Because I have completely let go of the computer game thing, our pattern now is that I go to bed around 9 or so and read for a while before crashing. He stays up and plays games (at least, I hope that's what he's doing) for a few hours. Sometimes he wakes me up at some point in the wee hours or we connect before I get out of bed around 6 (for sex - was that obvious?). Sometimes he waits for me to come home on Friday mornings so we can shower, etc., together.
The game he plays is interactive (ironically, it's a game my brother was very involved in the creation of) and he uses headphones with a microphone to also talk to other players, so it makes me quite nervous. I have no idea how I will ever let go of the sickening fear I feel around his computer use or the other triggers that raise those feelings for me. I've tried a few different therapeutic approaches, but the only thing that's even come close is taking ADs, which lately aren't feeling so effective.
I don't like this pattern. I already feel very lonely because I can't share most of my thoughts and feelings with him, and the amount of time he's spending in front of the computer is starting to bother me. I'm trying to look at it differently, but I think that it will continue to be an issue for me unless there's some kind of shift in our R to making spending time together a priority.
I know the not moving out is very positive and I'm grateful for that and for the fact that my H is quite affectionate lately. I wish there could be more contact that isn't sexually oriented - I did get a really nice hug and some kisses this morning though, even though it was clear that I was on my way out and nothing was going to happen. I said (lightly, I think) that I never see him anymore, and he said something that I didn't quite catch - I think it may have been something about the movie he got for us to watch tonight.
Because we do fostering for the SPCA, I've been invited to an wine and appy thing to say thank you, and have asked my H to come with me (he doesn't really like being overrun with animals, but puts up with it within certain boundaries), so we'll be going on a bit of a date next week. That's good too, even though I still don't feel entirely comfortable leaving the kids alone. Had a bit of a kitchen fire the other day (build up in the toaster oven - have I mentioned I'm not the world's greatest housekeeper?). I was here and dealt with it, not a big deal, but I hadn't been here, who knows? They are growing up, but they aren't adults yet. Oh well, there won't be any fires in the new toaster oven and probably the worst thing that will happen is stupid television and junk food.
If he hadn't deleted all the information that normally sits in a forwarded email, I probably wouldn't have given it a second thought. I'm trying not to think about it (and I feel entirely wimpy compared to people who KNOW that their spouse is involved with someone else), but why else would he delete all that stuff? He didn't want me to see who it came from.
