Dont know how to use a `determined font` for my post, but I have had a revelation.
I went to the cinema tonight to see National Treasure. Alone. Going alone sucks, I didnt mind in the past but I do now. Anyway the main character is Ben, but his Mother calls him Benjamin. That is our name for our son if it is a boy, Ben when he is good, and Benjamin when he is naughty! We decided that over a year ago. Amelia for a girl. Something in me fell into place.
I have been praying alot recently (as I mentioned) W was pleased about this but saddened I didnt start sooner. Me and my W met on the other side of the world, literally. We had to fight both sets of families to push our wedding forward. I believe with all my heart that we have a destiny together, and that destiny is not to have moved to a new country, fall pregnant and then get a divorce. As difficult as it is to see a happy future at the moment, I just know in my heart that we are meant to be together.
We are just fighting about the past, not about things that are happening now (not even OM, as I dont know what is happening to fight about it).... that is just stupid. My W has difficulty letting go of the past, but everyone does eventually. Noone really remembers what they were doing exactly 10 years ago.
My W needs time... plenty of time. She needs to do some things, maybe make mistakes, as do all of us. She needs to perhaps seperate with me... she needs to see where her and OM are going (nowhere really as he wont leave his family). I need to give her that time to do these things for herself, and she will become a better person for it, asI am becoming a better person for looking at my life.
I was (still am) worried about having pain. I didnt want to have this pain for another month or 6 months or a year or whatever... but I read some of these stories on here, and my god these people are so strong, stronger than I could ever imagine being. But we all can find these reserves in ourselves when we need to fight for what we believe in. My hat comes off to all the brave people fighting for what they believe in here on this board, you are all inspirational.
If I look at the bigger picture, then what is a year or so of pain compared to a possible 50 or 60 years of joy that could follow, together with our children, and then grandchildren. That thought will give me the strengh to do this.
Of course I am still going to mess up (probably more than I would like to). Its human nature. Its Steves nature to mess up! lol. But I know what I am fighting for now. I am fighting for Benjamin and Amelia and a happy family where they have parents who love them and each other. I have my baby steps and small goals I am looking for, but now I have the finish line too.
I need to trust in God and in myself and in my wife.
(I know I shouldnt) I told my wife this. She cried. Looks like she had been crying before I had come back too. I told her to take all the she needs and to do whatever it is she needs to do.
Good things are worth waiting for, and my wife is the best!
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
