I hope you had a good weekend, or at least a less emotional one than mine. I'm on a new thread now so pop by there for the update.
Did you get to see your kids? I hope so. I still haven't seen my daughter. I'm thinking of hiring Ted Koppell to give nightly updates on my D's "Hostage Crisis." I may need to find the next Ronald Reagan to break the deadlock and finally bring my daughter home.
Good to hear back from you. I was getting a bit worried that we hadn't heard from you in a while.
I completely agree that you are doing the right thing by not moving back in. You need to continue to do what you are doing and hang in there.
I'm gearing up for the possibility of having to fight my W to allow me to have 50/50 time w/ my D as she is trying to move to the other side of the county and control our D in the process.
Hang tough, my friend. I'll keep in touch to see if there is any way I can assist you as you continue to struggle (like we all are) to balance your head, your heart, and your sanity.
Last week, I was served with a petition for protection - a restraining order. My W asked the court to order that I cease all contact with her and with the children, until they turn 18.
Quite a shock to me.
There is a hearing scheduled next week, but in the interim, I am bound by a temporary order that says I may not communicate in any way with my children.
There is no inciting event. There was no violence or threatening act. There was nothing that brought this on. The only thing I can think is, it is the pressure of the divorce getting to my W. We had been communicating in email regarding residential time with the children, and finances, and so on. All the ugly business of divorce. Like RTL, I was asking for more time with the kids than my W was willing to offer. So clearly there was a conflict there. And then out of the blue, she served me with these papers.
Couple things ensued: First, my lawyer, a woman, started looking at me very differently. Questioning that maybe I Really am a violent man.
I tried to re-assure her but I think she is now very wary about me. She advised that I need to respond directly to all of the things in my W's statement. And that I would benefit from getting independent declarations from other people, describing the nature of my relationship with my children.
So I called a bunch of people who knew and know my family, and told them what was going on. Without exception, everyone was shocked my W would take such a drastic step. Everyone very concerned. Many of them used the word "Crazy" when describing this action. One said "I want to just shake her!" (this was a woman, a good friend of my W's).
Of course, some of these people called my W and asked "what the he11?" That very afternoon, she relented on the protection order requesting that I never see my kids again. That very afternoon.
At this point it has been over a week since I saw my children.
I'm lonely. I'm low. But I am keeping it together. Thinking long term.
Gotta run.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
there have been moments of sanity and clarity. Moments where it appears the truth and reality of what they have done sinks in, even temporarily. These seem to happen when I am welcoming, non-judgmental, supportive.
And then there are the moments of madness.
I want to elaborate on that a little. Ten days ago, my W and I were exchanging messages regularly and steadily, conducting the business of parenting and divorcing. On the parenting side - when will I see the kids, where will I pick them up, which one is sick, which one has a girl scout's meeting, what's the status of their homework, and so on. On the divorcing side - we need to sell the house, we need to settle the credit card debt, we need budgets, we need a temporary parenting plan (custody arrangement).
At that moment she shared with me some of her frustration in the process - it was stressful, she wasn't sleeping well, she had worries about where she would live, what school the kids would go to, what job she would get, and so on. I empathized. I expressed concern for her. I also said, "I know this is what you want, and we'll get through it." Later I sent her a text message, not asking "did you sleep well?" which would directly ask for a reply from her (hence pressure) but instead saying "I hope you slept well. 4 hours is not enough!" allowing her to not reply if she desired.
She later - much later - replied to me that she appreciated my concern for her.
So they do open up, if you are very very gentle.
At the same time we had a situation on our hands where my W was rationing my access to my children. I expressed frustration to her about this, and she reacted VERY VERY negatively, filing a petition for protection, and asking that the court bar me from EVER seeing my children again. This is the madness part.
You can see the severe contrast - these things happened in the same day. The same 24 hour period.
It's just wacky.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Those friends of my W's are now, I think, intending to become more actively engaged with her. I don't know whether this is good or bad, as pressure is pressure, regardless where it is coming from.
I am hopeful that something will come of it. I am hopeful that an independent third party, someone W trusts (or someone she used to trust anyway, in her previous life) will help her see. Is this a pipe-dream? Not sure. These women seem as shocked and dismayed as I am about the course my wife has chosen.
But I am also concerned that it will just push her away further.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I am sorry to read of the recent development regarding the restraining order and your inability to see your kids. I hope that this will be resolved and you will be cleared to have visitation with them again.
I hope your W's friends will be able to get her to open up and see the errors in her decision making. Hopefully some involvement will be a good thing.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
This is crazy about the restraining order like that. Simply filing something like that sure sounds like it could back fire on her. It shows that she is trying to use the children as pawns in her D game. You need to have your L get this settled quickly about a parenting plan. Maybe there is something in your state where they get a psycologist to evaluate you, your W and the kids to decide the best parenting plan.
Maybe you need to get a man lawyer.
The fact that her friends are on your side should help you. At least it seems that you have a lot of people on your side.
Be confident - you are a good man. Sorry, but I cant say similar about your W right now. She just sounds so selfish.
This is crazy about the restraining order like that. Simply filing something like that sure sounds like it could back fire on her. It shows that she is trying to use the children as pawns in her D game. You need to have your L get this settled quickly about a parenting plan. Maybe there is something in your state where they get a psycologist to evaluate you, your W and the kids to decide the best parenting plan.
Maybe you need to get a man lawyer.
The fact that her friends are on your side should help you. At least it seems that you have a lot of people on your side.
Be confident - you are a good man. Sorry, but I cant say similar about your W right now. She just sounds so selfish.
I don't think the judge in your divorce case will think highly of this move by her and her lawyer. This make end of helping you and hurting her in the long run.
