I was the last to know out of the two couples involved in my sitch. I made sure the whole world and his W knew what was going on in my M when I was told by my H. OW's H was pathetic and couldn't find his way out of a paper bag let alone fight for his M - he just went to pieces and enabled her to set up a love nest with my H that his W paid for even though my H was the CEO of the Co he and OW worked for, and eraned many times her salary.
Not only did it bring my H back to me, I have no doubt it saved my M
HOWEVER, I did this for several reasons.The principal one was my H erroneously thought I no longer loved him; the strength of my emotion showed him I did. It also scared OW off. The A had been going on for 18 months when I was told about it by my H. I had already sort of DBusted without knowing that an A was going on. I knew my M was in trouble and I was making changes to myself in order to try and get on with my H better. Having said that, I honestly believe if I had been calm and waited for him to 'decide' what he wanted my H would have just cake eaten. Who doesn't fancy two people fighting over them - what an ego trip.
If the reasons seem to indicate it go for the confrontation with the OP's S. But be very aware all control is lost and the wreckage could fall in any direction. Perhaps I was lucky; no-one can tell me whether it was luck or good judgement, but personally, living with secrets sticks in my throat.
If you confront, do it with intelligence and skill, NOT just pure anger. Have boundaries and be prepared to stick to them. I did and I was lucky enough to have a good professional team to back me up of therapists and a psychiatrist - and yes I needed him. It was nasty and I did try to kill myself. We had a week of hell but I must say I would rather have that than the months / years of torture I see some of the great people on these boards go through.
Think it through though - don't act rashly - use the 48hr rule.
Whatever decision you take it doesn't matter a fig what anyone on here has said - YOU have to live with the outcome.
OW won't give a fig about you - contacting her will just make her powerful and let her know she's got to you. Contacting OW's H will enable him to fight for his own M which may help you but NEVER make the mistake of thinking he is your friend - he will have his own agenda and whilst sometimes it might suit him to be on the same page as you, as soon as he needs to do something else to save his own M he will do it even if it means stabbing you in the back in all likelyhood.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Nope, I wasn't blasting Mark. Making a blanket statement like he did bears more explanation, not just 'saying it would have worked out different'. People then have to fill in the blanks using their OWN beliefs. Not a good idea when there are so many emotions in play.
I'll add that 'outing' an affair and calling OM / OW other half are not the same thing.
I'm not against holding her H accountable for his actions, I'm saying that pulling the OW's H into the fray adds a level of complexity you are not in an emotional position to manage.
Take AWAY control of YOU from H. THAT is what YOU have ultimate ownership of. YOU.
Kiki I am soo with you. There are million reasons for me to step in the between my H and OW. And there is only one reason to stop me, which I don't want him push away.
My H may not fall in the the 'normal' category and I do think he like to be chased by women and he like to be the center of attention no matter where he is. At the same time, he likes to be free and single. He told me that he liked the attention from her.
I am 'cool', lay back, not passionate wife and he didn't like it. He says " you are too proud and strong independent woman" which is somewhat true. Sometimes I feel like 'I don't wanna chase him, he needs to treat me great, I will not do something something until he does it first.."
I am ready to be single mom and live without him. I don't NEED him but I want him and I still love him (...sometimes) sometimes I am sooo p***ed o** and hate him for what he has done).
I read DBing and many threads and I am afraid to make mistake. So I am in the both side. but I have some ideas when and if the time comes....
Beuaty
Me:31 H:29 D:7 S:2 M:7y Together:8y found out his A :07/07 bomb:11/01/07 s: 11/15/07 OW-1 is out of state; other female friends around first thread
As you all know, I am a huge advocate for exposing the affair. It was probably one of the best things I ever did in my entire life. My W even told me "If you had not done it, the A would still be going on." She actually thanked me for it, and saw that I was FIGHTING for her and her love. All the while, I was doing DB stuff, GALing, etc. There is room for all of the good advice you are getting.
The EXPOSURE was the key for me. I owe a lot of that to Chocolate_Eyes (who has since been kicked off the board inexplicably.)
It is a TOUGH thing to do, but you can't let a liar/cheater decide your fate. You have to take control of your life.
PLEASE PLEASE read my sitch kikidee. I was in the SAME place as you.
My mouth is too big. I had to tell EVERYONE. Confronting OW didn't do a thing (except make her angry and give my husband an earful of her anger), but telling her H made her absolutely frantic. It added difficulty to her marriage and forced everyone to deal with the reality of the situation. Apparently, OW wanted to stay in her marriage because she immdiately cut off the relationship with my H.
Perhaps it would have pushed my H and OW closer together, but I was too angry to care and I was too intent on doing whatever I could to make her life (and their affair) more difficult regardless of where it went. Although my husband was already intent on divorcing me so it didn't matter. But even if he hadn't been. I probably still would have done it. And that's just me. It's a personal decision.
(P.s. No one knows Mark's sitch but himself. No one else is living it, and knows the people involved and all the details about it. And no one but him knows better, what may or may not have made a difference).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hello all I have not posted in a while. Actually I have been through a lot latelly. I will update my sitch when it is the time. I have decided to reply to you because I emailed OW, she has just repplied like this- I am sorry about what happened, I am in a steady realionship right know and I wish you success. I felt so low, so above her that all I can say is that I repplied back telling her that I wished her from my heart happiness and peace. I truly found out that in the end of the day it is him who has brought me pain.It is all about him. It is all about his choice and it is all about my concept of happiness. Do not waste your time with OP. Do waste your time with what you want to be the rest if your life.That is what will make you happy and define the ones that surround you. My best wishes. Hope you are stronger than I was. Be sure that there is someone watching over you.
I'm a strong believer in karma. It's not just some eastern mysticism as I use to believe. What goes around does come around in it's own time. It's a law of nature as far as I'm concerned. Possibly God's way of teaching us how to treat each other and grow spiritually. I know I've been stung by it in my life time. I've also been rewarded by it. I've learned some valuable lessons.
Let nature take it's course. Nobody can really stomach living a lie over a long period of time. It eats at them. This is not one of those little white lies either, it's one they know has potential to hurt others. Can you live a lie like that without the guilt and regret? I can't.
There is also the possibility that the OW's h may already suspect something? I know I suspected the A long before I confirmed it. Give him some credit, he may already know or at least suspect. Granted, us Men may not have the natural intuition like a Woman, but we're no dummies either. The clues of an affair are two strong to deny even from the most aloof cheaters.
It will only offer you temporary relief and the outcome is impossible to predict. Your choice and it's a gamble no matter how you look at it.
I say let them stew in their own deceit for a while. Watch the transformation as the depression, and low self-esteem starts to take it's toll on him. He'll start to lash out in anger at you for his own issues, so be prepared. Go dark and ignore him.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I am also a believer in karma. But people told me all of my life not to be so nice. Until someone told me, do not be so good, do not be evil, just be fair. We do not see that may be where trying to get approved but in fact we are not doing any good. Just let people take their own fate.
All of your thoughts are so provoking. I will have to re-read everything which has been said and do some thinking. I think that my overwhelming anger is subsiding. Unfortunately, I still feel as though both my H and the OW should be responsible for their actions and I don't feel that SHE should get away with this and just go on living her life, unaffected, while she's lying to her own H. Please keep giving me reasons to be both a) strong and not contact her H and b) strong and go on living my own life and not involve anyone else. I feel as though I need the thoughts and wisdom of people who have been here. Doing_My_Best, I have yet to read your sitch but plan to when I have a moment. Thank you all for your great thoughts.
M: 15 years T: 17 years Kids: 3 Proof of EA: 10/07 S: 1/31/08 Suspected Physical Contact: 11/02/08
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
