, so I just pick something really small and start with that. For me, it was downloading a new album online and listening to it while I tried a new muffin recipie. but everyone is different!

Let me know what you decide to do!!

(((((HUGE HUGS)))))))
TRANSFORMER

[ba065]

HI guys!

Hey T...thanks for your post...I'll pop over to say hello....
Grace: I'll check into that book...anything that is helpful is appreciated!

Rode bikes with H today...it was in the mid 50s. Went about 24 miles...and alot faster than last weekend....averaging about 17-18 mph except going uphill. I was really holding my own and keeping up with H who has about 6 months of riding on me.

H was off again today....before we even left for the bike ride he said something about me slowing him down and making these bike rides all about me...??? WTF? I've ridden 4 times with him since exactly 1 week ago...and I'm practically killing myself to prove I can keep up....I haven't complained about anything....I haven't begged to stop for a drink or a breath...I just keep going and going....????

Anyway, 12 miles into the ride he ditches me...going a different route that's harder and he wants to ride even faster. So off he goes one way...and I go another...and I was ticked off! Everything was going along pretty good and then I got run off the road by a car. Traffic was pretty heavy and I was on a winding road that really narrows down. There is no bike lane on this road but I was right next to the white line on the right side and this car went by really fast hugging the line...right where the asphalt is washed away and there was this 6 inch drop off to dirt....needless to say, I crashed, couldn't get my feet out of the clips in time....I wasn't hurt, just mad. The car didn't even stop. I called H and he made me wait for him - about 15 minutes. Then we rode the rest of the way together, even stopped for lunch before heading home.

I told him when we bought the bike that I didn't want him to leave me in the dust and here we are a week later and that's exactly what he did do....and I almost got runover in the meantime! And he asked me why I was upset...????Gee I wonder???

Tonight I overheard H on the phone with MOW....he was telling her he loves her...that is so hard to hear! I wish I hadn't heard it.

H layed in bed tonight for about 10 minutes complaining about life....how he hates his dead end job, doesn't care about paying off bills, doesn't care about keeping up the house, doesn't care about finishing school....doesn't care about what kind of job he gets after he's finished! I told him all of those things seem overwhelming together but maybe he should just concentrate on one thing like what kind of job he's interested in pursuing when he finishes school....and maybe he'd be able to start planning the future that way. He says he doesn't even really care...he probably won't be alive to see it anyway.

Talk about unstable! This is just too much...I can't deal with the ups and downs today. I told him to go sleep in his room...I'm tired and don't want to hear anything negative from him today. He wasn't ready to leave, I think he was looking for sympathy...but I'm fresh out right now. I'm thinking about doing that more often...it would be a realy 180 for me. What do you guys think? Do you think that's a good 180? I don't want to appear like I don't care, but I'm tired of him trying to bring me down all the time....I want to be happy...he says he wants me to be happy...but all he's doing is making himself happy.

[Essie]

Oh BA. So sorry that it is so hard for you at the moment. You must be emotionally exhausted.

I feel so mad at your H on your behalf! GRRR!!

Very sorry about the accident too - am glad it wasn't more serious, but what an awful thing to have happen to you.

I think any 180 that you can do that puts some of the focus back on yourself has to be good. You can only experiment and monitor the results - if it doesn't work you can always try something new.

My little suggestion is that you don't have to make it really obvious with H. For example instead of saying "H I'm really tired and you are bringing me down can you please go back to your room". You could say something like (in a cheery voice) "H I've got a new book that I'm dying to read, (or I'd love to paint my toenails, or I want to phone my girlfriend) so I'll let you get back to your room now". And then go ahead and do it and don't give H your full attention if he stays in the room. Just a thought. I hope you get the idea of what I'm trying to say!?!?

You get an A++++ for not responding to your H's phone call about MOW. I would have exploded, with disastrous results....

Is there an new activity you could take up that you purposely exclude H from so that you can get a bit of peace and happiness?

((((((BA))))))

[Nature Girl]

ba-

I hope you are doing well.

Good job on keeping up on the bike. Wow, you rock.

Good job on not saying anything to him about what he said to the MOW. Is he talking to her in plain sight and earshot of you? At least my H just uses his blackberry so I can tell myself maybe he really is staying on top of work stuff by driving for 7 hours with it between his legs(well, I guess I can't even tell myself that since Monday was a holiday and his office was closed!)

[transformer]

BA,

I read on someone else's thread that you weren't feeling well today. I hope you are feeling much better!! I think our situations can be so much more stressful than we realize, and when we're busting our butts to GAL it can be hard to remember to rest. I hope you are getting some good rest and letting your body heal itself.

(((HUGS)))
T

[One Day]

Hey BA,

Just checking in. Sorry to hear you're not feeling too good. But MEGA-AWESOME job not mentioning anything about MOW. You are a DB-ing pro!!

I think not showing H too much sympathy would be an excellent 180 and be good at helping you detach. And it would help you focus on you.... How are you feeling about doing it today?

((((BA)))) Hope you have a good day today,

L.xx

[ba065]

Someone sent me this email today....thought I'd share it with all of you. No offense to anyone who has other beliefs....it just made me feel good today.....sorry it's a little long!

Hugs to you all!

BA


Ten Guidelines From God

Effective Immediately,
please be aware that there are changes YOU need
to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be
completed in order that I may fulfill My promises
to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in
this life. I apologize for any inconvenience,
but after all that I am doing, this seems very
little to ask of you. Please, follow
these 10 guidelines

1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit
and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here
to take all your burdens and carry them for you?
Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little
thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it
on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY
to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care
of the problem. I can't help you until you turn
it over to Me. And although My to-do-list
is long, I am after all... God. I can take care
of anything you put into My hands. In fact,
if the truth were ever really known, I take
care of a lot of things for you that you never
even realize.

3. TRUST ME:
Once you've given your burdens to Me,
quit trying to take them back. Trust in
Me. Have the faith that I will take c are of
all your needs, your problems and your trials.
Pr oblems with the kids? Put them on My list.
Problem with finances? Put it on My list.
Problems with your emotional roller coaster?
For My sake, put it on My list. I want to
help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don't wake up one morning and say,
'Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think
I can handle it from here.' Why do you think
you are feeling stronger now? It's simple.
You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking
care of them. I also renew your strength
and cover you in my peace. Don't you
know that if I give you these problems bac k,
you will be right back where you started?
Leave them with Me and forget about
them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things.
Forget what was making you crazy.
Forget the worry and the fretting because
you know I'm in control. But there's one
thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't
forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU!
I want to hear your voice. I want you to
include Me in on the things going on in your life.
I want to hear you talk about your friends
and family. Prayer is simply you having
a conversation with Me. I want to be your
dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things from up here that you
can't see from where you are. Have faith in
Me that I know what I'm doing. Trus t Me;
you wouldn't want the view from My eyes.
I will con tinue to care for you, watch over you,
and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me.
Although I have a much bigger task than you,
it seems as if you have so much trouble just
doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?


7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were
only two years old. When did you forget?
That rule still applies. Share with those who are
less fortunate than you. Share your joy with
those who need encouragement. Share your
laughter with those who haven't heard any in
such a long time. Share your tears with those
who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith
with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime
you could have so many diverse experiences.
You grow from a child to an adult, have children,
change jobs many times, learn many trades,
travel to so many places, meet thousands
of people, and experience so m uch. How can
you be so impatient then when it takes Me
a little longer than you expect to handle
something on My to-do-list? Trust in My
timing, for My timing is perfect. Just
because I created the entire universe in
only six days, everyone thinks I should
always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them just
as much as I love you. They may not dress
like you, or talk like you, or live the same way
you do, but I still love you all. Please try
to get along, for My sake. I created each
of you different in some way. It would be
too boring if you were all identical.
Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I lo ve you, how can you not
love yourself? You were created by me for
one reason only -- to be loved, and to love
in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me.
Love your neighbors. But also love yourself.
It makes My heart ache when I see you
so angry with yourself when things go
wrong. You are very precious to me.
Don't ever forget......

[transformer]

BA,

Thank you for this, it is beautiful!! This is bringing tears to my eyes. Definitely "print out and reread and put on the refrigerator" quality!!

((HUGS))
T