Have not heard from H still, it's specially hard since last time we saw each other was for the v-day dinner on monday. I'm still trying to deal with the death of the lady who cared for my kids, this morn I found a pencil holder she made with my d4 which reads "i love you mommy" in her handwriting, it now means more to me. Trying to re-read the latest posts on this thread to keep me in check, I know what needs to be done just having a hard time doing it day after day after day...
Today's quote reminds me of H, though I should stop "wishing" these thoughts for H I want to post it:
Quote:
Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility.
And the below devotional from Joel Osteen is squarely for me
Quote:
Love never fails (I Corinthians 13:8).
Today's Word from Joel and Victoria
We all have people in our lives that are difficult at times. Maybe it's someone you work with, a family member or even your spouse. Relationships can be complicated, but remember: love never fails. The Word of God clearly defines love in 1 Corinthians 13. It says that love is patient and kind. It doesn't seek its own way. Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs. And most importantly, love never fails. Notice that this chapter doesn't talk at all about how you feel. God's love isn't about feelings. It's a choice. You can choose to be patient, even when you don't feel like being patient. You can choose to be kind, even when you don't feel like being kind. No matter what situation you find yourself in, you can choose love. You are never more like God than when you are walking in love. And when you are walking in love, you will never fail because love never fails. Open your heart to God's love today. Ask Him to show you how to love others better. As you walk in love, you'll find peace and live in victory all the days of your life!
A Prayer for Today
Heavenly Father, thank You for Your love which never fails. Thank You for loving me so that I can be free to love others. Empower me, by Your Spirit, to walk in love no matter what I may face
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
ok, I just figured out what's wrong with me, it's "one of those times" no, not that time of the month, it's one of those "crashing of the waves-hitting rock bottom" kind of things where I feel all emotional and weepy.
H just called from a payphone, told me that yesterday he called his mom to ask her about her V-day and then he tried calling me a few times (of course, when I was in the shower) and hit the machine, thought I didnt' want to talk to him and hanged up. ARGGGH! im that far gone, Im so mad for being in the shower and missing his calls, I really wanted to hear from him yesterday, specially yesterday. I broke down and told him about our sitter passing away, how awful I felt and how much of a crappy day I had yesterday--he didn't say much in reply, well, he did say he wasn't feeling well either and had decided to go to see the C his dept. provides and hoped it didnt' get him in trouble.
I am so needy right now it scares me, we talked about meeting monday since I'm off, first he said he wasn't sure he'd be a fun person to be around, then he said we'd meet and I asked him again at the end of the convo if he we were meeting and he said most likely yes but he'd call me Sunday to confirm.
ARGHHH I HATE being needy, hate it hate it! I was glad I was talking to him, I was hoping these days with no contact would help me give him some distance and also help me but the lack of contact is just making me feel so crappy. I prob sounded needy too and he prob won't come on Monday.
It's friday and I'm dreading the weekend, I am trying to make plans so I won't be alone but it just doesn't feel good, it's even a 3day weekend for me but now it's even worse for me, 3 days off and I may not see H at all. (disclaimer: it's "needy" talking here, deep inside I know better, just feeling down right now).
Going to church tomorrow, that always helps, going to see Disney on Ice with little d on sunday and perhaps we'll hit the museums or something while we are at it, yes, then I'll go see my family or go to the mall to Frederick's of Hollywood and buy me another silky nightgown like the one I got last time.. not in hopes to wear it for H but just because it is so comfy and cute at the same time.
blah blah blah.... am not expecting anyone to read all these mad woman ramblings, i'm sure I'll be ashamed of myself pretty soon about my posts, lol, just needed to let it out
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Of course we are reading the ramblings. We are here for you. I am reading a really good book. Not a self-help book or a relationship book. Just really good literature. And I think it would speak to you in a way that might help you. The book is called Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is on the bestseller list, I guess for fiction, but it might be non-fiction. Not sure. I think you would enjoy it, and I think it would be a nice escape for you. In some ways I think you are like the author, and the book is about her journey to find peace by herself after a divorce and a very bad breakup.
Thanks sara! for a while I was just reading self help books, was taking a break now, a book like that would help take my mind off things, I'll look for it right now
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
It sure sounds like we have a couple of needy people here who have lived together for a long time and are feeling pretty crappy & disoriented when their partner isn't present for them as usual.
Originally Posted By: cat03
... yesterday he tried calling me a few times (of course, when I was in the shower) and hit the machine, thought I didnt' want to talk to him and hanged up.
--he didn't say much in reply, well, he did say he wasn't feeling well either and had decided to go to see the C his dept. provides and hoped it didnt' get him in trouble.
... he said he wasn't sure he'd be a fun person to be around
He's feeling as bad as you, Cat, and likely for the same reason.
Here is something that works very well for me, you might like to try it. When H does phone, take notes of the entire phone call. Have a soft pencil and plenty of paper on hand because it comes out as a big scribble when you try to do this as you're both talking. But it's great to be able to read over the conversation later on, over the next few days if need be, or in the middle of the night, and to have every word. It's the next best thing to having him present. Take care, Cat.
Thinking of you, Cat! I kinda know how you feel! Keep plugging forward!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Cat, Stop being so hard on yourself. You are going through your emotional ups and downs - like everybody does. And once again, I can relate to what you're going through.
So, right now you're feeling needy. You miss your H. You want to hear his voice. That's okay. You are aware of it. So, now try to take the focus off your H and onto you. It's okay to anticipate hearing from him. Just don't stop your life for it.
Remember that with your H out of the house, you no longer have to worry about reading his moods... or if he's keeping secrets. You can let all of that go.
As for your being percieved needy by your H, my suggestion would be not to let it show anymore. So, you're aware of it. Now, dont' call him. Don't ask him about meeting again. Let him initiate the next contact.
Again, it's okay to feel needy. But your H is in no place to aleviate that feeling for you. He cannot be the person you "need" right now.
He is taking positive steps. He is seeing the C. Good. That means he is aware of how messed up he is. And the more space you give him, the more you will facilitate his recovery. Make him work for you. If he thinks it's too easy to get back into your good graces, he may not do the work that is needed.
All the advice that I give is based on my own personal experiences... what has worked, what ahsn't worked for me. My H and I were separated for a year and on again, off again for much of that time. So, I know the highs and lows that are involved.
Hang in there. Stop beating yourself up. YOu are a wonderful woman. Remember that. Give yourself a break.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
you no longer have to worry about reading his moods... ================================================================= hey PS, thanks for coming over to whine-land, lol. True, was just thinking of that, just now as the web pg loaded "i don't have to make it entertaining or feel like i'm not interesting enought for him", ... that was so wrong, no way to live.
He cannot be the person you "need" right now. ===================================== such a simple statement and yet so powerful, I have to find the strenght within myself first, and it prob should b like that anyways.
He hasn't called today (still has no cell) so that's mostly the reason, but i m not upset about it, yea, miss hearing a simple hello, but now the cow webs are clearing from my head & am thinking a bit clearer & realize I have to move along. Sure wish he'd call the kids though, we used to always meet for lunch on sats, and though my son hasn't said anything I know he'd like to hear from his dad, I've already asked H to keep in touch w/kids & he said yes, so it's up to him, I can't force him to call them.
Will have a busy day tomorrow, and will try to plan something for monday, we both just got paid but already I dont' have any spare money, paid a few credit cards, then his rent, and...it is all gone, oh well, I'll come up w/something to do w/the kids regardless if he decides to come or not. Hope you all have a good weekend)))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
