Finding Supermom - #4

[JennyF]

Thanks everyone.
And thanks Woog for saying that H would have noticed!

I'm talking the talk, but I'm not walking the walk. At least I feel like I've digressed the last week or so.

I think I'm DB'ing well enough. I mean, I couldn't be much darker than I am. H and I only communicate regarding the kids and over the "D" stuff. The finacial statements, the house, all that crap. For all intents and purposed I'm working on a divorce. OH crap, I said it.

But here is where I'm stuck. In prayer. I find myself praying to God dozens of times a day to bring H home. I pray for Him to help H look within himself, I pray for OW to find happiness elsewhere, I pray for Him to plant the seed of doubt in H's mind, I pray for H to look at me and see the person he used to, I pray for H to see what he is giving up, I pray for him to think of kids and how they are worth more effort, and I pray and I pray and I pray.
I also pray for myself...to have strength to deal with this. For my children to be ok. For myself to be ok. To let him go to figure things out. I pray to do the things I need to attract H back. I pray for God to just pick me up and carry me through this. But for the most part I am focused on H and how the ONLY option is for him to figure out what's giving up and want to come home and try.
So I may be doing the DB stuff in front of him, but the GAL and focus on me...notso good.
Why do I feel that the only option is for him to come back? Because I'm still trying to make sense of this and to me that is the only way that it can make sense.

I also pray for God to let me know if I'm on the right track. Is the fact that H is moving fast toward D the sign that I need to accept it's over? Or is it just H moving along through the stages of this process?
AAAAHHH! I'm driving myself nuts looking for answers that are just not there!

So I've spoken before about this 'feeling' I have within myself that it just isn't over. I like to think that is God talking to me. But it could just be flat out denial.

So I have a question for all of my friends out there who know God better than I seem to. I have never been all that religious and am in need of some spiritual guidance. Where is all this prayer getting me? Should my prayers be focused here? How do I feel God talking me? Are the answers there if I look for them? Or is the point to stop looking and they will come...in TIME?
I know the answer to that...

I should also add that I always thank God for my many blessings. Each day, many times a day I count those blessings and am eternally grateful for them.
*sigh*
J~