Yesterday afternoon W was taking with D17 and let her know that we were 'having problems' because D17 asked her why we were acting so 'weird'.
Later, she told me we have to tell the kids soon. Said she was uncomfortable pretending and unlike 'last time' she wanted to actually DO something, move forward, take action. She felt that she had NOT done anything 2 years ago, or the time before that, because she had no confidence in herself and she needed to do something now instead of wait around.
She told me she knew a woman who would rent her a room and she was going to look into it. She wasn't sure when she would be able to move but was looking at any options.
I'll skip the details of the talk and just include highlights. Most of the time she was calm and not emotional.
- W is angry and hurt that we weren't able to make it work.
- I told her that I had seen our counselor and that she had said that I was suffering from anxiety / traumatic stress and had needed help. I had been waiting for W to help because I didn't realize that our dynamic was such that I needed to help MYSELF. Counselor had said that with help we could have gotten through this.
- W said she was sorry that she was such a damaged person and couldn't do anything to help me, but she had told me I needed to get help but I didn't listen.
- I explained about the fears, anxiety, shame, etc. and how it kept me frozen.
- W said that she wanted an emotional connection that has been missing between us and she has no faith it will ever be there. She has no faith that if we were to work on the marriage that it wouldn't just go back to the way it was after we get comfortable. It always has.
- Of course I said we weren't in the same place at the same time, that I didn't realize what I myself needed to do. I showed her my cell phone calls and told her about each person I know now from helping them on the board and that I've been reaching out for support, something different than I've done before.
- She feels that she can't open her heart to me again. She has no trust any more. She is making 'connections' with others and it feels better than being in this house. She's been unhappy in this house for a long time.
- She says she isn't looking for anyone because she feels like she needs to spend some time with herself. Her 'friend' is something she couldn't explain because she says it started out 'flirty' but is now just some kind of friendship she can't explain but says it's not anything more than that. She didn't meet up with anybody on her trip, she spent it alone as she had planned.
That was around dinner time. She said she didn't want to talk any more and left to go see her friend down the street. When I said we should tak because this is the first time she and I have communicated she accuse me of controlling her, of trying to get her to feel emotions and cry because "that's what I always do".
