Just journaling....really trying not to analize....because frankly my H is truly such a mess:
Lots of contact from H this week. Calls and tms at work and at night. Whatever.
Today sends me a tm to call him as soon as possible. When I call he asks when d12 got her report card. I told him last week and it has been on the coffee table for him to look and that there was a copy for him at her conference that he did not come to.
So we talk and I told him what went on at the conference. How all of her teachers say how bright she is but she doesn't due her homework and sometimes doesn't put the effort in. To quote them it is as if she is tanking her grade for spite.
So H says to me that she is spiting him. I didn't comment. H never went to college and always considers himself a failure as compared to his educated siblings and me. His big thing with the kids is school and good grades "so they don't turn out like me" he always says. In the back of my mind, d12 could be tanking just to get him.
Anyway, we chat for a bit. I told him about a conversation d12 and I had last night. She told me sometimes she is too sad about H to do her work. I told her I am sad to but I go to work and I do my job. She needs to go to school and do her job. Let God work on everything else.
I told H all this. I also told him that d12 has promised to work hard and that she has been. He starts crying and then we end the conversation.
H stopped to see d12 after school today. When he and I spoke I asked him not to yell at her about her grades but try to be encouraging and positive.
H must not have heard me because d12 calls me hysterically crying. She said that H doesn't love her, doesn't think that she will ever get a good job and isn't smart. Now I don't think that is what H said but....who knows.
She is in her bedroom talking to me and saying things like she wants her old dad back, that s15 is right that dad is mean (s15 doesn't say that but...), that H hates her, that she doesn't like him. Etc. All the while H is at her door listening in.
D12 opens the door to see him standing there listening and he says since she hates him he will not be back to see her, he won't come around, etc. UGH. I could just scream.
She calls me back still crying and I tm H saying: look, she is a little girl in a confusing situation. She loves you, but sometimes people say things that they don't mean when they are angry. I asked him to call her and tell her he is there for her, especially after what happened to the boy in her class.
Well my H is a big baby. No matter how many times d12 or I tell him how much she loves him he says no, she hates me like s15. She said how she feels, etc. Spews on d12. UGH. I finally tell H on the phone that it is too bad he can't see how everyone feels about him. That we all love him (bad db). I told him even s15, underneath all of his layers of anger, still has love for H. I know he does.
H in his own pity party ....says now he lost both of them. Won't listen to d12 or me. I just stopped even trying. I dropped it so as not to continue going round and round with him. He will come around again.
I picked d12 up after work, and after all of this, and took her to look at softball bats (she loves doing this) to get her mind off of it. She actually seems fine. I think she is at the point of ...whatever, if he feels like that it is his problem.
Funny thing she did say to me is she thinks that H must be having girl problems. She asked H yesterday if he gave MOW a present for valentines day and she said he told her (according to her in a weird voice) that if he saw her he would.
Not going to analize that at all.....but I do wonder if his comment on monday about having to do something really hard (saying this while bawling his eyes out), his behavior today, and the fact that he again is slightly miffed that I did my taxes without him, have anything to do with his R with MOW.
I hate rollercoasters. I feel like this was a bit of a dip in mine. I wish my H would grow up. I wish he would just hit rock bottom. I wish he would stop all of his pity parties. I wish that this wasn't so hard for all of us. I wish my H would swallow his pride and come home and make things right. I wish he wouldn't do this to our kids...... I wish I had a genie to grant me all of these wishes.
Well, off to pick d12 up at swim and s15 up from a swim team party. Tomorrow will be busy at the pool, out to dinner with my dad, and then sunday with softball and friends over. Looking forward to another monday off this week.
For those of you who are steps ahead of me ....steelers,bnd,yr...is there any hope?
