Well, my H has expressed no remorse either. Actually back in Nov. when he talked about Reconciling he expressed some remorse for how he treated me but never anything with OW. I have a couple of ideas of why things changed for my H. One is that he was scared about getting out of the AF and he knew I would be there for him. Another reason..and I think this is a big part of it. He had surgery right before Thanksgiving. I was very worried. I hated him being there going through that without me or his family. I told him I would come to TX and take care of him while he recovered and he said he couldn't ask me to do that. So I called the hospital to make sure the surgery went ok and then I called and checked on him a lot and I even sent him some flowers. OW was supposed to be the one to 'take care of him' during his recovery. I am guessing she didn't. After that is when he told me that the people he had been hanging out with were "losers". I think he saw that even after everything had happened I still cared about him and would do anything for him. I really think that is what got him to thinking about things.
Thanks for the article , I just had time to skim through it. The problem with having H read anything is that he still "isn't sure what he wants". Not to mention the fact that he thinks he did nothing wrong with OW.
Quote:
There are gender differences. Men feel more betrayed by their wives having sex with someone else; women feel more betrayed by their husbands being emotionally involved with someone else. What really tears men apart is to visualize their partner being sexual with somebody else. Women certainly don't want their husbands having sex with somebody else, but they may be able to deal with an impersonal one-night fling better than a long-term relationship in which their husband was sharing all kinds of loving ways with somebody else.
I believe this. I think I feel more betrayed by him confiding in her. At the time all this blew up, I tried to get H to talk to me and he wouldn't...all the while he was talking to her for hours a day, confiding in her. He told me that she told him she felt like he was unhappy. Turns out she didn't do such a great job of making him happy either.
Quote:
SG: Three elements determine whether a relationship is an affair.
One is secrecy. Suppose two people meet every morning at seven o'clock for coffee before work, and they never tell their partners. Even though it might be in a public place, their partner is not going to be happy about it. It is going to feel like a betrayal, a terrible deception.
Emotional intimacy is the second element. When someone starts confiding things to another person that they are reluctant to confide to their partner, and the emotional intimacy is greater in the friendship than in the marriage, that's very threatening. One common pathway to affairs occurs when somebody starts confiding negative things about their marriage. What they're doing is signaling: "I'm vulnerable; I may even be available."
The third element is sexual chemistry. That can occur even if two people don't touch. If one says, "I'm really attracted to you," or "I had a dream about you last night, but, of course, I'm married, so we won't do anything about that," that tremendously increases the sexual tension by creating forbidden fruit in the relationship.
This also stood out to me. H thinks he did nothing wrong...he doesn't get that the secrecy is what was wrong. I don't understand why he doesn't get that. He had never even heard of an EA before I brought it up to him. I am not sure having him read things is a good idea right now. I am actually just thinking of going back to counseling myself to see if I can try to deal with the feelings of OW.
