I've just read your stuff, and I see one really big thing I think you should consider changing. You REACT to her too much. She does something, you have to counter. Like the bank account thing. Just realize that it's ok for you to do NOTHING. Always do things that you think are the right thing to do because they are the best thing for you, not just to make any kind of an impression on her. She needs to see you strong and calm and self determined, not reactive. You need for her to see you strong and calm and self determined.
Just live your life to the best you can be, and don't react to her or let her push your buttons. If she talks about D, let her talk. You don't have to say or do anything. If you find another note, let it go. You don't have to do anything. By doing nothing you not only avoid annoying her, but you also avoid helping her to move anything along. You make her do all that work. Myself, I would not have moved out of the BR, but if it works for you and helps your peace of mind, that's great and is really what's important. Concentrate on noticing what things you do are that create positive results and do more of that. If you notice that your actions cause you or her to be uncomfortable, stop it! Do more of what is working and less of what isn't.
Learn and live the "serenity prayer". "God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference." There is a lot going on in HER life right now that you cannot change. Leave her alone to her own misery, and make yourself happy and content. You cannot change her mind or her feelings directly. You can only change how you allow yourself to be affected by her. You can change your outlook on everything.
The Serenity Prayer and a short book called "The Four Agreements" have gone a long way to helping me preserve my peace of mind. The Four Agreements are, briefly paraphrased: 1/ Be impeccable with your word. This means only say what you mean, means what you say, and never say or do anything other than exactly what you intend. 2/ Don't make assumptions. Ask questions. Work in facts and not presumptions or paranoid fantasies. If you don't know what's going on, understand that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. Always remember that. Ignorance can be bliss. 3/ Don't take anything personally. She is a mess emotionally. Think about how you are feeling, and know that she feels at least as mixed up, and probably more so. If she says something that causes you to think you should feel hurt, realize it is not about you, but about her pain. 4/ All ways do your best. Never do anything less than the best you can. Never do anything you don't intend to do (see number one). Always do the best you can with what you have, and know that you have done all you can.
Finally, another thing I have done preserve my sanity. A long time ago, when I was confronted with a raging PA, letters from divorce attorneys, refusal to see any MC, and simply a spouse who said she wanted out at all costs, I realized that what she did was NONE OF MY BUSINESS. If I chose to think it was, I only cause myself unbearable pain, and cause her to resent me more. I lowered my expectations of her to nothing, zip, nada. I expected absolutely nothing from her. What then happened was that everytime I got the slightest positive response from her, it was cause to celebrate, because it was so much more an nicer that anything I expected. Both of these are very hard, but they worked for me.
God bless you. You sound good, and you sound resolved to do all you can to make this work. Good for you. My prayers are with you.
