Your wife's fatalism keeps her from being willing to try. As long as she believes she must follow some destiny that is laid out for her, you can't make any headway. Let her go. If her fate truly awaits, great, she was right. If she runs into brick walls and finds there is no destiny, then maybe she'll look back and see that what she left behind was a good life. You can't reason with her. She has her head filled with all this new age stuff.
Your wife's fatalism keeps her from being willing to try. As long as she believes she must follow some destiny that is laid out for her, you can't make any headway. Let her go. If her fate truly awaits, great, she was right. If she runs into brick walls and finds there is no destiny, then maybe she'll look back and see that what she left behind was a good life. You can't reason with her. She has her head filled with all this new age stuff.
I don't know Sara, we've been broken for a long time. Maybe it WASN'T a good life.
I can't tell you how many times she told me I was trying to 'control' her last night. I was. I was trying to fix it and I know it was a mistake but that's what I DO. I'm broken.
In reality I haven't been a good partner and as I listened to her I kept thinking that we just never are able to get it together. In the first 6 years or so of our marriage I was a lot stronger, I started my company and grew it till I sold it. After that bad stuff all happened when the new guys totally changed the culture and I lost my self esteem and my friends I haven't been the same since. That was 10 years ago. We've broken up twice since then and this is the third time. Each time I was still broken after 'fixing' the situation.
Even though I KNOW now that I need to be fixing myself and I'm committed to that, I can't expect her to believe that any more. and from her words it seems like she doesn't want to take the chance again. She has some 'love' for me but not enough to try. Her heart is closed. Period.
I just see her eventually meeting some decent guy who treats her well and isn't as high maintenance as I am, Mr 'type A' with an intense emotional side. She'd probably be happier with someone less intense. She just wants someone to love, who also loves himself. Is that too much for her to ask?
Even though I want to BE that person, sometimes there is too much damage to fix and it can't be done.
I'll get my demons under control in the next year and recover what's left of my life and my career. I think that if she moves out, the less contact we have the better off I'll be as I can let her go. I wish I had some friends near me but I don't. I'll need to join a divorce recovery group or something I guess.
I hope other people are learning this lesson. DB'ing isn't fixing your marriage, without the solid foundation of 'yourself', it won't last.
I really think I'm most of the reason this didn't work. It takes two to be sure, but she did the best she could and now she's still doing what she thinks is best. Her calm and resolve and my hurt and fear are opposites. I'm codependent, insecure and afraid of losing her.
Maybe she will get a room to rent and move out sooner. That will probably be better and make it easier to let go than it is now. She doesn't think I'll keep the house very long and maybe she's right. she seems to be right about a lot of things that I don't want to be true.
I'm a mess, and I didn't take care of myself. My marriage is over, my kids are broken hearted and my W loves me but sees no reason to try any more. Her heart is closed and she wants someone else to show up in her life who doesn't have these issues.
Frank---I'm so sorry you're hurting.
ONLY YOU know what you feel you can and are willing to do. If you feel you need to give up you have that right.
And if you don't want to give up, you don't have to. There are still other things you can try, but you really have to try them.
EITHER WAY it involves....removing the appearance of neediness. Hiding your broken heart from her and your daughter. It's a tough job. A very big order. And it is truly up to you.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I know you're down and defeated right now Frank. Tomorrow you won't feel quite so resigned to the final outcome. Right now your mode is to believe all the things she's said, even though you know what a mistake that is. Right now your mode is to agree with her that you have no future together, even though you know that's not right too.
Everyone has gone through this. Usually right after a seemingly rational heart to heart with our WAS.
It happens because we allow their relative exterior sanity to make us believe that they really are speaking the truth. Their version of events are so incriminating, and we've gotten so little feedback from them in the past, our hungry heart and mind takes it all in and gives it a credibility that, in our right minds, we would know it does not deserve.
Frank is NOT a quitter. But Frank IS pretty whupped right now.
I've asked you twice already about some time away for Frank. I'm talking REAL time away. Rest, relaxation (whatever that means for you Frank), and peace and quiet. You need to recharge, find your center a bit again.
You're not the cause of all the problems in your relationship.
And most importantly...
YOU DID NOT QUIT when the going got tough, SHE DID.
And she's right back in that quitting mode again.
So let her quit Frank. Doesn't mean you have to buy her load of half-truths and over emphasized faults. Let her quit.
What do we know about spouses who go MLC on us?
1. You're not the problem, they are. 2. You can't solve their problems, only they (and God) can. 3. Nothing you do is likely to help. 4. Some things you do CAN hurt. 5. They need their space and eventually you learn that YOU need them to have their space too.
One last time, so I'm sure you've read it and understand my message...
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This is not the end. And you do NOT have to be lost. If I had posted this thread TO YOU, you would know JUST what to tell me to do. Think about it.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I've asked you twice already about some time away for Frank. I'm talking REAL time away. Rest, relaxation (whatever that means for you Frank), and peace and quiet. You need to recharge, find your center a bit again.
A great idea! Is it an option?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I know you're down and defeated right now Frank. Tomorrow you won't feel quite so resigned to the final outcome. Right now your mode is to believe all the things she's said, even though you know what a mistake that is. Right now your mode is to agree with her that you have no future together, even though you know that's not right too.
I'm not sure why you think "that's not right too". Maybe it is. Maybe there is too much hurt over too much time. Why wouldn't you think that is the case?
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It happens because we allow their relative exterior sanity to make us believe that they really are speaking the truth. Their version of events are so incriminating, and we've gotten so little feedback from them in the past, our hungry heart and mind takes it all in and gives it a credibility that, in our right minds, we would know it does not deserve.
Yeah, I talked to a friend who, when he heard the 'two souls' story said she was really not rational if she believes that. And, the 'soul #1 is the one who is in love with you' as opposed to 'WAS in love with you' is a strange comment.
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So let her quit Frank. Doesn't mean you have to buy her load of half-truths and over emphasized faults. Let her quit.
Which means to me that I need to quit on her also. Hard to do.
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One last time, so I'm sure you've read it and understand my message...
Quote:
This is not the end. And you do NOT have to be lost. If I had posted this thread TO YOU, you would know JUST what to tell me to do. Think about it.
Yeah, she's not an MLC but she is a lost woman. I need to accept this and only do things that take care of myself from now on. Like my counselor said "How long do you want this to hurt?"
One thing I don't understand is why you or others don't see this as 'the end'. She has shut down, and sees her future being better because we can't heal together. We HAVE had a rough time for years. Not because we didn't love each other though. Because I didn't take care of myself. Neither did she.
Thank you so much for taking the time to post to me.
From my point of view, the reason I don't see this as an end is because your wife is so passive, floating on a raft through life, waiting for the tide to bring her success and riches and her heart's desire. And I don't expect her to be successful at that. Because success takes work. And she's not willing to make effort. So I think she will be back. Because you are still going to be there, willing to pick up her pieces and clean up her mess. And no one else is likely to.
To many people, life just "happens". They are the ones who might pass through here only briefly because no matter which side of the fence they are on (WAS or LBS) they simply refuse to look into themselves with the critical eyes it requires to understand how they got where they are and how much of a role they themselves did play in it.
You are similar to me in that you are one that HAS to understand the "whys". Well Frank, that is both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because the only way we can be reasonably assured that we will not repeat the past, is to fully understand how that past came to bring us to THIS horrible present in the first place. This is growth and it takes guts to survive this part. You are here and there is a light at the end of this tunnel, Frank. This need for understanding though...it is also a curse because with your eyes now fairly wide open, you wish to God that you could share this deep understanding with your wife and have her share in your hope that now, yes now, things can finally take a turn towards healing for you personally as well as your relationship with her. She does not share in that hope with you and that is the curse of greater understanding. She can't step up to stand beside you in this little victory because she has began a long-overdue journey of her own. You have no choice but to let her go or you will destroy yourself and your daughters in the process, Frank, so you have got to cut the cord. Stop TALKING about doing it, just open your eyes - see what is happening - and let it have the effect on you that it is going to have and then cut it loose.
I am very sympathetic to how you feel right now so even though I may come off harsh, I also know that you want the truth and you don't want it candy-coated so that's why I am posting.
The truth Frank, is your wife is an airhead but she got that way through understandable means. Her childhood and teen years were screwed and now she's a grown woman with two self-sufficient kids and has only recently really gotten a life to call her own (shallow though it may be). She's feeling her way and I'm sorry but yes, you have probably been a drag for someone like her - that never looks past the surface - to live with. On the other hand, she thinks life is calling to her and you, and that house and your life together, binds her. She's breaking free and you know what? She NEEDS to. If you love her enough, although it hurts you deeper than anything else ever has, you will let her go and do what she feels she needs to do for herself. Make no mistake, you don't have to like it but consider this: "You will never experience the true value of LIFE unless you approach it BY seeking WISDOM...the Wisdom of God, not the rationalization of man." All this "knowledge" that you have must, to your wife, sound like rationalization. Excuse making, if you will, and even an attempt at manipulation. All the times you talk, explain and wax on about what you now "get", do you realize the ground that you are preparing? I'll tell you. Frank, she has to get out there in the world with all the lonely days and nights and penny pinching she will ultimately endure. You don't know how deafening the silence can be when your children are no longer with you, Frank...She MUST do this. She might succeed but more than likely the world will chew her up and spit her out. If you do not shut up, you will ensure only one thing; that she will never come back because to do so will be the equivalent of listening to you say "I told you so". I don't think she's strong enough to swallow that.
Your actions now are determining the future. The words you are speaking are either bringing life or they are bringing death. If you can not determine which of the two your words will bring just shut up, for they are idle and serve no purpose.
It's time for Frank_D to make a life that he can call his own. It's time for Frank_D to seek wisdom. Not just understanding.
