Where did you get the idea that I was sexually abused or molested as a child?
IMO you very clearly have some sort of sexual abuse issues. That does not mean you were necessarily molested by someone, but you were clearly modeled with inappropriate behavior, namely by your mother. For whatever reason, you started having sex at an early age and, I think, saw it as a way to gain acceptance with men, just as you mother modeled. But you are smart enough to know that society tends to frown on such behavior, so you became the eccentric rebel type.
Nothing wrong with any of that, if that is truly who you are. But I don’t think that is who you are. You want more. You want to be successful, you want a well-to-do, secure H, a good father for your kids, a devoted H. You act one way (sexually promiscuous) but you want something else. Which is the real you?
I don’t think you are any different from any one else on this board. T do think you have some issue surrounding how you gain acceptance in society. And it comes from your FOO. Regardless of how far psychology has advance, ALL major issues stem from FOO, hence my focus on it until that particular issue is identified and addressed.
You CHOSE your exH. Getting pregnant may have been an accident, but you being with him was not. He was a sort of rebel in his own right, wasn’t he? Why did you choose him? Why do you choose a semi-famous musician, or an ex-Parliament musician, or an independently wealthy workaholic? I’m not denigrating any of these men for what they are but asking whether it is a certain perception of the “rebel” that you see in them that attracts you? That shifts the equation into your court. I see it as an issue just as Burg points out in his question to you. If the “rebel” is truly who you are and what you want, then why don’t you take it when you have it?
Corri made some point points a while back when she was discussing what a person wants, rather than defining him/herself as what s/he does not want. Could some of that be coming to the surface now? Do you really want to be the sexual tigress that your mother modeled, or do you really just want to be accepted and loved? If the later, does being sexually assertive get you where you want to be?
Even though men will always jump on a good time and lots of free sex if given the chance, momma’s voice will still be in the back of their mind. And if not that voice, then maybe instead the voice of his kids when he has to introduce this new woman to his sons and daughters, to whom this man probably gave lectures about who those kids should be bringing home.
Everyone wants to be a rebel in one way or another, but isn’t that just a passive aggressive way of expressing some form of hurt? Isn’t all that just a way of trying to find acceptance. Didn’t James Dean just want to be accepted (at least the image he portrayed)? Was he really even a rebel at all? I’ve said it before, the words of Dirty Harry are appropriate: “A man’s got to know his limitations.” So do women. Isn’t that what all this self-help, psycho-babble all about?
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The cynicism I expressed in my "terrible calculation" was based more on the science and theory expressed in dating/mating books written by male relationship experts that I've been reading recently than anything in my own experience (although I have found little contradiction). For instance, it really is a provable fact that men "fall in love" with a "pretty" face. So what? Most men aren't even self-aware about these kinds of things in the same way that most women aren't self-aware about their monkey desire for the wolf.
I really have no idea where you are going with this or any of the other discussions regarding animal characteristics. Over the past few months it seems you have been trying to piece together a very convoluted self-justification for why you need and want lots of sex, why you should be attractive for men, and if not why those men have some repressed problem they are not willing to face. Here’s another example of that:
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As my Momma sometimes said "Pretty is as pretty does." but if a guy can only equate pretty behavior with the behavior of the bunny who always keeps her knees politely together so that nobody can see her panties, he's not very integrated and he's unlikely to be able to love and desire the same woman.
Whatever. You’re only fooling yourself. If you were not deceiving yourself, the comments about you being a “freak” would not have phased you. Why is it that those men aren’t the ones who are in some sort of denial, are repressed, are emotionally immature, are the morons, and on and on. Why did YOU break down and cry?
[quote]I'm not about to hang out at bars looking for one night stands but I'm not going to stay celibate until I meet just the perfect member of the male population to spend the rest of my life with either. It's okay if I muck around a bit for a while.[\quote]
I agree with this. So you did you get upset and cry?
[quote]I have empathy for the fact that the way men generally operate is that they accumulate a certain amount of experience/money/success and then they decide that they want to settle down. Then they are in a very vulnerable position because they usually "fall in love" with the first reasonably high status/ desirable female that they find.[\quote]
So what are you saying? Do you think you are being a “savior” of some sort by giving these types of men sex, and that they should be grateful to you for doing so, or that you somehow gain the one “one up” position by doing so? Could it be that if you could get to such a position, you would be safe – safe because this needy man, to whom you feel empathy, will not want to ever leave you? If that is so, then for whom are you doing the favor – him or you? How is any of this not a higher, more convoluted, more twisted form of playing martyr?
