I also touched base with three really good friends I hadn't talked to in a while:
-One told me I was doing amazing, compared to another friend who had just gone through a breakup and was not dealing with it at all, she said in comparison it was like I 'broke a nail' which made me laugh so hard (esp b/c we're cellists, so we have no fingernails, they have to be stubby and short!!)
-Another ... this is awesome... told me about her experience as a WA. She and her then-boyfriend-now-husband broke up because of problems in their R. He wanted to work things out but gave her space to let her figure it out. She said that was the number one most important thing that helped her move towards reconciliation... that he gave her the space to really figure out what was right for her, not for him. She said the whole time she knew that he loved her, and the hardest thing in the end was accepting that he could forgive her. After about a year, they started dating again, a couple years later they got engaged, and now they are happily married and coordinating very exciting careers. It was so wonderful to hear it from her that I was doing the right thing.
-My third friend just WA'ed from her beloved boyfriend of many years. I have hope for their reconciliation!! But it was really helpful to get her perspective. She told me that what happens is you feel overwhelmed, so overwhelmed that you just become numb, and then the numbness turns to ambivalence. Because it is so stressful to try to hold two opposing thoughts in your head (stay or go) you just pick one and go with it. But she reassured me that I was doing the right thing too. It was amazing to connect with her.
FINALLY... after my last counseling session my C asked me to journal about trying to achieve reconciliation with a friend of mine. I decided to, instead of just journaling, DO SOMETHING about it.
Right after the bomb, this friend was very supportive, encouraging, and insightful. But a couple months ago, when I brought up my latest R-related realizations, she really lashed out at me and told me she couldn't believe why we didn't break up earlier, and that B probably just needed to go have sex with lots of different people, etc. Really hurtful. We hadn't talked since then. It had been at least 2 months, maybe 2 1/2.
So tonight I called her. I told her how I felt, and asked her to tell me how she felt. I tried to practice validating, and not share my analyses, so instead I could focus on what she was actually saying, instead of whether it fit with my pre-established theory. She told me that the phone is really hard for her, with everyone, and that she was really depressed about her own life when we had that conversation, and also that well before she made those remarks, she felt frustrated by phone claustrophobia and wanted to get off.
It was definitely extremely awkward to have an OR talk with a close girlfriend, but I did it, even though I was super scared! At the end, she spontaneously said she would try to reach out more by calling me on the phone. Wow!! I didn't even ask for that. So... practicing reconciliation with other people I love. Hooray!
Thank you so much for visiting! I hope you are doing so, so, so well. It means so much to open my lil computer and be able to connect to you, even though we have not met. Your words of affirmation make me feel so good!
Thank you SOOO much!! It made me super happy to get your valentine's day message. I let myself sleep in and then made a delicious omelette with fresh dill, cherry tomatoes, baby spinach, & crumbled feta... and wore my fluffy pink boots to school.
Thank you for saying my posts are thought out... I actually think about them away from the computer to make sure I am saying things correctly, b/c sometimes when I type right away out comes the most superficial possible reaction... so if I don't post right away it doesn't mean I'm not reading or thinking, just that it's all percolating!!
I have seriously considered this even before you asked! I wish I could fax them to you or something. I am afraid if I send them to you they will arrive moldy and inedible. That would be so sad!! Are you still going to NYC soon... was that to visit a friend? Could I ship them to your friend and you could have a muffin party together?
I have been reading your thread & I'm sorry to hear that you're discouraged. I am not sure what to say, but I am thinking for you and pulling for you.
Thanks for your post on my thread! You have such a positive outlook on things....I wish I were more like you in that regard! I have been enjoying the bike rides, but I'm pushing myself pretty hard and am afraid I'll burn out that way...I need to be careful not to do that!
You are right about the muffins being therapy....I like to bake too...although I'm not very good at it. Maybe on H's class night I should take some sort of cooking class...??? I'll have to check that out!
I was glad to see you enjoy biking too! Maybe someday we can meet somewhere and bike together!?
Hang in there! I think you are doing a great job....and I'm glad you reconnected with your friends!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Hi T! Can I chime in too? Thanks for your kind words on my thread, the analogy of your friend really helped. You are always a font of wisdom ! I found this interesting too...
Quote:
My third friend just WA'ed from her beloved boyfriend of many years. I have hope for their reconciliation!! But it was really helpful to get her perspective. She told me that what happens is you feel overwhelmed, so overwhelmed that you just become numb, and then the numbness turns to ambivalence. Because it is so stressful to try to hold two opposing thoughts in your head (stay or go) you just pick one and go with it.
Wow...sounds about right. You have a lot of R experience between you and all your friends ! Thanks for your suggestion about biking, made me smile as my local shop here is like the old one...500 from my house! Perhaps I could cycle to this one instead of drive!? Actually, I manage to walk it these days, so I am really 180-ing there.
I wondered if you found any of the info I sent you useful and if you have made any decisions yet on any timescales for contacting your BF, are you still planning to at Spring break? (is that right??)
Well done on doing so well at college, I think you are really good at applying yourself to things..cello, piano, DBing, baking!
