I feel like I'm at my rope's end. I am so sick of the denials from my recently separated H. I just want to get it all out in the open and finally have some truth. Does anyone have any opinions on contacting the OW's husband to let him know of what's going on? I am so angry. I know it sounds juvenile but I just don't think it's fair that she continues on in her life without having to take responsibility for screwing with my H's head, leading him on and placing me in a position of questioning his every move. I feel as though her family has the right to know that she is being unfaithful. I really want to call and find out if there is any way that he wasn't with her on Monday night, as per his story. Does anyone have any advice???
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
I wouldn't do it. Strange as it is, you will be seen as a hateful, irrational troublemaker. Not fair, I know, and definitely insane, but that is an infidel's reasoning.
I'm so sorry kiki, hang in there. They tell me it gets better.
Who is they? And how do you think it gets better? Better because you detach from them or because some sense somehow creeps back into their brain and they see how hurtful they are being and how much they are destroying their own and everyone else's lives around them? I think it appeals to me to contact OW H because it feels like I'm DOING something. I am so tired of him having all of the control and waiting until he feels like he's ready to take some sort of action. Am I the only one who thinks like this?
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
All that will happen if you do this is that you will push your H farther away. You cannot control what he does or feels. By taking the high road and working on yourself you ARE doing something. The details of what your H is doing and who he is doing it with don't matter in the long run.
What matters is that you take care of yourself and show him that you are the same woman who he fell for in the first place. Exposing what he is doing will only make things worse. Do things that make you happy and try not to focus on what he is doing. I know it hurts. But it will hurt a lot more if you put this wedge between you and your H. Plus it will make it just that much harder to get things back on track later.
Be patient and as hard as it may be, love him. Loving someone who loves you back is easy. Loving someone who is hurting you or who says that they don't love you is true love. Be the best woman you can be, not only for your M, but for your family and most of all for YOU!
You can do this. Every time you get knocked down get up, dust yourself off, have a good cry, vent on this board, but don't let him see you that way. You are strong, and you can make this work. Just hang in there and go one day at a time.
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
Bryan and Mark are on opposite sides of this spectrum. Both ways can work, both can backfire. And you won't know going in what will happen with either plan and neither do they. Only you can make this decision, so I would really search your heart for what you think if right for your situation.
That being said, I side with Bryan on this one.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Sorry that you've found yourself here in this place, as we all have.
You've been hurt very badly, and now that hurt has turned into anger. Sounds to me like you want to lash out at those who have caused you this pain.
It is understandable. We've all been there. Some have gone through it, some are going through it, and some will continue to go through more of these crazy, unfair feelings.
It is ultimately YOUR decision on what to do. Please think very long and hard about it before making that choice. While it may help relieve your pain and anger, it will only be short-lived, and you might very well find that it didn't help at all. In fact, it could make your sitch much worse, and not only that, it could cause turmoil in another M. Do you honestly want to be responsible for that?
There is much debate on this subject (exposing A's). I, personally, do not feel that they should be allowed to be kept secret or ongoing. I do not believe that a R can thrive when the WAS is allowed to keep living in fantasy. But others feel that it should be left alone because they believe the A will die out over time. In some cases, the unfaithful spouse is still living in the house while continuing their A, and the hurt spouse would prefer that the WAS stays home. They believe it keeps the WAS close and also gives the WAS opportunities to see the changes the LBS is making, hoping it will make the WAS think twice about leaving.
Again, it is solely up to you, and I hope you make the right decision for you.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I think it appeals to me to contact OW H because it feels like I'm DOING something. I am so tired of him having all of the control and waiting until he feels like he's ready to take some sort of action. Am I the only one who thinks like this?
What control does he have 'all of'?
If you want 'control', file for divorce.
If you REALLY want control, stop giving a rats A$$ about what he is doing and cut him out of your life. Go dark. Screw him and his fantasy life.
I know that morally you see what he and OW are doing as vulgar. I have been through a similar situation. I will tell you that once you tell OW's H you will open a can of worms that will bring more hurt and emotion onto your shoulders.
Why? Because your H will resent you, he will be ostracized and he won't stop the affair regardless. What HE and OW are doing is BS but the bottom line is YOU. What will benefit YOU?
Opening this can of worms and a can of whoop A$$?
Or
Closing the door on him and it. Let go. You want to control, control your reactions. Withdraw from the game that is being played out in front of you. THEY are not worth it.
Had I used this option (putting my foot down), I probably would be in the process of piecing my marriage back together, rather than making arragements for a divorce.
I'm curious how you know the outcome would have been different had you 'put your foot down'.
