Well, Mattie, I showed $650 more of anger today. Another paycheck, another deposit. Even trying to correspond with her about what the finances actually are would be so painful. She would not be civilized, and would just go on the attack. I could take the stong stand and tell her to modify her tone and pull herself together and not treat me like a doormat. I've been there. It accomplshes nothing except to elevate her anger and vitriol to a new high. Calmness on my part or escalating it and taking her on head to head get the same result. Anger and ESCALATED Anger. No patience with anything.
If I tried to explain that I'm puting money away for ME, she would say that I'm holding he kids hostage, by throwing that in her face. It really is a no win. Being dark is a self preservation tactic. The counselor I used to say had one good line for me (3K later) "Why do you settle for crumbs?" and "She had an anger issue long before she met you"
cf: My anger is not continuous, but usually event driven. As I looked at craigslist online for apartments, I harkened back to when my S9 told me with tears in his eyes: "Daddy, I don't like any of this. We can't do all the stuff we used to". Even though I was there 3 or 4 days a week, it was such a disjointed life. Three years ago, I'd get him from school, we'd do homework and then go hit hockey pucks in the street or play catch until dinner. I still do that, but, now when I went to what used to be my house, I had to do homework, run out and buy stuff for dinner, cook it, clean up, give him a bath, put him to bed, and wait for W. to come home so I could drive back to my dumpster, fall into bed, wake up and do it again. even though it's HIS perception it didn't happen as much as it used to, it's reality to him. I comfort him, try to say all the right "Wednesday and every other weekend Dad things"
Anger IS a choice, but I chose to BE angry! Not all the time, but I DO choose it. Here's why.
My anger IS directed at my W. for robbing the FAMILY of simple pleasures, for putting her needs ahead of my kids wanting an intact family over unmet "Needs" which are so easy to fix, but now that she TOLD me what the needs were, fulfilling them on my part would seem artificial, so she is "aggravated" by that. even in MC, when I made huge attempts, she did nothing to change her explosive, unreasonable personality. Given those parameters, this whole mess is so fixable, but I get the vote that doesn't count here.
You're right it is a choice. Yesterday and today, I don't feel particularly mangnanimous or forgiving. It goes in cycles, as you know.
Hill: Thare's not a day that goes by when I don't think how fortunate I am to have the privilege to wear this uniform. My infrared flag on my right should is dilapedated......just the way I like it!!
