Finding my way out of the dark

[glamgirl]

Hugs Mishka! I know this is a really tough day. It's all about flowers, candy, dining out and of course love. All that we wanted, dreamed and hoped from our marriages.

I am sure your h is thinking of you. How could he not after 18 years. He just can't be there for you now, doesn't mean he can't in the future.

Put your focus on S and God, he needs you to be strong now. I know it's not easy. Your S will understand the crying. My kids always tell me "sorry mommy". All I can say is at least they are still in my life. I don't know what I would do without them.

[tpaschal]

Mishka,

You know, it would be interesting to do a survey of how often the WAS/MLC'er initiates contact with the kids. I know it's different with every person and every situation. My H has called to speak directly to the kids only about 4 times since he left. He came to the house to see them or take them to baseball or swim practice fairly regularly in the beginning (when the kids or I intitiated contact), but as the OW took more and more control, he saw the kids less and less. I often wonder how he can stand to let a 21 year old bimbo be in complete control of his life?

He moved out in February, started talking in late April about wanting to have the kids on the weekends, (I'm sure on the advice of his lawyer) but NEVER took the kids to his apt. until August, and that was for a 20 minute stop-off. Did not take them for an overnight visit until September, and that was when I absolutely FORCED the issue. He keeps saying he wants the kids, wants to spend more time with them, wants to have them over, but he almost never takes them. He's too tired, or he has plans, or....you get the picture. I know it's because the bimbo would have to move out for the weekend, and she doesn't want to.

I know this lack of contact seems to be pretty common among MLC'ers. I wonder, is it more common when there is an OW/OM? I would think so. The MLC'er makes the OW the focus of their existence, the OW doesn't want the kids around anyway, so it's just easier to ignore them. I think there's a lot of shame and guilt, especially if the kids know about the OW, which my kids do.

He was an awesome dad, and now he barely sees them. Other than the OW, that's been the hardest thing for me to wrap my mind around. Of course, he lies about it. I know he's told old friends that he sees the kids almost everyday, taking them to school, helping them with homework, plus having them at his apartment every other weekend. I almost dropped dead when I heard that! Does he really believe that? I think maybe he really does. I think his perception of reality is so skewed that he can't see the real truth.

It's very sad.

[tpaschal]

Mishka,

Sorry you had such a rough couple of days. Your story sounds similar to mine, except I am one YEAR into it. Can't believe it's been that long. However, I don't think I'm any further along than you, really, as far as the divorce process, partly because I've been stalling everything, and partly because my H is and always has been a huge procrastinator. (Some things never change.)

I'm right there with you about saying things to my H that I KNOW I shouldn't say, and I KNOW won't help, but you know what? We're only human. And we're still new at this.

I may be one year post-bomb, but I was with the man for 20 years before that and was used to certain patterns of communication and ways of relating to him. The main thing was---I was always able to be completely honest with him about my thoughts and feelings, and we talked a LOT. Now it's hard to keep all that bottled up away from him! I think I've done a pretty good job of DB'ing, and in doing a 180 about changing some of the ways I used to communicate with him, but it takes time.

I know spewing or venting about the OW doesn't help, and talks about the R don't help, but honestly, there have been a few times when I've hit my H with a couple of cold, hard truths, (mainly to do with the kids) and it has seemed to improve things a little.

I know that MLC'ers who have come out on the other side say that sometimes they WERE listening to what their spouse had to say, and that sometimes there were things that they actually "took in" that made a difference.

I think we just have to be careful not to let it happen often, and when it does, we have to forgive ourselves. We are human, after all, and going through a huge amount of pain.

I think praying and asking God for peace right before you have any contact with your H is always a good idea, and if there's a text message or an email you want to send, WAIT. Pray first, wait a few hours or even overnight if possible, maybe even consult a friend who understands DB'ing, and then if it still seems like a good or necessary thing to do, go for it.

As for Friday nights alone, I'm in the same boat as you. Well, I don't have too many because H doesn't take the kids very often, but I know what you mean about only knowing couples. I only have one or two single friends, and they are single moms with kids, so it's often hard to coordinate schedules.

What about going to the movies? Or have a friend over and rent a movie? I have a friend who is still happily married with children, but she occasionally comes to my house to escape! We'll go see a movie that her H isn't interested in, or we'll stay at my house and watch a movie and have a glass of wine together. Check with your church about weekend programs they may have. And if your church doesn't have anything, check the other churches in your community. My church is huge and has crafting groups, book clubs, etc., etc.

I've also had nights to myself where I will take a portable TV to whatever room needs its closet cleaned out, I'll stick in a movie, and make with spring cleaning!

I hope you have a good weekend.

[mishka422]

Well, not sure what I'm going to do tonight but I'm leaving my office right now, going home to change and then out to do SOMETHING! ANYTHING! I'm probably going to end up at Starbucks with a cup of coffee and my laptop. We'll see.

[Punktmann]

Mishka,


Some nights I'd really rather be a starbucks with my laptop.


Of course, given the choice, my favorite Mexican restaurant with my laptop and a pitcher of margaritas would beat that all to heck and back.

Hope it's a good night for you.

[mishka422]

Hey Punkt! Thanks for dropping in!

It was interesting.....very weird and interesting.

H picked up S13 this afternoon at about 130p (had a half day at school today and they are on winter break next week) instead of the 630p that was on the schedule for him to pick him up. I had ok'd it so no biggie. I am glad he wanted to spend the time with him. I asked H today when he called me to confirm pick up time about what time he was going to bring him home since the schedule was 1030p and I had "plans" and wouldn't be home until around then. H said he had thought he would bring him home around 830p-900p. My mom lives with us so it's not like S13 would be alone anyway but still the schedule is 1030p....whatever. I can't control anything so I just had to let it go.

Anyway, I got home from work and S13 called me. He asked me what I was going to do tonight, where I was going, was I going with anyone. These are not normal questions for my son. He usually couldn't care less where I'm going or what I'm doing unless it directly effects him. I told him I was going out. He just kept asking though and I thought about it for a minute and decided I would tell him because I had a feeling that he was asking all these questions because he was feeling insecure, like if he didn't know where I was specifically then maybe I would just walk out of our home like his dad did. It made me sad and worried for him so I told him I was going to Starbucks, might meet up with some friends from my Wednesday night class there and then go to the restaurant across the street to listen to some music (live band on Friday and Saturday night) but I wasn't sure. He seemed ok with the answer and told me that he and his dad were coming back to town here to have dinner and then he was bringing him home. He just seemed like there was more he wanted to say or ask but I didn't push for answers from him right then.

I went to Starbucks, got a Venti (yeah, and obviously the caffeine is still kicking my butt since I'm still up and it's 130am!!!) opened the laptop and started surfing. I sent S13 a quick text to make sure he was definitely ok with me being out tonight and if he wanted me home when he got there it was fine, just to let me know. He sent back that I deserved to have fun too. That was nice. He said that he and his dad were at Chili's having dinner and he knew it was right across the street from Starbucks. We chatted for a few minutes via text and then my cousin called. I sat and talked to her for a while and in the middle of our conversation I see my H's car drive very slowly past Starbucks (I was sitting at the coffee bar in the window). I stopped talking to my cousin and started to freak out a little. Why in the heck is he doing that? My other line started ringing and it was S13. He was laughing and said that he saw me in Starbuck's wearing a pink sweater and talking on the phone. He wanted to know if I saw them drive by and I told him I didn't (yeah, ok white lie but he didn't need to know I saw them). He talked to me for several minutes after that and then his dad dropped him at home.

Now I'm not so sure that all of those questions about where I was going and if I was going with someone were from S13 and not his dad. My H has always had ways of manipulating things in order to get information without seeming overt about it (I guess that's why he's so good at his job). I don't know, I could be reading things into that but it's just really strange.

So, in all, I spent about an hour at Starbucks and then an hour and a half at the book store. I went to the restaurant to see what band was playing but I didn't like the music they were playing. I'll have to check them out again in a couple of weeks and see if the band that week is any better. Maybe I can find someone to go with me so I don't feel like such a conspicuous looser. I walked into the restaurant all by myself, into the bar area loaded full of people and felt SO insecure. I had to get out of there fast. I have never liked to go out places by myself but to walk into a social situation by myself is terrifying!!!!!! I have never been alone in my entire adult life and it's truly unnerving to realize that you are vulnerable to God only knows what.

Have any of you tried to go out and do social things completely on your own? How did you handle it? What did you do?

[AliSuddenly]

Wow Mishka, thats amazing! You went out by yourself for the evening, I think thats really brave. I'm not sure I would even try that! I would go to a gallery/film by myself, if I went out to eat on my own, I would take a book with me. I've been out a few times with people from college that I dont know that well, but I reckon that would be better than going by yourself. I met a woman at my new job and she was going to come over for a drink, eventhough I only met her twice...so is there any way to just extend invitations to go to starbucks with anyone you have met, even if you're only just acquainted?

With the drive by..seeing as your son called you straight after, do you think is insecurities made him ask your H if they could drive that way (so he could be reassured that you were in Starbucks afterall?), rather than your H spying on you, or did you think your H was curious as to who you were meeting?

I'm impressed though that you did go out by yourself, I only just managed to go on the cycle trail by myself! (yes, I too was concerned about personal safety as I normally only did those things with my BF). If I were going out in the evening alone, I would probably not drink and I would take my car and park right outside, so I know I can leave straight away if I felt nervy.

Ali
___________________
Me: 36
H: 34
LT: 9 years
ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07
Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
no change

[mishka422]

I asked my son why he wanted to come drive by Starbucks and his exact words were, "Mom, I didn't ask to. Dad was driving the car." That was when I knew for certain that my H was dying of curiosity. H sent me a text picture last night of S13 at dinner but it didn't come until 3am. I sent him a text this morning to let him know it came and it was a very cute picture. I thanked him for sending it to me. He then responded with "glad you finally got it. did you have a good time last night?" I don't know why I felt compelled to tell him but I told him I had a nice time. I asked if he and S13 had a good time together yesterday. He said yes, great time bowling and playing pool....H kept S13 laughing and they had a good dinner. Knowing my H's lack of pool playing prowess I said, "you kept him laughing with your oh so skillful pool moves?" He sent back "LOL. YUP!"

It was at least a nice exchange and nothing businesslike was said. We haven't had a conversation of any kind since he left that was not contentious or, at the very least, cold.

I have truly been feeling at peace since I woke up yesterday morning. I only got teary eyed once yesterday. That's a HUGE improvement over the last month and a half.

The going out by myself wasn't that bad really. It was a packed Starbucks and I had my laptop with me. It was fine.

I don't think I can go to a restaurant for a meal by myself. I have met some really amazing women at DivorceCare but we haven't exchanged phone numbers or email yet so I can't ask them. My friends from work are all married and can't really go out and my cousin (who is more like my sister) is crazy busy at this time of year and has 5 kids and a husband to take care of while working full time. Yeah, she doesn't have much time for herself, let alone to spend hanging out with me!

Unfortunately, my best friend in the world lives on the other side of the country. She was just here a couple of weeks ago for a visit and it was wonderful. We talk on the phone all the time but it's not the same as having her here. I'm hoping I can go out there for a visit within the next few months.

I'm really hoping for an opportunity to engage my H in a conversation that does not involve settlement agreements, custody arrangements, or my anger about what he has done to our family (which seems to just bubble to the surface any time I'm near him). I'll keep praying for guidance and the wisdom to know what God wants for my life and wants to do through me.

(((((Ali))))) - You take super care of yourself. You are doing amazingly well!

[glamgirl]

That is the part that I never understood. They don't want to be with you and live with you, but they seem to want to keep tabs on you. Why?

Driving by Starbucks to see what you are doing. Hmmmm not ready to let go?

You are doing great Mishka. I love to hear about how strong you are.

[mishka422]

I'm only strong some days glam but yesterday and today have been pretty darned good. Through God all things are possible and I know that I have to be in a better place before there is any hope for my marriage. When I have found my way back to being the woman God means for me to be then I will be truly content and standing for my M won't seem like such an impossible thing.

I did flat out tell my H the other day that I will not stop standing for us even if he has because I believe in him and our relationship. He didn't have a comment about that and that was just fine. I just don't ever want him to misunderstand and think that I am moving on and away from him because I won't do that. I WILL GAL! I will find my happiness again. Those things have nothing to do with him directly, they are for me and for my son. My son deserves to have the strongest, most well-rounded, fun mom. That's who I want to be for both of us.

That is my goal. I feel so uplifted today. I hope you all get that lift as well. Pray....pray.....pray.....then pray some more. The peace I have found is amazing!