Believe it or not but I still hold that your best is/was your exH. You have a lot of unfinished business that you seem to be sorting through, which is fine, we all do. The problem I see is that you seem to be steering toward the same type of cynicism that your exH had toward women, only you are developing this toward men.
You both have the same issue, and that is a lot of core childhood hurt that drives you both to either try WAY too hard to be accepted by others, or you get angry and cynical when you don’t get the acceptance you think you should have. The lack of acceptance may not be due to some other person’s actions or words, but to your perception of what acceptance is.
I’m not sure how hopping from one man to another is going to help you resolve this matter. I can see how coming to terms with your exH would help, even helping him to find his own sense of peace could help (this has nothing to do with whether you get back together or not). I know what you’ll say, that you tried to help your exH, you sacrificed and subjected yourself to his abuse, etc. While I believe that is true, I also think some of it was self-serving, trying to make him happy so that he would make you happy…. just a more intricate form of who can be the biggest, most pitiful martyr, and how can you make your spouse rescue you.
Perhaps this old mindset is where you are stuck, and is still the kind of game you are “playing,” which is only destined to hurt you. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that it is not fair that men can do this (ala Blackfoot), so why can’t women? Men will get hurt too, it may take longer for the effects to become clear (in part I think because they don’t bear children), but spending a life alone is not good for anyone, man or woman. Drop the cynicism and the anger toward men.
