W came into the living room and asked me if I wanted her to sleep in the guest bedroom.
I said I don't know. she came and sat down in the leather chair across from the couch. I asked her not to sit there right now because the situation is reminding me of when she came back from connecticut and told me all about how she was in love with OM.
I said please sit on the couch. She looked at me and said she didn't think she could talk to me since everything reminds me of past hurts.
I said that it wasn't everything, I said that right now I am feeling those feelings again so please sit on the couch.
She did, we talked.
- I said I was sorry for not handling D17 very well. I said that I was still raw and when she got hysterical I wasn't calm.
- She said she understood and that she knew we would all be happier after we go through this. She said she has a 'vision' of me being much happier in a year from now. That I won't be able to be happy or 'fix myself' while we are together and that neither will she.
- She said her life needs to go in this new direction. That she loves me enough to let me go and be happy.
- She feels like she is making connections with 'others' and she doesn't want to hurt me so it's better if she isn't with me. She says she knew I was hurt when she made connections with men friends.
- She says she feels like there are two souls inside her, one is the W who has been in love with me all these years but is not strong enough, and the other is the strong one who keeps telling her she needs to move on and do the things she was meant to be doing on her own. The strong one was the one who gave her the strength when she was 14 or so to stop drinking and doing drugs and she almost became a nun. But she met me and the 'other one' fell in love and has been suppressing the strong one. The strong one has tried to get her to go 3 times now and she hasn't listened to her because the one who was 'in love' with me was in charge but now the strong one is, which is why she is calm and determined to go now.
- She says she is sorry that it's taken 3 different times but she hasn't had the faith in her 'strong soul' to actually do it until now.
- She said that she was strong the past year, she kept the kids out of my hair and gave me 'space' hoping I would fix myself. She said that took all her strength to do and it's clear to her that it didn't work. Maybe she should have done more but she thinks that was what she was supposed to do. She also said that when we went to marriage counseling she was also trying to make it work but it didn't. (We didn't go very many times and I explained that to her, and that I wasn't in my strongest place at the time. she doesn't care)
- She just doesn't believe we should be together. Neither of us will ever heal while we're together, and both our lives are meant to go separate ways. She says she can't say she doesn't love me any more, she always will because that never goes away. For the most part she feels like I'm always going to be in this needy / emotional place with her, and we'll never change as long as we're with each other.
- No amount of counseling will make a difference because she is just done, not willing to put any effort into our marriage any more. She thinks I try to control her and her feelings.
- But she wants to be friends. I told her that as soon as she is in any kind of dating I couldn't be a friend because it would hurt me and I wasn't going to go through that again like I did 2 years ago. She agreed that as long as she lived with me she would respect my boundary and that she was really 'getting' that she needed to spend some time with herself anyway and not dating. She feels that when she moves out she is not 'married' and can date if she feels like it. I told her at that point we would not be friends. Friendly yes, not friends.
- She asked about sleeping in the same bed until she moves and I said I was still ok with it, I joked that I miss having any physical contact since I don't get hugs or anything from anyone because all my friends live far away, and that sometimes at night she rolls onto me and it's the closest I get to a hug from anyone. She said she was lucky she has friends close to her. She asked me if she could give me a hug then and I said that if she wasn't feeling sorry for me that would be ok, she responded that she often hugs her friends when she's feeling like they need it. I declined the hug saying I don't want to be receiving because I'm needy, but because she just feels like giving it.
- I said it was ok to touch me or hug me if she felt like it in the future but right then I'm feeling like it's forced and I'm uncomfortable with that.
- When we went to bed she reached over and touched me on the head and said good night.
So, I see how needy I was, and how scared I was to lose control. After she hurt us with her affair I was the one who put the most effort into fixing it, and later into getting the reconciliation to work. But as we all know I slowly slipped into being needy and scared and anxiety. I didn't believe she would stay and she didn't.
I really think I'm most of the reason this didn't work. It takes two to be sure, but she did the best she could and now she's still doing what she thinks is best. Her calm and resolve and my hurt and fear are opposites. I'm codependent, insecure and afraid of losing her.
Maybe she will get a room to rent and move out sooner. That will probably be better and make it easier to let go than it is now. She doesn't think I'll keep the house very long and maybe she's right. she seems to be right about a lot of things that I don't want to be true.
I'm a mess, and I didn't take care of myself. My marriage is over, my kids are broken hearted and my W loves me but sees no reason to try any more. Her heart is closed and she wants someone else to show up in her life who doesn't have these issues.
I talked to D17 this morning. She understands that I love her and her mom and that I'm going to be all right so we'll have a decent life. she figures she'll only be around for a year till she graduates from high school anyway and she'll do something with her life. I told her she should plan on going to the local community college for a couple years and she doesn't have to decide right now.
