mark, let me just ask you something. if your daughter's husband put her in a position where the only car she had to drive was a high mileage (and I assume possibly unreliable) car, wouldn't you, no matter what, help her attain something safer? Because I'll tell you right now, I would for mine. yes, even if she was having an affair, I still would. add the fact that she has kids involved, and hell yeah.
you are right...she shouldn't need her dad to do this. she shouldn't need you to do it. I'll tell you right now, though, if I were your wife, I would have been on the dealer lot buying a new car the moment you issued your decree.
I understand that you are hurt...of course you are! I understand that you are angry. trust me, btdt. but at the same time, I am worried that you are going to end up consumed and blinded by that anger. You seem to be trying to control so much here, it has to be exhausting for you. I'm worried about you, mark. take that for what its worth, but I'm putting it out there.
take care of yourself. remember the serenity prayer:
God, grant me the Serenity To accept the things I cannot change... Courage to change the things I can, And Wisdom to know the difference.
There is NOTHING you can do to prevent your wife from seeing Shrek. Nothing. Let it go. move on if you are ready to. But don't let yourself be consumed by the anger/hate/resentment.
(((HUGS)))
Last edited by SallyM; 02/16/0808:14 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Oh, Sally, by all means I would help any of my kids in their time of need. No question there. I am not angry at her father for offering to help.
My primary motivation for taking the keys from her was to make it more difficult for her to visit her boyfriend. When she gets home from car shopping, I will tell her that. And offer to switch (in other words, follow what lwb suggested).
But you know, Sally, I get tired of the blatant and repeated disrespect that she shows for me. I understand that I will not be able to prevent her from seeing her boyfriend. I get that. But it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I am not consumed by anger and hurt. I am consumed with a passionate pursuit of happiness and fulfillment. And I don't get that at home. I am not finding happiness and fulfillment at home. So I am working to create an environment where I am happy. And this environment includes a nice car. Well, it did for about a week...
Firstly I think the 'Condor' persona may have had to change again.
I agree with lwb about your immediate actions and I also agree totally with what Sally said.
I take on board your replies to Sally but do you explain it to your W like that? Do you talk to her at all?
If I was her I would see all this as just petty, making life as difficult as possible. Strikes me that you are just digging yourself holes with this sort of attitude. If it's that bad for goodness sake file!!! Your current behaviour strikes me as it alienates your W further, harms your R with your in-laws, and is not good for anyone. Your kids must feel like they live in a war zone.
Quote:
I am consumed with a passionate pursuit of happiness and fulfillment. And I don't get that at home. I am not finding happiness and fulfillment at home. So I am working to create an environment where I am happy. And this environment includes a nice car. Well, it did for about a week
Mark, choose your battles more wisely. This one seems to have gotten you into a lose, lose situation. And honestly, happiness is not a word I would associate with you and your postings at the moment.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Well, I offered to switch back, explaining to her that I made the change in order to make it more difficult for her to meet with her boyfriend. She refused, saying "the wheels are in motion" (whatever that means).
My next step is to call her father and tell him I offered her the car, and she refused to switch back. I will tell him that there is a reason that she needs his help: Because we cannot afford a new car. I will also explain to him the reasons that I made the change.
I am consumed with a passionate pursuit of happiness and fulfillment.
See, mark, I haven't seen much of this. A few poker nights here and there, a few nights out, but mostly I've seen you trying to gain control of the situations that are out of your control. Of course you are hurt. and of course you are angry. but from what I read, you are riding the wave of righteousness and calling it empowerment. That's not the case, not at all.
If you are ready to, separate, or even divorce. if not, let it be. but you shot yourself in the foot here. you backed your wife into a corner, and you expected her to mildly submit to your decree (and yes, it did come off to me that you dictated a decree to her...there was no discussion, no agreement, just like it or lump it, honey, and, oh, here's your bill for the priviledge). She didn't. Her choice. She fought back...like most people backed into a corner will do.
yes, you can go to her father, but I doubt it will do anything. you come off poorly here. jmho.
I guess what I would like to see is you really pursuing happiness, regardless of your wife's choices. You cannot change her choices, you can't even influence them.
Make some choices for Mark....but do it so that it doesn't hurt her, if possible. whatever comes, she's the mother of your children, and she is going to be in your life for the rest of your lives, in some capacity. You don't have to be buddies, but you do have to learn to communicate, and it will be better for everyone, especially your kids, if you can do it respectfully. even if she slings sh!t at you, you don't have to sling it back. doesn't mean you have to sit and be covered in it...move on, make your own life, but don't sling it back. you are better than that.
Last edited by SallyM; 02/17/0801:25 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Well, I offered to switch back, explaining to her that I made the change in order to make it more difficult for her to meet with her boyfriend. She refused, saying "the wheels are in motion" (whatever that means).
You tried. Sorry I couldn't help but giggle about the pun fun (wheels in motion...car talk....).
We just want YOU happy. We want you to have a great relationship with your kids. Mark, you are my #1 priority when it comes down to you and your W. You deserve all the happiness, you really do.
I wonder, like saffie said, maybe you SHOULD file? I know, this is her game, but really, think about it. You see no chance of working it out, right?
like lwb say's, YOU are our No1 priority and you seem to be making it harder for yourself.
Your W is acting like a teenager and the more you try to stop her the more determined she will be to do something. I have similar fights, (obviously not over the same things or on the same scale) with my rather fiesty 15yr old daughter nearly every day. I have learnt I HAVE to use reverse psychology. When she came home at age 14 and told me she had an 18yr old BF I felt sick. Could I show it - NO. I gritted mt teeth, smiled, and said "Bring him home honey - we'd love to meet him". Did I ever see him? - no. Did it last long?- no. The whole purpose of him was to pi$$ mom off and when it didn't work she saw him for the dead beat he was and disposed of him.
I would push your W to Shrek - by all accounts he is a no good SOB. The more she see's him the more easily she will see this. If you are going to expend cash and energy do it on something that will sort this mess out. FILE!!!!!
At the moment I truly believe you will lose the goodwill of your IL's and that is not in either your's or your kids interests.
Mark, we care about you and we can see you hurting, that is why we say these things. Sometimes not backing down is counter productive, other times it can be good. It just seems that in your situation you have done those two things at the wrong time. I don't think she will expect you to file and it would be a big shock. The only reason I can see for not filing is if you think you could maybe continue to be M'd if she came back with her head in her hands begging for forgiveness. Somehow though, Mark, I don't think you would want her if she did that and my guess is that there is SO much bad will between you now that she wouldn't try to do that even if she wanted to. There is no safe road home for her to you at the moment.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I think Saffie nailed it. when I think of your w, I do see a rebellious teenager.
If you are ready to end this, file. It might be the healthiest thing for you....its definitelly something you have real control over. Granted, only do it if you are truly ready for your M to end. I wouldn't recommend it as a bluff.
I agree with lwb, too. It is YOU I care about here. Take care.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Just catching up here. I'm glad you are backing out of this, I think it is the right thing to do.
As I read the story of the car "swap", this is the line that jumped out at me:
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
4 - Call her father and explain why I made the switch (primary reason was to make it more difficult for her to visit her out-of-town boyfriend). Then hope that FIL stands up to her (remember, she told him about the affair, but lied and to him, telling him it was over).
So, you did this in order to make it harder for her to visit Shrek. Two possible rationales for this.
First, you think that if you can control her actions, you can get her to come around and start working on the M. That doesn't seem to be your plan, but even if it was - it wouldn't work. You absolutely can NOT control her actions - every time you attempt to do so, you drive the wedge between yourselves deeper.
Second, you've given up on saving the M and you are punishing her for seeing Shrek. That's how this really comes across. If that's really where you are, well - you are not standing up for your marriage. Instead, you're playing a game where you are the victim, any retaliatory things you do are "justified." She may be acting like an emotional teenager, but she's not the only one. And in that case, if I were her dad, I wouldn't be happy with either one of you - but I certainly wouldn't be impressed with your explanation which boils down to BUT, SHE STARTED IT!
You also said:
Originally Posted By: OhioMark
2 - Give her the newer car back, and resume driving the old car. This will take some major crow-eating. And backing down, which I swore I would not do.
I know you have the song "Won't Back Down" running through your head, Mark. In my mind, that song applies to your sitch as motivation for being a strong, solid person who stands up for yourself and your family. It doesn't mean refusing to admit to your mistakes.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
It doesn't matter anyway. She refused to switch cars and is now moving headstrong into the purchase of a new car that we cannot afford.
And by calling him and saying what I intend to say is not saying "but she started it" as much as it is saying "I continued it and it was wrong of me to do so."
You know, I the disrespect is growing thin here. Another man is screwing my wife. And it appears that I am content to just sit back and let it happen. Not any more. I am standing strong for myself and for my kids. And standing strong means knowing where to draw the line.
You can cry "MLC" all you want, but the bottom line is that she is an adult and needs to be held to account for her deliberate actions. I would like the "it's-OK-because-it's-an-MLC-just-wait-until-it-passes" apologists to ask themselves at what point do we hold these people responsible for what they are doing?
