Well, I will probably call him after work. ...Problem is that maybe I am afraid of that rejection too. Although, Friday night he did tell me to please quit worrying about bugging him and that I could call him anytime I want.
I am thinking maybe the reason that he doesn't call me is because he thinks I have this new life (which I guess I kind of do) and he doesn't want to interrupt me. I think he doesn't want to assume that I would want to do something with him. I also think a part of him doesn't feel he deserves to be forgiven. I know that throughout our whole relationship he has felt inferior to me. I think that is why he was embarrassed to tell me that he got the job waiting tables. He wants to impress me and make me proud. The thing is that I don't really care what he does, I just want him to be happy.
You gave me two ideas right there. Remember that as long as he's happy, you're happy for him and tell him that. Also, you obviously are willing to support him in his career change and the things he is doing with his life, so tell him how proud you are of him, that you know how hard it was to leave the AF (kinda like a security blanket) without having a job lined up and you are amazed at his determination/courage/whatever. Is his LL words of affirmation? These thoughts come to mind because my H's 1st/2nd LL is words of affirmation.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I did go over to H's last night. We actually cooked dinner together. Things just don't feel right. I am getting the feeling that he wants to be friends, but no longer wants to work on the M. Also, there are so many things that bother me about him right now...that I am not sure I want to work on it. Sometimes I think the only reason I want to work on it is because like my H...I don't want to be divorced. Yes, in the beginning I was devastated, but now I just think about how much better it can be if both people are working to make things better, and both people want to be in the M. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me or wants me just out of need or convenience.
I told him that if he wanted me to go shopping with him to call me. I told him I wasn't going to call him because I always do. He said he wanted to go today and he would give me a call...we'll see.
I did find myself having anxiety about OW last night. I was really close to leaving shortly after I really having a hard time coping with the thoughts. I know that probably goes away with time, but I am just not sure I can be with him when that doubt will always be there or the fear that he will do it again will always be there. I shouldn't have to fear that.
I am just having that doormat feeling again. Why is it that he gets to do what he wants and I am supposed to just forgive him? Doesn't that send the message that he can do it again, and I will just forgive him again? Sorry, I am rambling...I guess I am just having a bad day.
Well, H just called and he has an interview this afternoon for a management position at Lowe's (which is one of the jobs I "made" him apply for). I am not sure how well they pay...but it would at least give him some more management experience and would be more stable than waiting tables. I also think he would feel better about the job. So...I am keeping my fingers crossed.
I'm glad he has another interview. That's pretty cool. It's always nice to have options.
Originally Posted By: klm
I did find myself having anxiety about OW last night. I was really close to leaving shortly after I really having a hard time coping with the thoughts. I know that probably goes away with time, but I am just not sure I can be with him when that doubt will always be there or the fear that he will do it again will always be there. I shouldn't have to fear that.
I am just having that doormat feeling again. Why is it that he gets to do what he wants and I am supposed to just forgive him? Doesn't that send the message that he can do it again, and I will just forgive him again? Sorry, I am rambling...I guess I am just having a bad day.
I definitely wonder the same things. Especially since my H has expressed hardly any remorse and absolutely no interest in trying to pick up the pieces of this M. There are days where I can't see the hope, where I think nothing will ever change. But, things have changed for you in just a few months, so I'm sure time is part of this. However, it might be time to shake things up a little? I'd like someone who's actually been through/in piecing to tell me if it's too soon since I'm not even close to being there yet and I'm just going off my gut.
It sounds like you guys are stuck at a comfortable level, but can't get past this whole EA yet. Perhaps you should feel him out and see if he's willing to do some reading to try and understand how you feel. I found this article wonderful, and it lists 3 criteria for an A that include both EA and PA. Plus tips on rebuilding. Maybe it would be a good way to prompt some more open conversation. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19980701-000026&page=1
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well, my H has expressed no remorse either. Actually back in Nov. when he talked about Reconciling he expressed some remorse for how he treated me but never anything with OW. I have a couple of ideas of why things changed for my H. One is that he was scared about getting out of the AF and he knew I would be there for him. Another reason..and I think this is a big part of it. He had surgery right before Thanksgiving. I was very worried. I hated him being there going through that without me or his family. I told him I would come to TX and take care of him while he recovered and he said he couldn't ask me to do that. So I called the hospital to make sure the surgery went ok and then I called and checked on him a lot and I even sent him some flowers. OW was supposed to be the one to 'take care of him' during his recovery. I am guessing she didn't. After that is when he told me that the people he had been hanging out with were "losers". I think he saw that even after everything had happened I still cared about him and would do anything for him. I really think that is what got him to thinking about things.
Thanks for the article , I just had time to skim through it. The problem with having H read anything is that he still "isn't sure what he wants". Not to mention the fact that he thinks he did nothing wrong with OW.
Quote:
There are gender differences. Men feel more betrayed by their wives having sex with someone else; women feel more betrayed by their husbands being emotionally involved with someone else. What really tears men apart is to visualize their partner being sexual with somebody else. Women certainly don't want their husbands having sex with somebody else, but they may be able to deal with an impersonal one-night fling better than a long-term relationship in which their husband was sharing all kinds of loving ways with somebody else.
I believe this. I think I feel more betrayed by him confiding in her. At the time all this blew up, I tried to get H to talk to me and he wouldn't...all the while he was talking to her for hours a day, confiding in her. He told me that she told him she felt like he was unhappy. Turns out she didn't do such a great job of making him happy either.
Quote:
SG: Three elements determine whether a relationship is an affair.
One is secrecy. Suppose two people meet every morning at seven o'clock for coffee before work, and they never tell their partners. Even though it might be in a public place, their partner is not going to be happy about it. It is going to feel like a betrayal, a terrible deception.
Emotional intimacy is the second element. When someone starts confiding things to another person that they are reluctant to confide to their partner, and the emotional intimacy is greater in the friendship than in the marriage, that's very threatening. One common pathway to affairs occurs when somebody starts confiding negative things about their marriage. What they're doing is signaling: "I'm vulnerable; I may even be available."
The third element is sexual chemistry. That can occur even if two people don't touch. If one says, "I'm really attracted to you," or "I had a dream about you last night, but, of course, I'm married, so we won't do anything about that," that tremendously increases the sexual tension by creating forbidden fruit in the relationship.
This also stood out to me. H thinks he did nothing wrong...he doesn't get that the secrecy is what was wrong. I don't understand why he doesn't get that. He had never even heard of an EA before I brought it up to him. I am not sure having him read things is a good idea right now. I am actually just thinking of going back to counseling myself to see if I can try to deal with the feelings of OW.
Yeah, I feel exactly the same way. Even before it turned physical, he apparently was confiding in her about all the problems in our R that he refused to talk to me about. I also got told everything was "fine" a lot.
If your H has always been telling the truth and it never was anything physical, I'm sure he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He probably sees it the same as confiding in any friend, regardless of their sex. That's one reason I suggested he read that, maybe he would understand why you feel betrayed.
But you know the situation better than anyone, and if you think he wouldn't listen/accept what he read, then there has to be a different strategy to try.
I know I've benefited from the couple times I've talked to my school counselor, she helped me see some of my biases and clarify my goals and gave me some insights into my H's behavior. I haven't really felt the need to go back since I get a lot of that here on the BB, but if my H wanted to R, I'm sure I'd be an emotional mess for a while and would probably want to talk to someone about it.
In other news, TGIF!!!!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Yes TGIF!! Work hasn't been as bad this week so I feel like I can enjoy my weekend a little more.
I have said this before, but I just don't know how to believe him when he says that it was never physical. He tells me that he always thought of her as a guy friend. I know that she had feelings for him from some text messages I saw from her. Even just thinking about them right now makes my blood pressure raise. In his responses to her the feelings never seemed reciprocated....but he had this obsession with her that I just don't understand.
I just don't know where all of these thoughts about OW are coming from lately. I really thought I had let it go. Hell, they couldn't even see each other if they wanted to. Neither one of them has any money! I just feel like there is still secrecy. I don't have any proof of this...I just feel it. I couldn't have proof unless I snooped...but I am not supposed to do that...so how do you ever really know if it is over?? Do you just believe them? I can't just believe him since that trust has been broken.
I think that is where the need for transparency comes in.
And whether or not he sees anything wrong with it, feelings aren't always rational. And your perception is more important than what "really" happened to some extent.
However, getting him to understand that is probably going to take some time, some calculated openness, and some serious DBing.
Got any good plans for the weekend?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I really need him to acknowledge that what he did was wrong and inappropriate whether things were physical or not. I need him to understand that.
When we were in MC, the counselor tried to tell him that you aren't supposed to have a friend of the opposite sex that your spouse doesn't know. I just feel like I need an explanation for being so close to her, for the phone calls, for the text messages, and for moving in with her. I have told him that before and he says he can't explain it. He does tell me that what he had with her and the things they talked about was on the surface and shallow. He says it was never anything deep like we had.
I remember in one of my individual counseling sessions, which was right after H's she asked me to tell her all the reasons I thought H was having an A. I told her and then she said she just wanted to make sure she wasn't missing anything. Then she said "I have just talked to your H, and I have heard everything you have to say and unless your H is a REALLY good liar...he is not having an A." ...Although at the time neither one of us knew that he was living with OW.
Wow, I really need to stop harping on this. I really feel myself getting mad all over again. I do think counseling would help him understand my feelings in all of this.
Hmmm....not sure yet what I am doing for the weekend...just glad I won't be working!
