NikB #25

[NikB]

Don't think I need the fireproof ones at least!

Good idea OT, thanks.

[blindsided1]

Just wanted to wish you a Happy V-Day. I hope you have a wonderful dinner. I'm just waiting for the day to be over. But, it's nice to see some of us are having a pretty nice day. Thinking of you.

[NikB]

Thanks Blindsided!

So.. wow... what a night. Major upswing, that's for sure.

I got home and H was in the garage working on his car - dropped everything to come over and give me a hug and several great kisses. His eyes lit up when he saw the gift bag (yay, was glad I went ahead and got something!).

He was being kinda funny (in a good way) about making sure he walked in the house the same time I did, and that I went through the front door rather than the garage door. Once we got inside I saw he'd gotten me some really beautiful flowers. I thanked him and was admiring them, and then he told me that he had arranged them himself!!! Told me about laying them all out on the counter, putting them into the vase one by one - and that he made sure to face the arrangement so I'd see the "best part" when I came in the door. Made me feel SOO good, I almost cried (very happy tears of course).

He then opened his gift and we had a good laugh about the "sexy" underwear (the obvious.. "You're so hot you have to wear fireproof undies!"). He liked and appreciated them a lot. It was funny, he said "I thought you might get me undies but I sure didn't expect these!" I said I knew he'd be much more excited about Nomex than silk.

As I thought might happen he kind of backpedaled on what restaurant to go to - which I actually think was probably good, too much "stuff" tied to the other place, at least right now. He suggested somewhere kinda casual instead then said "Wait no, that's no good - we can go there anytime, we should go somewhere fancier." So we did go to a nice dinner. They don't take reservations so it was about a 2.5 hour wait. I was a little nervous about us trying to "fill" that much time - turned out to be no problem at all. We talked and talked.. nothing "big" but just talking like normal people who like each other. When they called us I was shocked and said "Oh wow they must have gotten us in early" - then looked at a clock and realized no, the time had just flown by. WOW, been a lonnnng time since that happened.

We had a great dinner, good conversation the whole time - lots of flirting too (both there and on the drive home). When we got home I started to give him a back rub.. know we were both thinking of "more" as well, but it was REALLY late by then and we both had to work early today, so we decided to go to bed. (with H saying "But ya better watch out tomorrow night!!" in a fun way)

Wow...

Trying to think of how my behavior has changed recently and what may be helping to contribute to this overall positive change. The main thing I can really think of is Oldtimer's comment that I wasn't treating H as my H, that really opened my eyes (thanks OT!). Yes I had in my head how I wanted our R to be and how I'd be "if/when he recommits" - but of course that was causing me to be very guarded and NOT treat him as my H right now, today, making our R not a very good one, and who'd want to recommit to that, right?? (I sure didn't, was just "biding my time," and my guess is so was he). So I've been more open, less guarded, talking to him more about his thoughts on things (not R things, but asking for his input/opinion/ideas a lot more on other stuff.. figure that's a start).

Maybe it's helped, maybe it's just coincidental timing.. but whatever it is, I'm sure glad to see us moving in such a more positive direction. I'm too superstitious and paranoid to hop over to Piecing again... but it's sure looking like that's the direction we're going. I hope so.

Oh - one other thing I forgot to post here that I wonder if it contributed, too. I kid you not, the ENTIRE weekend at the race track, I don't think more than an hour went by without someone making R/M/D comments. None of them knew anything whatsoever about our sitch. Examples... the guy next to us saw me getting in to ride as passenger and said "WOW you ride in the car?" Then to H "You're a lucky man! My wife won't even come out here with me nevermind support me or ride in the car! She barely even lets me go." [side note: I always laugh now when people say "let" in that way - yeah, like anyone "lets" the other person do XYZ...anyway...]. He said a LOT of stuff like that throughout the weekend. Another time, several of the guys were talking about how to get into the sport inexpensively and one guy said "Well I heard on the news Ds are on the rise this time of year, probably a good time to pick up a car - lots of wives saying either sell the car or I'll D you, or guys having to sell their cars because they can't afford it after the D." OK seriously.. I did not pay these people... but wonder if it triggered some thoughts in H maybe.

[MichelleLT]

I'm glad you two had a good Valentine's Day! It sounds like things are moving in the right direction. Yay!

And TGIF! Have a great weekend!

[NikB]

Thanks Michelle - yeah, I'm still kind of in shock today I think!! Very happy shock, though.

Happy Friday to you as well! Hope you have a good weekend. Looks like it's going to be gorgeous weather here.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

those comments at the race are so ironic!!

So glad you had a great time on Vday! and ya, the sentimental restaurant probably isn't the time yet, but I bet next year might be!

I also think your really true to yourself and confident now than before and that is a BIG reason for your fight for your M.

have a great weekend!!!

[NikB]

Thanks ST!!

It was sort of off-hand but I got an ILY tonight, after going out with friends for the night (also huge I was invited!!), and being introduced as "My wife N" all night. Wow..

I'm sorry to sound "ungrateful" or something but I am sooo afraid to trust all these positives... am I nuts??

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I think you should definitely trust what he is saying, but I understand the hesitancy of giving your full trust and vulnerability to him, if he did it before, what will stop him from doing it again.

Really, you will never know for sure. But we can't live the rest of our lives in fear. At some point you will need to give that fear up and choose to live in the present. I think you'll know for sure when you can do that, when H makes an actual worded or action of his commitment to you. I think he will do that, when, I'm not sure. This was something that was ALWAYS on my mind. How would I know when H was really done be stupid and was remorseful and wanted me only. I never ever ever ever thought he would actually use words to tell me. I figured he'd just let things go how they were like it never happened. But shockingly, he actually DID tell me. I was away and he text me, but he even said he wanted me as his W forever. granted he was a bit drunk, sooooo, maybe that's what you need, to go on a vaca and tell your H to go get drunk or something.... haha, just kidn.

very cool he's introducing you that way too, and the ILY... that's awesome!

[MichelleLT]

Sounds like two fantastic positives.

I know it doesn't seem like it to you and you still have your fears and doubts, but things really seem to be progressing. You sound like you are in a really good place emotionally/mentally too. You are having fun and enjoying the things you do with him, still keeping up with the belly dancing and all, but managing to balance work and life and keep that PMA.

Have a great weekend!

[NikB]

Thanks ST and Michelle!

You're right... my choice to give this another try, which also means setting aside the fear, for now. I do feel like I'm doing much better at keeping my own life and identity, rather than "disappearing" into the M again.

On that note.. here's some recent pictures, one from when H got his new helmet, one from Valentine's day, and one of the beautiful flowers he arranged for me.

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=agmzr87a.5essbmse&x=0&y=5vuhqy