Thanks, everyone. I've feeling pretty discouraged and it really meant a lot to get those Vday wishes. I've been checking on your threads and trying to catch up after a few busy days.
na, H did give up the apartment - not by saying he was going to, but by just not moving out. In a way, I feel more in limbo now than in December. There hasn't been any stated recommitment to the M. At any minute, he could say that he's leaving, so that is still hanging over my head.
Nothing for Vday. I wasn't expecting anything and didn't even mention it to him.
Di said on another thread that trying to connect with her H was a better choice in her situation and I think that's true for us in a lot of ways, too, but I'm finding it difficult, because I have no idea where the line is. He is still struggling, still gets that look on his face every once in a while, and so I am still trying to be very careful about anything that might be interpreted as pursuing.
He sent me an email yesterday - a bunch of pictures of mad cats being forced to have baths. A very strange thing for him to send (I'm thinking it was probably meant for the kids) and even to have in the first place. I'm thinking it's from a woman, but he deleted all that information. Nice thing to get on Vday, an email that another woman sent to your H.
We were friendly yesterday, but didn't spend a lot of time together in the evening (he was watching hockey with my S and I went to bed early, still recovering from a very long day on Wednesday, flying to and back from Vancouver for meetings).
This morning he was still in bed when I left with the kids (he often sleeps in on Fridays, since it's my day to drive). I was out all morning. He called me on my cell, but I didn't answer.
I'm having one of those 'don't think I can do this' days. I can't ask where that email came from, I can't talk about how difficult I'm finding it not knowing where we stand, I just have to keep everything inside and keep moving, doing all the stuff that must be done. Makes such a huge difference to have a place to vent a bit - thanks for listening.
So, if he gave up the apartment, how could he leave at any moment? I know it's hard, but can you look at that as a positive, a small step forward? He had an apartment set up, was ready to start moving in and decided to stay with you.
Try not to read into the miniscule things, like the cat email. It could have come from anyone- an old friend, sister, brother, co-worker. If he sent it to you, he must have thought you'd at least get a smile out of it.
We've all had those days when we say "I don't think I can do this". I must have said that to myself a thousand times. But you CAN do this, you ARE doing this! Try to be patient and hope that tomorrow will be better.
Because I have completely let go of the computer game thing, our pattern now is that I go to bed around 9 or so and read for a while before crashing. He stays up and plays games (at least, I hope that's what he's doing) for a few hours. Sometimes he wakes me up at some point in the wee hours or we connect before I get out of bed around 6 (for sex - was that obvious?). Sometimes he waits for me to come home on Friday mornings so we can shower, etc., together.
The game he plays is interactive (ironically, it's a game my brother was very involved in the creation of) and he uses headphones with a microphone to also talk to other players, so it makes me quite nervous. I have no idea how I will ever let go of the sickening fear I feel around his computer use or the other triggers that raise those feelings for me. I've tried a few different therapeutic approaches, but the only thing that's even come close is taking ADs, which lately aren't feeling so effective.
I don't like this pattern. I already feel very lonely because I can't share most of my thoughts and feelings with him, and the amount of time he's spending in front of the computer is starting to bother me. I'm trying to look at it differently, but I think that it will continue to be an issue for me unless there's some kind of shift in our R to making spending time together a priority.
I know the not moving out is very positive and I'm grateful for that and for the fact that my H is quite affectionate lately. I wish there could be more contact that isn't sexually oriented - I did get a really nice hug and some kisses this morning though, even though it was clear that I was on my way out and nothing was going to happen. I said (lightly, I think) that I never see him anymore, and he said something that I didn't quite catch - I think it may have been something about the movie he got for us to watch tonight.
Because we do fostering for the SPCA, I've been invited to an wine and appy thing to say thank you, and have asked my H to come with me (he doesn't really like being overrun with animals, but puts up with it within certain boundaries), so we'll be going on a bit of a date next week. That's good too, even though I still don't feel entirely comfortable leaving the kids alone. Had a bit of a kitchen fire the other day (build up in the toaster oven - have I mentioned I'm not the world's greatest housekeeper?). I was here and dealt with it, not a big deal, but I hadn't been here, who knows? They are growing up, but they aren't adults yet. Oh well, there won't be any fires in the new toaster oven and probably the worst thing that will happen is stupid television and junk food.
If he hadn't deleted all the information that normally sits in a forwarded email, I probably wouldn't have given it a second thought. I'm trying not to think about it (and I feel entirely wimpy compared to people who KNOW that their spouse is involved with someone else), but why else would he delete all that stuff? He didn't want me to see who it came from.
I don't know what I would do about the computer game-playing. Are you ok with it, as long as you know that it's just game playing? He's going to do what he wants to do, so if it bothers you, could you calmly tell him that it bugs you and then let it go for awhile. Maybe tell him that you've been really tired lately (blame it on the ADs?) and would enjoy moving the bedroom activities earlier in the night (coincidentally at the same time he's usually drawn to the computer)? I'm just brainstorming here. I hope you're doing well.
He sent me an email yesterday - a bunch of pictures of mad cats being forced to have baths. A very strange thing for him to send (I'm thinking it was probably meant for the kids) and even to have in the first place. I'm thinking it's from a woman, but he deleted all that information. Nice thing to get on Vday, an email that another woman sent to your H.
Mmmm, that stinks! and you know, you may be right. You may be right that the email came from a woman. It seems likely. And, you may be right in your suspiscion that he is actually involved with another woman. You may be right. And, you may be wrong.
There could be a hundred sources for the email. One of them is that it came from a woman he's involved with. There are 99 other possibilities. Do you know which is the real truth? I don't think so.
What can you do about it anyway? Nuthin. It totally stinks that you are in this place, that you have doubts and you are not even in a position to voice them to him. It totally stinks. But... it is what it is. What can you do about it? Maybe the best thing is to let it go.
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I'm having one of those 'don't think I can do this' days. I can't ask where that email came from, I can't talk about how difficult I'm finding it not knowing where we stand, I just have to keep everything inside and keep moving, doing all the stuff that must be done. Makes such a huge difference to have a place to vent a bit - thanks for listening.
Vent away, baby. But ya know, ... there's nothing to be done about it.
I, for one, think you can do it. Chin up!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Many of us would be happy to be able to ML to our spouses. Here you have the opportunity to do some DB'ing. Is there anything you can do to have him connect with you?
The date you have planned is a baby step forward. He's willing to still go out with you. ACT as IF and laught at his stupid jokes, smile at him while you gaze in his eyes.
You have movement you just can't see it. I found the solution goals thread has helped alot. You may want to give it a try.
I hope you guys have a wonderful time.