sgctxok....I'm listening.....

[faithisbelieving]

It's tough to respond to all the amazing people who have taken the time to try and help. I KNOW that the posts are meant to help me STILL to try and save my M. My sitch is certainly not 'run of the mill' here, as many of you can see from the heightened posts that occur here from time to time. Certainly, I still think of my previous two years as a 'filme noire'. In some ways, I don't want to say I enjoy the verbal judo here....but..I DO learn from it..grow from it...balance it..and try to be a better person because of it.

On Valentine's Day...my W got her gifts from the kids and, much to my surprise (yes), my W gave me an upper level box of chocolates, a new shirt from Armani Exchange and a card, that, well, fell quite short in my mind considering what she says to me. Please...I know that many of you would prefer to say positives about the card and certainly it is better than being treated like dirt...but it is out of place with regards to her words. Her actions are more important to me now..and trust me...I am NOT trying to fix ANYTHING now.

The card is one of Snoopy, sitting on top of his doghouse looking at stars in the sky and there is a heart constellation. Inside:

Printed: Happy Valentine's Day

Written: Dear Frank, I know that it's not the happiest one, but I hope that it gets better. Happy Valentine's Day. Love, XXX (her full formal name). After getting these, I asked my W to come to me and I took both her hands in mine:

Me: XXX....almost two years ago, on Father's Day...you didn't give me a card (as you would expect, she didn't recall this...as many of our S's don't and frequently rewrite history). You told me on that day that you couldn't get me one because you looked thru all the cards and couldn't buy one for me because none of them said what you wanted to say (they were too personal). Well...XXX...I'm sorry, but, I looked for a card for you yesterday and I couldn't find one that I felt like I wanted to give. Last fall....when I tried to offer you a weekend getaway to 'reconnect', you turned me down saying that you were closed. I feel closed right now XXX.....Zack did this to me. (I'm sorry but I had to be honest).

If there is anyway to save our M, XXX (see, I STILL have left a door open a crack)...it would take a miracle...you would have to move mountains. I'm sorry. I'm sure YOU KNOW what would need to be done. But...I WILL know what it looks like if it happens.

Since filing, I will say, in a sense, I have seen more...(cough)...babysteps..positives..use WHATEVER phrase you want to...than thru the whole sitch. BUT...I need to rephrase what someone wrote above:

-Not wanting a divorce is NOT THE SAME as wanting "IN" with the marriage..wanting to be willing to work the M and save it.

I've been burned too many times in the past to simply say 'OK...I'll give this one more chance'. No way...unh unh. For your perusal:

Nov. 06, OM2, then:
-you're the greatest man in the world
-I can't live without you
-I just want to be 'home'
-I watched in admiration as you climbed while I sank
-whipped cream in the MBR, intimacy, etc
-then, emotional departure again followed by anger

Aug. 07 OM3:
-slips rings back on finger
-spoons
-greets me at door
-gives two powerful cards
-continues to lie and see OM3

Right now, my W is trying to spoon.wants me back in the MBR every night, got the Valentine's stuff, etc.

Where's the beef? You see, once again, as we all post here, all YOU can do is pick away at what I write..but...I LIVE HERE WITH HER. Over and over last year, I KNEW something was going on while people told me NOT to go down cheeseless tunnels. Well, my friends...there was Emmental, Edam, Gouda and Brie.

Do you all know your spouses?
Can you tell when something is 'off'?
Can you tell if they are lying to you?
Does your 'gut instinct' usually turn out right?

Where's the beef?

Spooning, kissing,pecking, etc...wow..great stuff right? It feels good..heck..GREAT, right? Guys..my male followers here....you all know it...speak up! Putting your face in your W's hair and smelling the perfume....feeling her back against your chest and the warmth...the comfort. C'mon...it isn't all about sex, right?? I'd venture almost all the men here would toss a night of sex out of the window just to be holding your W's that way, right? There is an indescribable comfort and intimacy there.

frank_d..is there anything MORE superior than doing that with your W? I'm sure you'd agree that THAT is attractive stuff. We men need it just as much as our W's need it. Warmth...closeness...security.

Can it be used as a tool?

And again....I've read everything here....powerful stuff. But...I still come back to the same thing...what is DIFFERENT NOW?????

What tells me that NOW....NOW..my W wants to save us?

Where is the beef? Tons of seeded roll.

What's a minimum here..if there is?

Can anyone here convincingly say that THIS TIME IS ANY DIFFERENT THAN THE OTHER TIMES????? OK...I'm being honest. Being the live-in LBS here....I CAN'T.

Could anyone here do an OM4..or OM5? 4kids? I _wanna? Is there anything healthy by standing for OM4 or 5?

On the flipside, I haven't signed anything yet. Sadly, I am fully prepared to do so.

No...no...I didn't file as 'tough love'...Jeff and frank_d will tell you that. I didn't do it as a maneuver. I didn't really even do it as an LRT.

I did it because I had HAD ENOUGH...too much hurt...too much risky behavior...zero work on the M....continually crossing boundaries that NO SPOUSE SHOULD PERMIT. At one point, I said the following to my W...and..I"m sorry if it is totally anti-DB:

Me: XXX....I don't think you realize this but, this is not something that I haven't thought about now for almost two years. Do you know that by doing this, I will have to sell our home? that I will throw myself into financial ruin? that I will lose seeing my kids for half my weekends, half my holidays? I KNOW....I WILL MISS pouring milk on D4's Cocoa Puffs and cutting S7's waffle's up in the morning. I ran many nights alone in the dark thinking about that. Do you realize what would make someone choose THIS over being together?

Many here will read the above and read 'anger'....'loss'....'little boy'...etc.

No...sadly, I am at peace right now. I'm so sorry, but, after being here for so long, I've looked at both sides. I have decided that standing....for someone who continually hurts you, shows no remorse, makes no effort to save a marriage...shows no interest in your life....has destroyed trust..and is NOT SEEKING HELP TO FIND OUT WHY FOR THEMSELVES...well, I DO think that there is a dependency issue.

Should S7 grow up learing that husband's sleep on couches?
Or should he learn that he should respect himself and know when to leave something bad for him? (yes..he WILL know one day how I feel about standing to save a M and never to run at the outstart).

Should D4 learn to dress provocatively and know that it's OK to cross relationship boundaries or learn that there are consequences to her actions? If what they say is true..that I preach here..that my D will choose a man based on her father, then, I CANNOT FAIL HER. STAYING IN A DESTRUCTIVE DEAD M IS FAILING MY D4.

My L's office called me the other day and my 36 have been converted into a legal document and is being sent back to me to be signed and notarized. Am I scared? Hell yeah.

And my final line to blow you all away.....my back door is still open to her. I don't have to post it, but, you all know what YOU would need to sign a termination. I know what it is. The ball is in her court. In a way, life is easier now. I don't have to do anything....except be the rock for my kids....be an H to my W....and watch.

FIB

PS...later on Valentine's Day, I bought her flowers...and I didn't even need to post here to ask if I should. That's easy...I bought them because I wanted to.