Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

I asked my son why he wanted to come drive by Starbucks and his exact words were, "Mom, I didn't ask to. Dad was driving the car." That was when I knew for certain that my H was dying of curiosity. H sent me a text picture last night of S13 at dinner but it didn't come until 3am. I sent him a text this morning to let him know it came and it was a very cute picture. I thanked him for sending it to me. He then responded with "glad you finally got it. did you have a good time last night?" I don't know why I felt compelled to tell him but I told him I had a nice time. I asked if he and S13 had a good time together yesterday. He said yes, great time bowling and playing pool....H kept S13 laughing and they had a good dinner. Knowing my H's lack of pool playing prowess I said, "you kept him laughing with your oh so skillful pool moves?" He sent back "LOL. YUP!"

It was at least a nice exchange and nothing businesslike was said. We haven't had a conversation of any kind since he left that was not contentious or, at the very least, cold.

I have truly been feeling at peace since I woke up yesterday morning. I only got teary eyed once yesterday. That's a HUGE improvement over the last month and a half.

The going out by myself wasn't that bad really. It was a packed Starbucks and I had my laptop with me. It was fine.

I don't think I can go to a restaurant for a meal by myself. I have met some really amazing women at DivorceCare but we haven't exchanged phone numbers or email yet so I can't ask them. My friends from work are all married and can't really go out and my cousin (who is more like my sister) is crazy busy at this time of year and has 5 kids and a husband to take care of while working full time. Yeah, she doesn't have much time for herself, let alone to spend hanging out with me!

Unfortunately, my best friend in the world lives on the other side of the country. She was just here a couple of weeks ago for a visit and it was wonderful. We talk on the phone all the time but it's not the same as having her here. I'm hoping I can go out there for a visit within the next few months.

I'm really hoping for an opportunity to engage my H in a conversation that does not involve settlement agreements, custody arrangements, or my anger about what he has done to our family (which seems to just bubble to the surface any time I'm near him). I'll keep praying for guidance and the wisdom to know what God wants for my life and wants to do through me.

(((((Ali))))) - You take super care of yourself. You are doing amazingly well!