Well, supposed to see W for dinner and production tomorrow. I feel stressed about it. I'm sure there won't be any R. talk, so I guess I don't have to worry about that.
I've done a fantastic job of driving myself insane this afternoon, and here is my method:
1. choose a random, torturous thought re: WAS.
2. even though there is no basis to think of this thought as true, focus on the thought and replay as though it is true
3. repeat until chest tightens, gut churns, and heart hurts
Today, my chosen focus was/is: imagining that my W must be out with friends right now, socializing on a Friday night, perhaps eyeing/being flirty / flirted with by other men, and not thinking about me. Oh, I feel really in a state--just can't imagine all this not being true.
4. for dessert, I find it really works well to seal in the insanity to take the above thoughts and give myself a healthy berating comparison:
While she is out relaxing with all her friends and not even thinking about me, I'm a loser who has no friends and is sitting at home feeling like crap...feeling like somehow I'm waiting for the proverbial phone to ring (a phone that usually feels like it's not even plugged in!).
Repeat method as needed; guaranteed to produce enough stuckness, frustration, and sense of going out of one's mind to last all night long. _______________ Well, the hardest thing for me right now is that I feel so insignificant in her world, but still like my world is oriented around her. I feel like the crazy one who can't get it together in this mess. Trying to work on this w/GAL. My PMA today really sucks, though. I need to get myself into better shape for tomorrow.
