She's gone...I'm devastated, but hopeful - Part 2

[minkerman]

This is in response to LoginName's request for what was off-kilter in our marriage.

On the surface, it doesn't seem like much. In fact, when we reunite, I'm sure we will seem exactly the same to our family and friends. But to her, it was plenty.

Back when I had the affair, and we recommitted to each other, we did a bit of counseling, not much, maybe 4-5 sessions. We thought we had gotten to the bottom of the issues and could move forward. Not so. The counseling focused on issues that we now know to be not-so-relevant to our sitch at the time.

Anyway, my issues were actually all around low self-esteem, feeling unworthy of love, and treating my W as a mother figure, which I lacked in my life. In addition, over the years, my passion for life and living dwindled to the point where I was a boring, uninteresting bump on a log, and I dragged her down with me.

Many times, my bride told me she didn't like our life and that she was unhappy. I didn't want to talk about it, I was complacent.

After she left and I realized all my issues and where they came from (very painful BTW) I got to work. I realized I had to find how I had lost the 'authentic' me. I have done that, I have rediscovered my passion, and I am challenging myself like never before.

What got her attention and changed her thinking?

- I had sent her emails describing intense interactions at work. This was a change - recently, when she had asked me 'how was work', I just said "fine".
- I didn't purposely do this, it was quite innocent.
- She saw these interactions as being indicative of my reignited passion. This made me attractive to her. That was the day she decided to accompany me to the wine-tasting event.
- That night she invited me up, we ML, I stayed the night. No ILY's, just mindblowing sex, the first for both of us in 2 months.
- The big breakthrough came the night before valentines day. We were having a glass of wine and just talking...I told her that the biggest change for me came when I suddenly realized I didn't need her in order to go forward or be happy. I wanted her, but didn't need her.
- She was blown away. That's when we both realized that she was no longer a mother figure to me...she was my lover, whom I was passionate about.
- This also indicated that I was strong, not needy. I said it to her with confidence and conviction.
- Another big one was when she brought up that we may be moving too fast toward reconciliation...I said, yeah, I think that way too sometimes...and we proceeded to have a great convo about it. HUGE 180 for me, she had never seen this side of me.

So that's pretty much it. Subtle changes in me that made her shift her thinking. She now thinks we will be able to pick up the pieces and move forward together, based on these changes.

I thought it was MLC, and all about her. Nope.

She was actually just bored stiff in our marriage, and that part was all about me. I made the changes in my thinking, awareness, communication style and actions, and she decided to give us another shot.

Does that help explain it?