Finding my way out of the dark

[tpaschal]

Mishka,

Sorry you had such a rough couple of days. Your story sounds similar to mine, except I am one YEAR into it. Can't believe it's been that long. However, I don't think I'm any further along than you, really, as far as the divorce process, partly because I've been stalling everything, and partly because my H is and always has been a huge procrastinator. (Some things never change.)

I'm right there with you about saying things to my H that I KNOW I shouldn't say, and I KNOW won't help, but you know what? We're only human. And we're still new at this.

I may be one year post-bomb, but I was with the man for 20 years before that and was used to certain patterns of communication and ways of relating to him. The main thing was---I was always able to be completely honest with him about my thoughts and feelings, and we talked a LOT. Now it's hard to keep all that bottled up away from him! I think I've done a pretty good job of DB'ing, and in doing a 180 about changing some of the ways I used to communicate with him, but it takes time.

I know spewing or venting about the OW doesn't help, and talks about the R don't help, but honestly, there have been a few times when I've hit my H with a couple of cold, hard truths, (mainly to do with the kids) and it has seemed to improve things a little.

I know that MLC'ers who have come out on the other side say that sometimes they WERE listening to what their spouse had to say, and that sometimes there were things that they actually "took in" that made a difference.

I think we just have to be careful not to let it happen often, and when it does, we have to forgive ourselves. We are human, after all, and going through a huge amount of pain.

I think praying and asking God for peace right before you have any contact with your H is always a good idea, and if there's a text message or an email you want to send, WAIT. Pray first, wait a few hours or even overnight if possible, maybe even consult a friend who understands DB'ing, and then if it still seems like a good or necessary thing to do, go for it.

As for Friday nights alone, I'm in the same boat as you. Well, I don't have too many because H doesn't take the kids very often, but I know what you mean about only knowing couples. I only have one or two single friends, and they are single moms with kids, so it's often hard to coordinate schedules.

What about going to the movies? Or have a friend over and rent a movie? I have a friend who is still happily married with children, but she occasionally comes to my house to escape! We'll go see a movie that her H isn't interested in, or we'll stay at my house and watch a movie and have a glass of wine together. Check with your church about weekend programs they may have. And if your church doesn't have anything, check the other churches in your community. My church is huge and has crafting groups, book clubs, etc., etc.

I've also had nights to myself where I will take a portable TV to whatever room needs its closet cleaned out, I'll stick in a movie, and make with spring cleaning!

I hope you have a good weekend.