You know Brit, I talked to my W's best friend this morning and she said the same thing - she thinks my W just needs to live her life on her own for a while. You and I are in the same damned if you do, damn if you dont situation. They need our help at times, but if we give them too much help, they think we are expecting something in return. Of course we are - we want nothing more than for our W's to love us as we love them.
I'd probably go on from there and say that both W and I need to live on our own for a while. I don't think either of us have argued that point at all in the last few months. She doesn't get that when I suggest I want us back together, I don't mean tomorrow or next week. She is obviously living in a big black hole right now, so I wouldn't even think of putting 'our' needs ahead of her own. I think I've lost track of how many times I've told her that there would be no point in she and I trying again unless she was content with herself and happy again. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a wall.
I believe that my W still loves me - We tell each other ILY almost every time we are together (she's pretty comfortable not responding, or saying 'I know' if she doesn't want to). I think that is a big part of her conflict - She can't let go of me any more than I can let go of her.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
It is so very hard to detach when there are children that you share together. I dont know what else to tell you other than to continue to be the best dad and all the other pieces should fall in place eventually.
Yeah - I'm pretty happy I have D this weekend, because I really don't think W can handle it. I don't think she can handle all that much right now.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
I wonder if your graph might show something that happens intensely every 29-30 days?
My W always gets pretty down around that time, which is now, but the overall behavior pattern doesn't fit with that. The last time she was very withdrawn from me was the last half of December and into New Year. Even this week she was in a great mood and we were having fun together. Now, she's down in the doldrums and not really doing much of anything at all.
OK Brit, I just read the IM's and I totall agree with Lizzy...WTF?!
Unless you haven't been sharing some info with us, this seems totally backwards. In fact a few times I had to look back over to the left to see if it was a "M" or a "W" beside the comment!
Quote:
W: you made a lot of poor decisions, and I made a lot of mistakes in dealing with it (4:23:02 PM) M: I know I did (4:23:08 PM) M: I am not at all proud of anything that I have done (4:23:23 PM) W: I know (4:24:17 PM) W: I forgive you for it, but I can't forget about it (4:24:39 PM) M: I appreciate your forgiveness (4:24:45 PM) M: and I don't expect you to forget (4:27:09 PM) W: I am trying to respect you and I'm trying to be compassionate
It just sounds through the whole thing like she's putting all the blame on you and not making herself accountable for anything. And I must have missed something...is she talking about things from your M? Sorry if I'm prying, you don't have to explain if you don't want to.
And the kisses and hugs and ILY's...wasn't she the one doing this? I know you pretty much follow her lead on this stuff don't you?
Quote:
I do, but I'm starting to get the feeling that you are interpreting that as meaning that I want to get back together (4:30:44 PM) M: no, I took it as you and I being friends (4:30:47 PM) M: and taking care of D (4:31:20 PM) W: that was my intention (4:31:43 PM) W: but I'm not so sure if friendship is possible when one person is wanting more than the other
Do you know what you did that make her think you were wanting more...or is she saying this because she knows you want more? Like KerryK said...you're in a lose lose sitch because no matter what you do she's not happy. So back WAY off. Don't even except her invites or help with the house anymore. And try to stick closely to your schedule with your D (that's always your advice to me too!). I'm feeling a little bitter tonight...sorry if that come across in my post! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
It just sounds through the whole thing like she's putting all the blame on you and not making herself accountable for anything. And I must have missed something...is she talking about things from your M? Sorry if I'm prying, you don't have to explain if you don't want to.
Yeah, she is talking about things from our M. Her big problem is feeling 'abandoned' after D was born and a time before we were married when we separated for a few weeks - I don't think she ever quite got over that. She said we did, and we obviously got married and pregnant, but she still brings it up.
Originally Posted By: JennyF
And the kisses and hugs and ILY's...wasn't she the one doing this? I know you pretty much follow her lead on this stuff don't you?
Yep, she started doing it, so I just went along. When I leave her house, we ALWAYS hug and kiss - We have for four months. Hell, I gave her flowers yesterday morning for V-day and she reached out to hug me, and kissed me. WTF?
Originally Posted By: JennyF
Do you know what you did that make her think you were wanting more...or is she saying this because she knows you want more? Like KerryK said...you're in a lose lose sitch because no matter what you do she's not happy.
I don't think I did anything - She just knows that I want us back together again. That said, if I got into an R with someone else, she'd blame me for bailing out as soon as someone new came along.
Originally Posted By: JennyF
So back WAY off. Don't even except her invites or help with the house anymore. And try to stick closely to your schedule with your D (that's always your advice to me too!). I'm feeling a little bitter tonight...sorry if that come across in my post! J~
I already promised to take D over to her house tomorrow, since she's watching her sister's baby and her parents are coming over. I guess that may be a good opportunity to gauge her mood. W has a tough time being away from D, and in the last few weeks I have really tried to make sure that she can spend some time with D every day.
I don't know about refusing her invites. Last time I pushed back when she came to me, it blew up in my face big time... Took me a week, a lot of work, dragging W to a therapist and a couple of k of money for lawyers to clean it up.
Jenny explained the WTF better than I did. It must have been opposite day yesterday because your W really seemed to have the sitch turned around. I guess you and I are alike in the fact that we try to let our WAS see and spend as much time as possible our Ds everyday. I have never told H he couldn't spend time w/ them when he wanted to. However, when it is his time I leave them alone unless he invites me.
I would say your need to not invite your W to do anything together. If she invites then ok. I stopped inviting my H to eat w/ us. H normally will eat dinner her, but it is after we have eaten as I don't wait for him to get here.
You told W you would stop by w/ D today, so do that.
You told W you would stop by w/ D today, so do that.
She's freaking nuts - It's like she is back in total WAW mode again. I recall saying that back in December around New Year, but it's basically the same thing. She is friendly to me, and will talk, but she just isn't the same person.
Since I was going to take D over there around noon, I figured I'd call to check - She says it's okay, but she hasn't eaten, so can I bring food over for lunch. Sure, whatever, I'm hungry too. So, we have lunch with D and her parents come over, then her sister to drop off her D for W to watch. The baby is 4 months old, so she's a handful if she's not sleeping
I stayed over there watching sister's D for a while so W could do some stuff, but I had to run out to Home Depot to get parts to replace a faucet at W's. I came back via home to get movies for W and D that I had sitting around. When I left I went to touch her arm and she flinched, so I guess she's all weird about physical contact again.
She's back to talking to OM on IM... She didn't seem all that 'engaged', but I guess that would explain her sudden change in mood. I'll give it a month and she'll be all pissed at him again and wanting to talk to me about it. She looked like total crap today - She didn't do anything with her hair, and just threw on whatever clothes she had laying around. Maybe it's her behavior, but I really didn't recognize her as my W.
Yeah, what can I say - I'm kind of ticked off today. I guess being angry is better than being depressed. Hopefully W is being honest with her therapist and psychiatrist so they can really do some good for her, rather than just glossing over a lot of things.
Lizzy - We should get together sometime. Maybe setup a little DB study group
Yeah, what can I say - I'm kind of ticked off today. I guess being angry is better than being depressed. Hopefully W is being honest with her therapist and psychiatrist so they can really do some good for her, rather than just glossing over a lot of things.
Lizzy - We should get together sometime. Maybe setup a little DB study group
ARGH!
I think is better to be ticked than depressed. That helps w/ the detaching. Sorry to hear your crazy wife is back. Another WTF in terms of her saying you can bring lunch over. Funny that your W is letting herself go again. My H looked pretty hot yesterday. Wore something more fashionable than he normally does. Made me think, oh, that is why I'm still attracted to him. I paid him a couple of compliments which I think he appreciated. I think the difference w/ him is that H is finally getting some sort of therapy that is helping. Until that happens with your W, I think the same old cycle will continue to go on and on.
I think is better to be ticked than depressed. That helps w/ the detaching. Sorry to hear your crazy wife is back. Another WTF in terms of her saying you can bring lunch over. Funny that your W is letting herself go again. My H looked pretty hot yesterday. Wore something more fashionable than he normally does. Made me think, oh, that is why I'm still attracted to him. I paid him a couple of compliments which I think he appreciated. I think the difference w/ him is that H is finally getting some sort of therapy that is helping. Until that happens with your W, I think the same old cycle will continue to go on and on.
Well, I got back to W's house and watched the baby while W baked some brownies and worked on some computer stuff - Didn't talk to OM via IM the whole time I was there afterwards. D eventually woke up, so W and I spent most of our time trying to keep track of two kids under 2 that didn't want to sleep. We talked some, watch TV and just vegetated on the couch for a while. After her sister picked up the baby, I pretty much gathered D together and was ready to bail out and come home. W said she'd give me the movie back tomorrow, although we don't have anything planned...
Anyway, W decided to come to dinner with D and I, so off we went together. W babbled all the way there, about all sorts of things. Kind of nice to actually have a conversation again. Dinner was fun, then we went to the mall with D to find W a new purse. D was crazy, so we just walked around with her for a while, went to a pet store to look at the puppies and kitties, then headed home. I dropped W at her house - No hug, kiss, ILY this time. I talked to her for a while on IM when I got home, but she's AWOL right now - No idea where she is.
D was messing with W's laptop, so I noticed that she had some e-mails from OM from Thursday. Guess that had something to do with the stress that evening - Seems like she's talking to him again, even though Monday/Tuesday she was adamant she was sick of him. Yeah, same old, same old with that. I guess he blew her off for lunch on Friday because her lesbian friend doesn't like him... Maybe she isn't so bad after all
So, that is where we are. We seem to have reopened our dialog, which is an improvement, and W appeared pretty comfortable with me at dinner and at the mall. I didn't even attempt any contact with her, since I figured that might just annoy her.
Brit...I have to admit that sometimes when I read your posts I hear circus music in my head (doot doot doodloodloot do do do)
It's nuts! "I want my space and you need to back off. So come over to my house and spend the day with me watching kids and then we'll go to dinner and go shopping and have a great time and I'll see you tomorrow ok?".
doot doot doodloodloot do do do... J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
