Hey Michelle. It's funny how another person's intervention helps. The least pressure would be a card through the mail, I suppose. Just a "thinking of you" card, "hope you're doing well." If I called on the phone, she probably wouldn't answer it. Same with the text message, so I guess the card.
Info I haven't shared with ya'll I don't think: At the end of July we had a big argument and she said "don't call me, I'll call you." So I didn't. But I did send a "neutral" card once in August and once in September and then she ended up calling me in late September. I asked her when we got together why she called me after 7 weeks of no contact and 4 months of no seeing each other and she said, "the cards."
So - I don't know if that will work again this time or if she'll think I'm trying to make it work again so she won't respond. She's very sensitive to any possible sense of manipulation.
Also, I haven't shared: When we last spoke on the phone, we had a pretty intense argument because I mistakenly accused her of being influenced by her ex (who has had the religious metamorphosis and has definitely been an influence on GF). GF said she didn't appreciate me accusing her of not having a mind of her own. Other words were said and she hung up on me then called me right back and said, "I do not want any further communication from you at all. Erase my phone numbers from your phone. I'm tired of hearing your voice and your words." Then we sent a few text messages back and forth in which I accused the ex of being happy because she has finally gotten what she wanted.
The story of the ex is another long story but she & GF mutually agreed to separate a few years ago (supposedly religion played a part) BUT she has been miserable since GF moved out and spent 2 years doing a LOT of drinking and "dating." She never found happiness and had nowhere to go but religion. I sincerely believe she had all of this in her mind (perhaps unconsciously) all along. She would go back to church, become close "friends" again with GF, declare that she's given up being a lesbian, GF would jump on the same bandwagon because she has always been very influenced by ex (she told me she put her on a pedestal), they would get me out of the picture, and live happily ever after together as friends and "partners" (although I really don't think there's any sex). I know this sounds like a bunch of damn lesbian drama. It is.
Anyway - after all that, do you think the card is the most appropriate? I'm about to be sick of this whole mess. It looks even messier on this computer screen.
Stay NC. It looks like a big drama is probably playing out between your GF and her ex. You need to let your GF do this in her own time. Your intervention is probably only going to worsen your own standing in your GF's eyes'. Her messages have been clear - stay away.
If she is meant to come back to you this will happen in time. Trying to maintain contact seems to always end up in an argument so don't do it. Either she truly has changed her orientation and that's it, or she hasn't and she will only be able to continue the lie for so long. In the interests of your own well being try to stay away.
Sometimes doing nothing really is the best thing - I get the feeling that by making contact you are just pushing your GF into proving her right and you wrong. She has to decide for herself and you need to work on making a life for you while she does that.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I'm with Saffie. Keep your head down for a while. In a few weeks, maybe test the waters with a quick card, no expectations, no demands, not a call or anything that she feels pressured to respond to.
There is some big drama between GF and her ex and the last thing you want to do is be in the middle of it all. GF needs to take care of this by herself. If she doesn't make the decisions she will forever question her choices.
And just for a smile: "I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon." - Anonymous
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Thank you both and Happy Valentine's Day! Mine was OK, just kind of "neutral." Not real happy, not real sad. Got with some friends and their kids for awhile tonight after work to eat, talk and exchange cards, etc.
Why do you both say there is some drama going on between GF and ex? Do you think they are possibly "getting back together?" Or just connecting on this new "religious" level? Or what?
Personally, from what you have written, the drama is in their heads - they are confused.
If they are being true to what they SAY then they are struggling with that and their past perceived indiscretions with their sexuality. If they are just 'acting' this way then they are fighting their natural sexual orientation.
I find it hard to understand how someone can change their orientation like that. I know some people are bi sexual, but to me their behaviour sounds from your descriptions to be hysterical overeaction.
Also, the fact that you seem to argue with your ex whenever you make contact, shows that either just she, or both of you, are not yet ready to reconnect in the way you want.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Glad to see your response to my last post and that you're not putting things on hold. Also very glad to see you getting some additional perspectives here.
I agree with Saffie's point that you're both likely not ready to reconnect the way you'd like to right now. She's really got to sort out who she is (and her orientation) before that'll even be possible, I think - and you really can't help her with that.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thanks ladies. It's good to hear from you both. Yes, they are overreacting hysterically! If it was just GF going through this, I would predict she will "snap out of it." BUT, she & ex are going through it together & "supporting" each other supposedly. They are in a Bible study together, go to church together, do church events together, etc. I think they sit around and read the Bible together and watch religious movies, too. I consider all of this as being brainwashed. (We're in TN - the Bible belt.) And since they are "supporting" each other, they may very well stick to it.
Oh yes, another thing about GF is she is very "attached" to her mother and even though her parents knew about (and supported) she & ex for the 12 years they were together, they would love for her to "turn" from this "lifestyle."
Anyway, I agree that there's absolutely nothing that I can do except give her space which I have been doing. I feel pretty good, don't cry anymore, have fun with my friends now. I do still think about her very frequently, though. I still love her very much and want so much for her to come back to me.
The arguing, by the way, for the past 6 - 12 months has been mostly her trying to get me stirred up so she'd have a reason to leave I think. I had changed quite a bit the way I dealt with her and she even admitted she noticed my changes back in October. I guess I could have shut my mouth instead of questioning all this religious stuff. I have tried to talk to her "too much" about the religion and the relationship. And, my last screw up, driving by the house and questioning why she's selling it. Well, I can't be perfect but I sure am trying.
More advice please when you get a chance. I know ya'll are busy with your own lives and families but this is so comforting to be able to discuss it. I'm a very verbal person (one thing that got me into trouble with GF) and love to discuss everything.
Religion and personal beliefs are a minefield. Stay away from that area with her if you can.
I am so pleased you are getting out and enjoying life a bit more. That is the best thing you can do. Live your life for you and let your GF sort out her own mess. You need to be a point of sanity in this mixed up world she is in; a safe harbour for if she needs it. Just be there but keep NC.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
K - I can almost anticipate your response to Saffie: "How can I be a safe harbour for her when she doesn't contact me?" Am I right??
Keep getting out there and enjoying your life - the rest will fall into place, you just may not be able to see HOW right now.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Good advice but yes, Nik (you are so smart!), how can I be a safe harbour... Am I safe by leaving her alone, giving her space, getting a life?
Yes, my shrink agreed with ya'll about the religion being off limits in conversation. I don't think I'll make that mistake again if I ever get the opportunity.
By the way, have you all read any of the "Law of Attraction" books? They are very good and basically state that you have to be attractive and think positively to attract what you want in life (relationships, money, whatever). I'm trying.
I admit with GF I was walking on eggshells and afraid she'd leave me the whole time we were together as well as saying and doing extremely negative things. Looking back (I have learned so much), I can see how grateful I should have been for what I had instead of whining and complaining because I didn't get everything I wanted when I wanted it. I guess I was acting immaturely, selfishly and being demanding and controlling.
Thanks! Hope you all have a good weekend. I'm going out to eat and to the movie with friends (Saturday night). K
