I did go over to H's last night. We actually cooked dinner together. Things just don't feel right. I am getting the feeling that he wants to be friends, but no longer wants to work on the M. Also, there are so many things that bother me about him right now...that I am not sure I want to work on it. Sometimes I think the only reason I want to work on it is because like my H...I don't want to be divorced. Yes, in the beginning I was devastated, but now I just think about how much better it can be if both people are working to make things better, and both people want to be in the M. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me or wants me just out of need or convenience.
I told him that if he wanted me to go shopping with him to call me. I told him I wasn't going to call him because I always do. He said he wanted to go today and he would give me a call...we'll see.
I did find myself having anxiety about OW last night. I was really close to leaving shortly after I really having a hard time coping with the thoughts. I know that probably goes away with time, but I am just not sure I can be with him when that doubt will always be there or the fear that he will do it again will always be there. I shouldn't have to fear that.
I am just having that doormat feeling again. Why is it that he gets to do what he wants and I am supposed to just forgive him? Doesn't that send the message that he can do it again, and I will just forgive him again? Sorry, I am rambling...I guess I am just having a bad day.
