I can't 'prove' anything other than a few phone calls every day and now occasional text messages, which are down from 10 or more a day a few weeks ago. SHE seemed to act like this 'friendship' was progressing in a 'bad direction' and said so a week ago.
If the topic comes up, she avoids it. If I were to ask her point blank how do I know if she would be truthful?
Let's face it. WHATEVER is going on there is only 'in my face' because I can check the online call logs. Can they really have much of a 'relationship' anyway? This guys a family man and goes home for dinner every day. W doesn't have an apt, or anywhere else to go. She's home every night. It's stupid for her to carry on like this. Where's it going to go? Nowhere.
Another friend said to just stop checking, it doesn't matter because in June she's out anyway. If I stop checking then I won't 'see' it happening, whatever 'it' is.
Raising issues will just make it difficult for the kids D12 and D17. I can't carry that weight right now, and all the snooping I'm doing to 'prove' she's a whore or whatever is just destructive and IS affecting my attitude around her.
So, it seems like I'm better off not 'looking the other way' but just not 'looking'. If something happens that throws it in my face then I WILL deal harshly with it. Right now I have nothing but some overly friendly e-mails and some phone logs and text logs.
Is she in an EA? Probably. Will it help me to expose it if it's true? Not really. Not now.
In all reality, what am I losing. If this is how I react when she's around, maybe I am better off without her in my life.
If you could only realize and believe the truth in that simplistic statement, all your anxiety and fear would dry up.
Why fear or be anxious about loosing something/someone that has such a negative influence on us? There is no sense in it when there is such an abundance of things in life that can make us happy and content.
There's that word again... "abundance"! Try to keep it in mind, it helps!
just be careful you don't cause yourself MORE pain, (if that's possible), by imagining the R you say your W is in to be more than it is. Sounds like she is sending out feelers for support to everyone - friends etc - other than you. Perhaps this guy has just been a bit supportive but your W sees it as more than that but HE doesn't.
You need to not torture yourself. Easy to say - hard to do - I know.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
As you read this thread i will thread jack quickly, (apologies Frank).
Why has Chocolateyes been taken off the boards? That guy was an inspiration. A thread has been started up requesting he be brought back. You can reply on that or on my thread - Saffie's Sandbox - extension 10
I look forward, as do many others, from hearing from yourself or any other moderator
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Yesterday W told me she was making her invoice so she could get paid by the center she works at. This should have been submitted last SATURDAY but they were out of town so she couldn't get paid. So it's a week now and she hasn't submitted it. Not sure if they were out till today.
She tells me it's about $1,200. I mentioned that the health insurance is past due and some other stuff she is supposed to pay. She gets angry at me and says she KNOWS and she'll figure out what she can do and what she can pay. Realistically, I've paid the food bill and other incidentals this past week. I'm not mad but it was important to discuss bills.
When I do she takes it as me getting on her case. I'm not, I try to be cordial and nice. Oh well.
Last night D17 came home around 10 pm from a birthday party at her friends house for his mom. This past week has been hard for her because her boyfriend broke up with her.
She came home and W was in bed reading one of her self help books. This one is a diet / nutrition book. I wasn't in the room at the time but when I came upstairs and went in, D17 was getting off the bed and going to her room, seeming unhappy.
I asked W what was up with her and she said this:
W: Well you know, she's upset about BF breaking up and it's valentines day.
Me: Yeah, that sucks.
W: Yeah, and then I noticed a smell that was like a 'pot' smell so I asked her about it.
Me: (surprised because D17 is a very smart girl and has no interest in drugs, her friends are band geeks, and they were at a house where the parents were there) What did she say?
W: She was mad that I asked her that because she doesn't think I trust her.
Me: Well, I'll go talk to her then and see what's up.
W: ok.
So, I go to D17's room. I'm skeptical about any of this so I'm trying to not be serious, but light.
Me: Hey, so mom thinks you were around people smoking pot?
D17: (angry and crying now) I don't know WHY she says things like that. I don't know WHY she doesn't trust me. I'm not a bad kid and I have NEVER done anything untrustworthy. I don't even KNOW what pot smells like! Gee dad, smell my clothes and my hair and tell me what YOU think.
So, I did. I didn't smell anything. She has a leather jacket and she had drank some mint tea so she smelled like - tea. Nothing else really. Hair is a good filter because it absorbs everything around it.
Well, I smiled and said that I guess mom was just thinking she smelled something.
Well, D17 then is crying angry and says:
D17: WHY does mom come up with these weird things all the time? I just came home and I wanted to talk to her because I was feeling crappy because XBF didn't even send me an e-mail today. When I try to talk to her she thinks I'm smoking POT??
D17: She's hardly home and when she is she's always reading or something. She's distant and doesn't seem to want to be here.
D17: She never seems to understand anything I want to talk about and when we do talk she has these totally off base ideas about what I'm doing or how I should deal with things.
Me: Well she loves you and trys her best to interpret your needs but of course she only has her own experiences to draw from and your teenage lives are very different.
D17: Yeah, but she could try to think about my life.
Me: She and I both do, we both love you. You know you can always talk to me if you're needing more opinions.
D17: I know daddy, I just get so frustrated because I don't understand mom at all. I wish she would get herself together.
I gave her a hug and went to the bedroom and got ready for bed. W did not ask me about D17 at all. I finally said "D17 is pretty upset about XBF and valentines day." W said "yeah, it's been tough for her, Valentines is a hard holiday".
I just said "Yes, it sure can be". That was the end of the conversation.
Went to sleep.
This morning I didn't check mail, phone logs, nothing. W was rushing around and left to go to work. she said a pleasant 'goodbye' and that's about it.
I'm working on projects today, hoping to make more progress.
Just talked with you for a few, and I have a smile from ear to ear. I have never heard you so upbeat. Take the source with a grain of salt, or even a slat lick, but...wow it is good to hear, its like you went into your wife's purse and got your stones back.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
One thing that 'throws' me is when W is calm and isn't irrational, just talks about things like it's just 'business'.
In our 'current' arrangement which was pre 'divorce' plans she's supposed to pay the health insurance as 'her part' of the house bills. It was a month behind in January and she had asked me to pay it because she didn't have enough money. I couldn't because of, well, she screwed my head up and I needed time to recover and earn some $$$$. Since January she's used the house account (my money) to pay for groceries (her responsibility also) and other things.
Well, she had to pay 2 months insurance and she JUST got paid so now she's broke again.
She got a price change by raising the deductible, and had decided that she didn't want to pay so much so she might drop herself from the insurance and go to the free clinic. We're talking $150 per month here.
Anything I said to the contrary was responded to with an angry tone.
Yeah, I know I shouldn't read anything into stuff but it makes me think that really knows what she wants (a divorce) and she's working out in her head how she will accomplish it.
I guess that's me being 'hopeful / not hopeful' and I need to stop that. I want to BE hopeful when she's acting weird but then when she's 'rational' it gets me down.
I need to keep reminding myself that she's not good for me. That's hard when I still have feelings.
When I had to go, we had just talked about 'being the victim', and how I couldn't idenitfy with the type of person who constantly used that.
I think that had a lot to do with helping me in this process.
When I realized that I was making myself the victim...whenever I talked with friends it was always about her and what she was doing and OM, and how could she and all the 'whys?'.
I realized that I was that type of person I couldn't understand, didn't want to, more importantly I didn't want to be.
"When you stare too long into the abyss..."
"When you fight monsters..."
While she was turning our history around to suit her poor choices and blaming me...
I was blaming her for my current unhappiness.
And exactly who is in control of how I feel?
The day I stopped being a victim, was the day I was was almost through it all.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
