H is back and I am lost !HELP!

[Firekeeper]

thank you CL,

i think i have thousands whys i want to work on m - kids, my love for h, our past , my commitment. well it's just four but they consists of thousands of thoughts, ideas and situations that make working on m important.

however those whys are not making enough difference for me now. i think i am making mistakes. i am becoming impatient. i am into all or nothing thinking. i told h (he is still away) that i want him to call only when he feels he wants to be with me. before he would call every day for just because or when he could not go to sleep or when he was upset. i would be nice or encouraging or sexy sometimes.

he talks is as if nothing has happened. kinda like we are friends with benefits. he said that he wants to try to build relationship with me but he doesn't know if it will be successful because there are some things about me that he doesn't know he can live with. he said that he feels he has deep connection to me but he is not having feelings towards me (it doesn't stop him to be sexual). he said that he still have feelings for ow.

i know that he can't reverse his feelings immediately. i know that we need to be first friends and then built from there. but i do not want to be friends with him if he still has feelings for ow and still his commitment to our m is so not committing and conditional. i do not want to be friend with the person who do not value commitment to m.

for v-day i send him couple e-cards. he only called to say happy v-day. i emailed him saying that he might forgot that i like when someone does something special for me. he sent me a very funny v-day card. i responded back with a fun appreciation email. then emailed him more, just short emails re our conversation, etc. then i felt that i am needy, too smothering, having too much expectations, too much depend on what he thinks and i think i am. so i told him that i am stepping back.

i know it is about me. i am feeling depressed. AD kicked me out of the deep end but do not do anything else and due to side effects i would need to discontinue its anyway. I did make myself exercise every other day this week.

cat - i feel discouraged to make any goals because i struggle to believe that i would accomplish them. altho reality is different - if i make a big goal it would take me a while but i would accomplish it.

but with the rest of my life i recognize myself in what RJ said "...definitely sounds like ... ADD traits, needing to push the limits to create tension and drama ( stimulation) in order to organize to act responsibly..." I am on meds for add as well but i do not know if they are helping.

i am constantly looking for (reading, researching) ways to deal w/ depression and add, or improving m, or self-improvement. but it is backfires - i do not have time to live. i am not financially independent. i do work but only part time and the job i do not enjoy.

actually these are the goals for myself - to become financially independent and to have a job that i love. the difficulty is that i had them for a while and i am far from accomplishing them.