Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[seekpeaceofmind]

I don't think you're really asking for advice right now - but I will comment that I think you should be glad for the thought of the roses and focus on that instead of what's missing from the gesture.

[newnamenewlife]

I am always looking for advice!

Yes, I am enjoying the roses, figuring at least they are roses, there are a lot of them and they're not completely unrelated to the color red. How's that for glass-half-full thinking? We also had a really fun evening, the four of us. We laughed and got very silly and H & I threw pasta at each other across the dinner table (now if that's not love, what is?)

Again, it's the hope without expectations that's hard to pull off. Things seem so normal and like they've always been and I have to remind myself that, oh, right, H doesn't love me anymore...

[Grace_O]

And how does reminding yourself of this help you? I realize that the physical contact is out, but short of that does it help you to keep you expectations to zero? It doesn't sound like it. It kind of sounds like it a big ugly stick you use to beat yourself up with. If that's the case....you might want to burn that stick.

Enjoy the roses as a sing of caring if nothing else. That's sooo not a bad thing. Really.

HUGS

[seekpeaceofmind]

Again, it's the hope without expectations that's hard to pull off.

I know what you mean - it's a mindset. Belief that things will sort themselves out in the long term, but not getting too caught up in the mess in the middle. It's hard to stop "fixing" things and just let them be how they are - speaking for myself.

Laughing together is great! That must have felt nice for all of you. It sounds like your whole family was relaxed last night. Is that a change? If so, do you know what allowed each of you to be that way?

[newnamenewlife]

We always laugh together--H&I as well as the four of us. V-day I think H&I were especially relaxed due to the relief of the day being over and neither of us having to wonder how the other one would handle it.

The truth is, I KNOW he knows we still have chemistry. When he isn't hiding behind his wall, it is very clear that he still finds me charming and funny. To him, that doesn't count as love. To me, it's pretty close after almost 20 years together. We are still physically attracted to one another too (though not acting on that).

Last night, D11, H & I played games together and had a blast. This is nothing unusual. What is unusual is that my once-adoring H never wants to spend time alone with me by choice Or ML anymore. This is a major switch and I can't help but feel like he is punishing me for the many times when I wasn't in the mood. Now I'm so in the mood, it's ridiculous. It's all I can do not to leap on him.

Anyway, on and on and on it goes...where it will stop, nobody knows!

[tmi]

[\quote]The vows are usually "for better or for worse" - this is "worse" and those of us in DB mode are trying to figure out how we can honor our promises to our spouses even in the face of their pain, rejection, fear, running away - whatever it is that has brought our Ms to the current crisis.[/quote]

Thank you - sometimes I forget that this is the point, and I needed to hear it again now. (my quote attempt didn't work very well

[tmi]

I'm not sure where to go from here, DB-wise, or how to experiment and monitor results. The results are the same no matter what I do--H is absent. I wish I had more control over making myself feel stronger, but the fact that H is in the same place as he was makes me feel more hopeless than ever. I feel like a hole has been burned through me.

I welcome advice on how to do 180s or DB more effectively--but please don't tell me to pursue a class or hobby!!

Once again, we're in much the same place, lmg. I guess (like most of us) what you bring to the board are your frustrations and questions about the things that aren't working - we tend not to mention the things that are working.

So, why don't we (you and I and anyone that cares to join in)start noting on our own threads one or two things that we've noticed that day that seem to be moving us closer to our goals. Perhaps we can help each other find ways to build on those successes so we don't feel so stuck.

Is there any exercise in your regular routine? If not, that's what I'd suggest adding - walking is free and can be done any time.

[tmi]

[quote=lovemyguyThis morning I told him that it would be so nice if we could heal our R in the midst of everything else. No response of course.[/quote]

This is what I mean about not DBing - do not mention your R. Even it he brings it up first, try your very hardest to just listen for and validate feelings - don't share your own. Everything, even the most innocent comment, feels like pressure to these men.

I really appreciate the idea of the lows being part of our own cycle, one that we can come out of stronger each time, if we choose to.

[newnamenewlife]

Everything, even the most innocent comment, feels like pressure to these men.

I guess. Sometimes my comments, esp funny/sarcastic ones, help to lighten things up between us. Tonight, for example, we all went out to celebrate my D11's admission into a very selective school. It was a Thai restaurant and one of the dishes on the menu was called "Drunk Man's Noodle." I made a crack to H about how that's what I'm dealing with lately and we both laughed and kind of nudged each other.

I guess I am not such a great DBer. I feel so insanely starved for love, affection and sex that I can barely stand it anymore. I can't believe I used to be so uninterested in sex. Now it's all I think about. I am dying to leap on my H and just go for it--but I won't because he would probably reject me. It has been 2 months--longest ever.

But good to hear from you Ingrid. Do you have a current thread?

[Treese]

LMG:

2 months...try 7....yep, it's really getting to me...I can see how you can get in to trouble if you don't watch it...

My H doesn't even want to be seen with me. I'm under the 10 foot rule....he doesn't even speak to me in public anymore..How sad is that after 29 years....makes you wonder...

Treese