OMG don't do it, I called my H's OW he wasn't upset and did say he's not seeing her anymore of course I will never know now! It will backfire on you and he will resent you even more, let him do the things he has to do and if he changes his mind and your still there then let it be! Leave him alone that and patience has been the hardest thing for me!! It's been 17 months and I'm still trying I still have hope!
I know what your going through work on yourself! God Bless....
Please don't take this in an agry manner, but I kind of feel like my friend Mark is being jumped by people for his opinion, which you can take or leave, your choice.
Mark may not know 100% what the outcome would have been, but I tend to agree with him. I lacked the courage to out things early. In a discussion with my H, he admitted that he didn't respect me because I didn't put my foot down and that he was wondering why I hadn't questioned some of the things I saw. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference at that stage of things, but I think each situation is different. You can't say definately that not outing the A is the only way to go. There are people on here that HAVE done it and it has worked. It all depends on how your S will react to it. If you read a lot of the threads here, some S's have admitted that deep down they wanted to get caught and get outed. Only YOU know what will be best in your situation.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I wouldn't do it. Strange as it is, you will be seen as a hateful, irrational troublemaker. Not fair, I know, and definitely insane, but that is an infidel's reasoning.
I'm so sorry kiki, hang in there. They tell me it gets better.
Hear hear! I'm with Kimmie. but there isn't a thing we can do about it! Pushing only makes it worse. You have to back off and do your own thing.
LuvMyHusband Me: 41 H: 43 ch: 3 M: 7+ T: 10+ Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07 Seperated: 9/07 H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008 Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA
"I am so tired of him having all of the control and waiting until he feels like he's ready to take some sort of action. Am I the only one who thinks like this? "
Sorry, I cannot do the quote thing. computer illiterate you know.
Kimmie I was agreeing with you.
LuvMyHusband Me: 41 H: 43 ch: 3 M: 7+ T: 10+ Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07 Seperated: 9/07 H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008 Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA
Just for the record, I'm not jumping on Mark. I agree that outing the affair can work in certain situations. I have chosen the other path.
OK, can't resist weighing in here. I agree, I don't think Drew & Co. were blasting Mark.
Originally Posted By: Drew
What I don't agree with is his statement that things would have turned out differently if he would have done that. No one knows that.
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
I do.
Ah, now, here's the tricky part.
Would things have turned out differently? Absolutely! A major change like that would have to have serious impact on the sitch.
Would things have turned out the way you would like them to? Would your W have suddenly woken from her MLC insanity and agreed to work on the marriage? There's just no telling. Reading other sitches here, outing the affair could just as easily have added fuel to the fire of her craziness, and accelerated her flight from the M. Assuming you know this answer implies that you still think you can control her actions - you've learned that lesson by now, haven't you?
I wish there was a cookbook that would guarantee success here, I truly do. Every sitch is different, and none of them is easy. My very best hopes for everybody reading this thread and struggling with this question. (((Hugs)))
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
My H's OW didn't have an H but even my contacting her really upset my H. He saw it as controlling and taking away his choice, free agency. That I tried to make him be accountable instead of allowing him the opportunity to do it. He feels that people should be able to make mistakes and make it right when they are ready, not when some one else is. The stuff I did to get him to stop with her and to get her to back off only made him angry and resentful to me. She could do whatever and it didn't matter...at first. Once I backed off and it was HIS choice, he stopped with her.
The hardest thing for me to do is to BACK OFF and to not control. I had those issues prior so backing off helps. Anyway, you have to think carefully. Time, time, time.
LuvMyHusband Me: 41 H: 43 ch: 3 M: 7+ T: 10+ Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07 Seperated: 9/07 H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008 Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA
Hear hear! I'm with Kimmie. but there isn't a thing we can do about it! Pushing only makes it worse. You have to back off and do your own thing.
I agree in that "pushing only makes it worse" and with "do(ing) your own thing".
Everyone has boundaries, and those boundaries greatly vary. Some DBers are content with leaving the A alone (for the time being) while other DBers just won't have it. Personally, I fall into the latter, and that's just me. Every sitch is different. Kikidee, YOU know YOUR sitch better than anyone else.
What are YOUR boundaries? What are you ok with and what are you not ok with?
If you want to stick it out in the hopes that the A comes to an end on its own, then you go for it, and focus on the changes YOU need to make in your life. Focus on becoming a better you.
If you are not ok with the ongoing A, then you must CALMLY discuss it with your H. Tell him how it hurts you, that you are not ok with it, and that it's a dealbreaker for you. Don't expect him to give you an immediate decision (they rarely happen), but do set a timeline for yourself, and you MUST stick to it. If you don't, your H won't take you very seriously next time.
Remind your H that you are not, in any way, trying to control him. The only thing you are controlling is your OWN life.
It is YOUR choice.
Last edited by GoingForward; 02/15/0807:25 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I did contact OW. I called her and told her off. Her response: "thanks for telling me how you feel." After we hung up, she called my H. It pushed them closer together. I also called their boss (my h and ow work/ed together) and told him. I told our church elders - anyone I could think of. H and I have reconciled, and to be honest, none of that mattered. What mattered was me loving him. What mattered was me fighting for us and giving him the space he was asking for.
Your H is asking for space. Give it to him. Stay out of his business. This really has nothing to do with you. You are the victim. You have no control over any of it. Find a way to love your H in spite of this. Find a way to show him that you care. That you understand he isn't happy. That you are willing to allow him to screw up and clean this up on his own. Don't muddy the waters by thinking that his actions have anything to do with you or that you have any control over him.
Be strong. Em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
