First of all, I'm so sorry about that whole interchange and how it must have made you feel. Talk about the ugly side of divorce.
I really don't think your wife has convinced your daughter that the two of you should get divorced, or that divorce is a good thing. You have three competing desires taking place in that conversation, in that house.
Wife: wants freedom Daughter: wants peace and a real family Frank: wants his marriage and his family
Your wife, in typical WAS fashion, has convinced herself that true happiness and freedom cannot be had within the bonds of matrimony with you. So she wants a divorce. But can I tell you Frank, her words to you, if you've shared them somewhat accurately, don't sound like absolutes to me. Only when you PUSH do her desires start sounding like absolutes. When she shares FREELY, without competing pressure from you, her words sound like a lost person who would like to be found. I don't say this to offer a strange form of hope. I'm just sharing my observation.
Your daughter wants a normal family, or at least as normal a family as possible. She's been through this once before too, and clearly is not looking for a repeat performance. She has shared comments before that make it clear she sees her Mom as the one with the issues that are negatively impacting the normal family that she wants. Now you start sharing about YOUR problems and YOUR needs and she's losing the one person who was SOLID for her. You can't do that with her. She may need to know what's going on between the two of you, but SHE DOES NOT NEED to see her Dad as yet another weak link in the family. It makes her insecure, and it scares her.
And you Frank, you want to stay married to the woman you love. As much as you try to detach emotionally, you get easily sucked back into trying to FIX your relationship. YOU KNOW that you can't do it, but the person you are inside insists that it must be possible. You agreed before that these relationship talks were unproductive and caused you to spin. And here you are in them again.
What a terrible experience to have to go through for not only you, but your daughter too. My guess is that your wife was wholly unaffected by the events. She likely saw last night as the next step to her freedom and a necessary event in the natural order of things. What a shame that she cannot see past herself, but that is her current state.
So what to do Frank?
Your wife said she is looking in to an apartment. I think this is a VERY GOOD thing. Let her continue this, facilitate it if there is any way you can. The two of you need to be apart. This is NOT working out together. Can I keep you from getting too hopeful if I say that I see the chances of a positive outcome being more likely if she leaves than if she stays? Please don't latch on to that last statement.
Most importantly, your daughter now knows, which means your other daughter will know soon enough. You and your wife now have an extremely important task to handle. The two of you must find a way to live at PEACE with each other. To maintain the normalcy of the home for as long as possible so that your children can process through this at their own pace.
I'm sorry Frank. I hate that you had such an emotionally wrenching evening with your daughter, whom I know you love.
This is not the end. And you do NOT have to be lost. If I had posted this thread TO YOU, you would know JUST what to tell me to do. Think about it.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
