Finding Supermom - #4

[Startingover2]

Jenny...here is my take on the prayer thing. I was praying the same things you were...bring H home! But my friend told me to pray differently. I was praying to God what "I" wanted. "I" wanted God to bring H home. She told me instead to pray that God's will be done and he gives you strength to make good decisions and run the race before you. She told me to also pray for H. That was a tough on for me to do because emotions were running high and I didn't want to pray for H because he had hurt me so much.

Now, I don't always pray like that because I forget or I am too angry with H (You have seen me), but it does give you more peace.

Hope your feeling better.

[JennyF]

B,
Once again you've come through for me.

What are your 180s? Have you experimented with different behaviors and monitored the results? Are you doing anything that is working? What are you doing to get a life? Are you able to stay positive daily?

There is nothing that I can do that it is going to get me any kind of immediate results. So because of this I kind of fell of the 'monitoring results' wagon. I have to relook at my goals and my small signs again and focus them on more long term changes in H. I posted them all a while back and I need to review to stay solution based. Thanks for the reminder.
I am definitely working on the GAL thing and this week is going to be my TSN turning point (that could be a Canadian thing...).
I'm going to get the lawyer crap out of the way and really start doing my thing. My little hobby is baking and decorating cookies. I do them for all occasions and sell them. I've done quite well with this in the past over various holidays, but they are time consuming and life as a mom has put it on the back burner. Well, I need the money, I love to do it and I just happen to have extra time on my hands every other weekend and a couple nights during the week. I'm looking forward to diving into it for Easter.
OK...that's my GAL.

Now for the prayers.
Thank you so much for your input. I found it so helpful and I hope the others who could relate to my question also got something out of it.
I think all the time about the free will. Not just my own, but that of H. I can't control H or his decisions. So I keep asking God to talk to him.

I prayed that God would give me the strength to keep a positive attitude and do positive things. Not to let me get bogged down by negative emotions and actions. I prayed that He bring peace to my W's discontented heart and that she feel both mine and His love for her. I prayed for the Lord to show my heart how to have unconditional love and through His Grace let it be known to her.

This reminds me of a prayer I wrote when S was only 5 days old. It was my 'petition to God'. I went back and rearead it today. I need to keep my focus on that when it come to H and continue to pray for myself to do what I need to.
This is my prayer:

October 24th, 2007

Dear God,
Although I've been praying...a lot, for what it is that I want in my heart, this is my attempt to make it perfectly clear to you what I am asking for. What I am praying is possible for you to make happen. I have had some contradictory requests like help me let him go VS please bring him back to me. But this is to be clear.
What I want more than anything is this, to be able to let H go right now so that he may find peace within himself. My greatest wishes and prayers are that in the process of his soul searching that he will find it within himself to remember and feel the love that he once had for me. And that he will build on those feelings to give me and our family a second chance at happiness together.
That is what I want. I want him to be happy. I want him to be happy with himself and his choices and feel peace. I find it hard to ask for this last part, because in my heart I want that to mean that finding peace will mean he will find it with me.
I pray that H will one day again find peace and love with me.
Please also give me the strength to be strong of mind and heart during the time when I must let him go to find his way. Give me the strength and confidence to attack each day with enthusiasm and positivity for myself and for my children. Let me be the woman who will most attract H back to me with the love and admiration he once felt for me.
This is what I pray for. This is what I humbly ask you for. I believe it is possible, with all my heart and soul I believe this is possible.
I am eternally grateful to you for all the blessings in my life, and they are many.

Thank you with all my heart.

I truly do want H to be happy and I know that may mean without me. It scares the crap out of me...but I do want him to be happy.

That is if you truly believe what you are praying for and Who you are praying to.

I do I do!!

God speaks to us through many varied means. You can find his voice in scripture, in other people, or even just in your surroundings.

And sometimes He sends a sweet guy with great advice to post on my thread to make me feel better.
Thanks B.
J~

[phbear316]

Hi Jenny

just stopping by to say hi, and let you know i am thinking about you.

I would buy some cookies from you. Ever think of expanding to mail order. I sure you could get a lot of sales from this site.

Bear

[JennyF]

bear...I'd love to be able to do mail order cookies! I turn away so much business here just because I don't have the time. I've done weddings and things and I'm hoping to one day turn it into a full time business. That's my pipe dream anyway. It's funny because H was never really at the supportive of it. Not that he minded me doing it, he knew I loved it...but whenever I talked about making a go of it he would talk about how we couldn't do without my full income. You know it's things like that until recently I hadn't been fully realizing. Maybe I wasn't that happy either. I was content...but H wasn't really going out of his way to support me and it had be going on a LONG time. It's how I know this crisis started so long ago.

Anyway...I'm a little peeved at H right now.
This is my weekend with the kids. H saw D briefly Thursday evening when he popped in for something and then isn't going to see them again until Monday.
On Friday night D got upset about something...she almost fell off a chair. No big deal, but she's 3 and it upset her.
I got her calmed down and she was doing ok. Then she started saying how she wanted her Daddy. Now she often does this when something is wrong (getting in trouble or she's just upset). She says she wants her Daddy. But she had calmed down and was just saying she wanted to talk to him.
So I called his cell and there was no answer. I had D leave him a message to call her back. It was cute. She was a bit upset though because he wasn't there for her to talk to. This was 6PM on Friday night and I still haven't heard from him.
Why wouldn't he call?
I think that he may be away on a trip somewhere with OW. I don't know why I have this suspicion.
Not that I really care...it wouldn't surprise me. But should he not be available 24/7 for his kids? And if he happens to not be available shouldn't he call as soon as he is?
I'm sad for D right now. I've tried not to mention it to her so hopefully she doesn't remember that she asked him to call her and he didn't.
I have to talk to him about it...I have to figure out a way to do it DB style. I don't want to be angry, I just want to do what is right for her and he needs to available to her if she needs him. AND...if he is indeed out of town...shouldn't I know that in case I need to get a hold of him about the kids? Like in an emergency?
He isn't thinking like a Dad right now.

That's my story.
Any thoughts?
J~

[JennyF]

I doubled up on posts some how...just deleting one!

I have to talk to him about it...I have to figure out a way to do it DB style. I don't want to be angry, I just want to do what is right for her and he needs to available to her if she needs him. AND...if he is indeed out of town...shouldn't I know that in case I need to get a hold of him about the kids? Like in an emergency?
He isn't thinking like a Dad right now.

I struggled with this with my W at the very beginning. She'd go out in the evening and come home at 2-3am or something insane. Of course, she'd never answer her phone at all the whole time.

I forget exactly what happened, but at one point she got it into her head that she needed to be available in the event something happened with D - Part of it was me not calling her at all unless there was a problem, and part was her making an effort for D.

I had a problem on Friday with my W when I'd call her, and she'd not answer, but she'd instant message me later. wtf is that? My W has four phone numbers - Two of which are cell phones (one personal, one from work), and she is the most impossible person to get a hold of. She is weird about using phones in the first place, but she has caller ID so she knows it's me... Maybe that's the problem

[W2G]

Hi Jenny,

I hate the whole message thing.. I always get the same old story about I just received your message right now... when I left the message 6 hours ago. Why, why , why... I will never be able to make sense of it. Your H should let you know if he is leaving town just in case you need to reach him in case of an emergency.

You bake?? Mmmmm.. now we definitely need to start hanging out. Really though, I think our D's may like hanging out with each other. Mine will be 2.5 at the end of this month.. so they are reasonably close in age.

As for email.. If you want, email me at my hotmail account. (I'm not going to actually post the entire email address all together.. but you know it ends with @hotmail.com). My email address is nikisings

W2G

[lizzy]

The phone call thing really peeves me too. Before the bomb H never seemed to answer my calls. He always had an excuse, bad recepetion, in a meeting, whatever. I don't think H normally misses calls from EAs. Now I only call him about the Ds. I would love to know if anyone has an idea how to approach the WAS about this in a positive way.

[Startingover2]

He hasn't answered your D for 2 days? Thats insane and so irresponsible. He should be available for his children 24/7. OW or not, that is wrong. I am sure you will find a good way to bring it up. That situation is not about you and him its about your D.

I love the baking idea. Could you get it to generate enough income then you can stay home with kids and its something that YOU want to do. I would definately check into that.

Hope your day is good.

[blindsided1]

I hope that your H has contacted your D by now. That really sucks. It would take a lot for me not to totally let him have it for that one. I'm sorry, but he's being a selfish, irresponsible jerk. That just makes me mad. I hope your D forgot about it, at least.

Good luck on the cookie thing.