Hey RTL, I've been out of the loop for a while, thought I would check in with you. Lots has been going on with me but I want to talk about you.
I just read 26 pages worth of your threads. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's tough. I know the pain you feel. I'm sorry.
My first impression after all that reading? You need to detach more.
example: "I also wrote that it felt a bit odd to have the babysitter over w/out us leaving for a date, but it made D really happy, so I was totally fine with it.
Look, it is fine to feel that feeling. But you do not need to share it. Sharing that feeling is pressure. Period. With your comment, you are reminding her that you and she used to go on pleasant dates. She doesn't feel it for you now, RTL. You telling her that you feel it for her .... that's just pressure to her. Makes her feel guilty and rotten. Rubs her nose in it. It's an honest feeling you are having. but must you share it? Can you put a filter on your mouth? (or fingers) Can you feel your feelings, and also decide which ones you want to share, and when?
I like how you are handling your daughter and her statement that mommy loves you very much and this will just be our little secret. Sure sounds totally natural to me that a 4 year old child wants her parents to stay together. You especially need to be there to listen to your daughter, because most assuredly your W is not focused on that little girl right now. She needs extra love.
About OM kissing your wife, I'm not real comfortable allowing that in front of a 4 year old. That is too much, too soon, and seeing it is not healthy for her. Consider involving your therapist about this. You cannot do anything about W's relationship with OM, but it is inappropriate and unhealthy at this time for it to be on display to a 4 year old child. Consider taking action on this - asking L to write up a statement requesting that PDA's between W and OM be private. And before you tell me "I can't mention that", you can mention it because your daughter reported it to you. This troubles her. You are the father. You need to act and protect her. D4 is not ready for this. She is much too fragile to be exposed to this. Regardless how your W feels about YOU, it is traumatic for D4 to see W with OM. Your W should not be doing these things in front of her. Period. I feel very strongly about this.
on the go-dark-vs-go-grey question. I prefer the grey. You have "business" with your wife, even if it is just logistics of exchange for your daughter. Every time she hears your voice it is a chance for you to DB. Every time she hears your voice you should strive to be happy, cheerful, lighthearted. Every time she sees your face is a chance for her to see a smiling, cheerful, well-dressed, stable, confident RTL. I know. I know you don't feel all those things, all the time right now. But is it possible for you to show them, at least during the brief times she interacts with you. Putting on your sad eyes for when she cleared out the house- I know that had to be a sad moment for you. But it is better, honestly, if she sees you stable, cheerful, solid, as opposed to weepy, desperate, needy.
It is absolutely ok to feel weepy and desperate sometimes. But could you do that privately? Or share it here? Your W is not ready for that right now. It's not helping her, or your marriage, for you to share your pain with her, right now.
On the question of whether the police were necessary. I feel you there. I have faced many similar situations. I try to take a step back and look at what is at stake. Let's assume it's the belongings in the house. Do I Really care about a sofa, a TV, a blender? No. I don't. I'm working on my marriage and those material things are secondary (at best). So reading your sitch, I would not have gone heavy with the police presence. That feels really threatening to me, just reading about it.
On the question of calling D4 or not - absolutely call her every day. Write her. Send her packages and parcels. If you spent every day with her prior to this time, then she is missing you right now. She needs your presence. a phone call is a poor substitute for a hug, for a 4 year old. But it will have to do, on those days when you cannot see her. Think of your daughter. She doesn't see you. She doesn't understand what is happening. All she knows is that you are not there every day, like you used to be. She will conclude that you don't love her, that while she cannot see you, you are not thinking of her. She will conclude that she is no good, her daddy doesn't want her. This is not true, but it is what a four year old will believe, subconsciously. Therefore you need to constantly re-assure her that you will always love her, will always be her daddy. Every day. Every day. She needs this, now more than ever. Do not let your wife's aggressive tactics push you away from your daughter.
Maybe make sure she has a framed photo of you and her, to put next to her bed.
About the joint checking account and credit card things - seems to be par for the course. I took the same step (Closing accounts, etc) to force some rationality on my situation. I'm sorry it's happening to you.
About the lawyers - be careful following their guidance, on things like "make sure the police are at your house." Lawyers do not share your perspective. No matter what they say, they are born and bred to fight out a divorce. They are not signed up to fix a marriage. They want what is best for their client as an individual, through a dissolution of a marriage. this is what they do, all day every day. no matter what your L says, he has 30 years of conditioning telling him to FIGHT the other party. Don't let them pick fights you don't want. Question everything they suggest. you are a reluctant participant here, remember that. Be careful that the L does not stir up your feelings of victimhood, so that you want to GET your wife, or you want to PROTECT yourself from your W. That is what a L will tell you to do. Often, that is not DBing.
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As I have always said, there's no need to beat yourself up over things you have done. Best thing is to just live and learn, keep on keeping on.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
