A building is burning across the street. Logic says to run over inside and try to help people out. Once inside, nothing is the way you imagined. Nothing.
All logic just became useless. You are now questioning life itself. How can you help anyone else, if you may not be able to help yourself.
Have you considered you may be about to push her into a corner where she really will have no way out with dignity, except to defend and fight to the death?
If our situations were anything alike, it is not because I did that. I took all the crap she could conjure up. I gave all the rope I had, and then some. I would have down anything to get the X to take enough time and space to find her way back to the M. She was the one to say one of us had to go. She had pretty well secretly made up her mind and just struggled with finding the strength to end it.
I left. Never should have. I took my clothes to my dad's for about 18 months. She filed one year to the day of my moving. From the moment I left she said and did all she could to destroy my very being. She wanted me to give up and file. One of the boys was already moved out and the other was about to when I left. During the first year, they both moved home from college for the summer. She made it hell for them.
I never should have left. The boys were afraid I was going to hurt myself. My dad and sisters held a watch over me. I thought I would never enter my home again, or spend time there with the boys. In the last hour of the settlement I bought her out at a premium. She took her clothes and got an apartment. In the beginning all she could talk about wanting was her own little place.
I should have helped her pack and move in the beginning. Not sure how much would have changed. She would have had her private space to sort things out quicker. The kids wouldn't have had to watch her getting dolled up and going out all night on weekends, with "friends". Then complain to me that the men avoid her when they find out she is still M. Poor thang.
So X is now 17 again, but turning 50 this year. I've tried to make my home a safe place for the boys again. They visit and sometimes bring friends. Youngest was deeply damaged by the D. He was in college and became critically depressed. He wound up moving back in for four months last year. A friend of his used a guest room during that time while he was also getting past some problems in his life. I could not have been there for any of them if I had not managed to come home. Things would have been completely different if it had been up to X.
But what am I trying to suggest to you? I'm not sure. I'm not M to your W. But I was M to one that decided she had no feelings for me anymore and began going out with "friends" even before she decided one of us had to leave. She was caught in lies about who she was really with. I gave her forgiveness, and more rope.
Maybe my point is that we can tolerate quite a bit when we love someone else as much or more than we love ourself. Maybe my point is that I never comitted a crime that warranted my moving out of my home, or leaving my sons in her care. Maybe my point is you should not take this experiment too lightly in hopes of creating a miracle. You should completely expect the worst and honestly be prepared for it. Or wait.
Make up your mind first, what is best for the kids? They are not the ones making these decisions, but they will be forever affected by them. If you end up asking her if she wants in or out, be sure you are ready to define "out" in a way that does not portray her as a bad parent, only a spouse who wants to be on her own rather than working on the M.
If she wants to get an apartment, it is only the beginning, not the end. She might learn what she is missing. She might find it with someone else. You have a lot to think about before you run across the street into the burning building. Once you do, things won't look the way you expect. Reality will change, as will your life. Rolling the dice on this one will be very very serious. We know you have been at this a while. We support you and your decisions. We just hope you give yourself and the kids nothing short of your best. That even goes for the W.
