MLC BS/2?

[braveheart]

I agree, but if I just keep ignoring her won't it just seperate us more? It jut feels like I am drifting farther and farther away from her. I mean, that's fine if we are not getting to get back together. But in that case why am I hanging on? This has been aterrible day for me

Patrick, no it will not cause you to drift farther away. What you are doing right now is causing you to drift away. No contact and she will wonder if you have moved on, and it MIGHT cause her to move toward you. I cannot guarantee it will help anything, but I can guarantee if you keep doing what you are doing it will push her further away. Man, you have to understand that you cannot change anyone, all you can do is change yourself. With that being said, if you do these things and she is still determined to get out, there is nothing you can do to stop her. I know its tough, been there done that and at the end of the day, I am divorced, but I have seen too many of these to know what happens if you chase.

[peacetoday]

P
Nothing really works to bring them back in MLC
many things can work against us
its hard to go less contact but sometimes I need to
its the only way I can keep DB
I had to let my H go
its a year since bomb
he visits our kids a lot
I keep quiet usually I leave house for a while
It doesnt matter if we get further apart
we cant really get close unless H wants to check back in
right now he is in another world/life too
Nothing I can do
yes it hurts a lot
I hate it too
but I can use this experience as a tool for my growth
I can practice kindness toward H who is sick now
I learn..i let it all happen..i didnt fight h
then he has to look at himself
I say nothing b/c it doesnt matter if I do
he will only drift further
proabably better to have no contact than really bad contact
peace

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Well,

You certainly are a mess. And I can say that, having been there, more or less in similar roles.

Look Patrick.

Your kids are not tools. They are not pawns, or weapons to be used against each other.

Can't repeat that enough.

If you use them like this, you're going to damage them, and then your a crappy father.

The police are absolutely right until an agreement is in place there is no agreement other than verbal with your wife...who doesn't like you right now.

I agree, but if I just keep ignoring her won't it just seperate us more?

Well its good you agree, I am glad you agree. That is all you need, you don't need to question it if you agree, right?
Here is why you agree.
Because all the contact you have that you think is ging to keep you close...how is THAT working out for you? Real well? Well enough that a police officer had to come (I assume based on your notes) to discuss the kids schedule between the households?
Yeah...more contact right now is a bad thing for you until you can control your mouth, emotions, and mind.

I mean, that's fine if we are not getting to get back together. But in that case why am I hanging on?

Well of F-ing course its fine if this all works out. If going through hell meant you get your marriage back, EVERYONE would do it, it is no test of your marriage or yourself if you already KNOW the outcome and just had to hang on.
IS your marriage worth doing EVERYTHING you can for it, AND NOT knowing if it is going to last?
You'd walk through HELL for the person you love if you knew you find her at the end.
BUT would you walk through HELL searching for the pesron you love if you only thought they might be at the end of the journey?

I am pondering dating again...I need to have somebody else to think about, care about, care about me....Who knows maybe the feeling will subside.

DON'T.

Two wrongs do not make a right.
You are going to hurt yourself, more importantly you are going to hurt another woman who doesn't deserve this.

You are NOT defined by someone else, or a relationship.
You define yourself.
You forgot that, hell most of us here forgot that.

Fix yourself.

[Patrick325]

It's almost impossible to stay out of contact with her. My girls are always doing things that require us to schedule rides and attend events. But this D business is going to get ugly, I can tell. She is trying to take me to the cleaners and I want to get primary custody.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Get a lawyer yet?

[Patrick325]

yes, I dropped the papers off Monday...We have until the 18th to answer to meet the deadline. I am going to ask for primary custody. I don't know if it will work but I'm willing to take it as far as i have to. Besides it not being fair to me to lose my kids on top of losing my W, I am the better parent. I will have to convince a judge, though.

[Patrick325]

I am waiting to hear back from the attorney...she filed for a 10 day extension....I am starting to feel like i am wasting my time again...this R she is having with the OM is pushing me further away..I am beginning to hate her ffro doing this and for splitting up our family...I am feelinglike i could never forgive her for this R....I am thinking of just throwing in the towel

[Punktmann]

Patrick, I've been watching your threads, I've BTDT in your sitch. Almost to the T, OM, everything.

My sitch dragged out a lot longer, but we're in much the same place. Sorry to see you here.


But this D business is going to get ugly, I can tell. She is trying to take me to the cleaners and I want to get primary custody.

Check, that's exactly where I am at right now. It's going to get ugly.

Take a breather about the cleaners. Just take a minute and relax. It will be what it will be according to the guidelines of your state's laws.

PERIOD.

In almost all states, that is very much like 50/50. In the few where it isn't, it is only sometimes predicated on adultery. Let your atty handle that and FORGET ABOUT IT.

Your stress levels will be way too high worrying about what you have no control over. A judge will decide it one way or the other. Not your problem. Forget it.

As to full or primary custody, again, many states mandate shared custody barring child abuse or drug addicts. Tell your atty what you want, and ask him what he needs to have to win that for you. He wil know your state's laws and the things that matter in your county in that respect. If he doesn't, find a different atty.

I don't want to be a killjoy, but barring severely bad behavior on her part, (drug use, child abuse, abandonement,) it is unlikely that a judge will award full custody to the father in most states. Shared custody is often all we are going to get, it's time to deal with reality, not what is "right."


Besides it not being fair to me to lose my kids on top of losing my W, I am the better parent. I will have to convince a judge, though.

CHECK, Right with you man!

Like you, I feel that her leaving shouldn't deprive me of my time with my kids, but we are going to lose some of it, up to half or more, depending on the state. We need to take a step back and evaluate this. It's not right, but most likely, we won't get full custody.

I know what you mean about the better parent thing. I'm right there with you.

In court, it's not about that.

It's about the kids being with both parents AMAP, unless there is a HUGE reason for them not to.

Convincing a judge that you should get full custody (if she is fighting it,) can be done, but you need a lot to get there. Arrests, Recorded incidents of really nasty behavior, etc.

I know, I'm a killjoy. Sorry, I just want to give you a clear picture.

Talk to your atty about this, s/he will tell you the state laws, and what you can reasonably expect.



I am waiting to hear back from the attorney...she filed for a 10 day extension....

STOP.

That's good news not bad. You wanted to aske her to stop it before, now she is dragging her feet.

Most likely, she isn't stopping this, just re-evaluating what is going on. This is a good sign. She may very well go forward, so what.


THe important thing is that the extension is a sign that she was acting out of anger before, with no planning or thought for the future. Some things are coming up that made her slow down.

There will come a time when she does think about this in the big picture sense. It won't be soon, and if you're like me, it probably won't be until long after the D.

It will happen though.

The question is, will you still be there, will you be ready?

This is a long road.


I am beginning to hate her ffro doing this and for splitting up our family...I am feelinglike i could never forgive her for this R....I am thinking of just throwing in the towel

I know.

Trust me, many here know.

I am in that EXACT place.

I am pondering dating again...I need to have somebody else to think about, care about, care about me....Who knows maybe the feeling will subside.

OK, I am right there with you on this. It would be soooo nice to have someone around who is nice to you, who cares about you......

The thing is this.... Neither you or I are probably ready to move on to another R with someone else. Talk about damaged goods!

Why throw in the towel when they are doing it for us?

This is a time when they are "done with us," we don't have to be in a rush to be done with them, if this is for real with them, they will do it for us.

If that is the case, if they are truly done, then there will come a time when closure will make you ready to move on.

For right now, we are in a crappy sitch. Finding another woman will not make it better.

Is the type of woman who would date you while you are still married and in this drama-laden, custody battling, half-way sitch the type of woman who you would want to spend the rest of your life with?


Or is that type of woman more like the OM?


There are manlier band-aids than that out there.


Best.


Punk

[Astimegoeson]

I'm with Drew. As the father and husband, domestic court is not where you want this to go. Most Men that I know who are faced with that prospect file bankruptcy. The courts will practically push you in that direction anyway. If you can settle outside of court, do it. Give her a decent and fair offer that you can both live with. If that doesn't persuade her, then fight like hell and make it as expensive and emotionally draining on her as possible. It's not going to affect your ability to reconcile one way or the other in the long run.

[Patrick325]

I have been looking through the dating ads and reality is setting in....it's not that great...but it is also a fact that being in a R was a big part of my life...to me GALing is impossible to do because I feel like a loser being by myself..it's not that I don't like myself...it's that you want to share your experiences with someone and friends don't always cut it. Having a partner is so important to me...I am thinking as long as I am honest with someone it is not unfair to find someone to do things with...and if a R happens it happens....I just don't know how long I can go on being alone....