Ok, I have my thread in newcomers but I've just been woken up to the fact that W is trawling for a new relationship online, keeping various men on the line on IM and testing them out if they pass her wacko criteria...
I suspect W has had at least two PA's (one night stands?) among all the EA's she is conducting in parallel. I know for certain W's last PA only lasted the one time, he decided after having sex with her that he'd rather stay an IM friend... ouch! Guess that didn't work out quite the way W expected.
Anyway, W has totally switched off to me now, being more and more hostile to me and the kids. Her exercise/weight loss issues are in overdrive and I suspect her health is going to tank pretty soon too. She has quit her (3 month lasting) job and the money from that has dried up, along with most of our joint bank account.
Used to get hugs and kisses in the morning, snuggling at night because W was cold, all gone now it seems. Maybe she has a new EA or is still miserable because the last PA rejected her physically (and she has HUGE body image issues)? Is it normal after only 6 months to be so detached that her whole PA and EA stuff doesn't actually bother me as much as her behaviour towards the kids and myself?
Also know that she is planning to start the divorce in June/July... hope she has a job by then because there is no way my salary will come close to supporting two households and I'm not happy with the idea of my kids living in relative poverty (or around W's string of men she is trying to seduce a comfortable living out of).
Would be greatly appreciative of some advice and support from some of the veterans here. I know choc would say "confront her and kick her out" (yeah, I've been watching you choc!) but I don't think I want to do that quite yet, I love my kids and they will suffer more with W gone (even if she is being a unreliable mother these days).
Brad
Me: 35 W: 34 S8 & S5 M: 11 IDLY: 08/2007
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" - Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain!"
You're probably right, I'm too big a softie. I would have hit the roof in anger/pride etc a few months ago, but I just really feel pity for W now. She is damaging herself so badly and all I can do is stand back and watch now.
Kids are, afaik, still not being exposed to any of her infidelity. I am not soft enough to let her do something like that, my kids are more important to me than she will ever be again.
You keep that supply of 2x4's choc, everyone needs a few of those upside the head regularly here *8)
Me: 35 W: 34 S8 & S5 M: 11 IDLY: 08/2007
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" - Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain!"
Heh, applied a bit of reciprocation to W's verbal attacks last night. W has a habit of calling just before I get home to ask me to do the groceries, even though she had plenty of time to go herself earlier in the day. Last night she calls me and does the usual "Can you go, or I can go when you get home" so I called her bluff and said she can go *8)
Got home to hear "I did work today!", "Why didn't you want to shop?" and various other whinging. Got to around dinner time and W still hadn't left to shop so I told her to hurry up and go, got another little rant from her which I reflected again. As W was leaving she did the "I just shouldn't come back!"
And you know what? I was thinking to myself after that how amusing she is saying that since she can't afford to leave, trying to push my buttons with hollow threats isn't going to work. I just made dinner and watched the kids, by the time W got back it was ready and she thanked me for cooking etc. Bet W went to her little group of IM boyfriends afterwards and wailed about how mean her H is!
W still isn't sleeping properly, still on an carb over-eating phase... Guess she is stressed by something, wish I could say I really cared. Going to have to get W to sleep on the couch if she continues to come to bed late and disturb my sleep by waking up early too.
Wonder if W is waking up to the fact that I'm going to stop picking up the slack, she better get herself back in gear with the housework now that she doesn't have a job anymore. W was also telling me how she wants to continue with her personal trainer thing at the gym, sure, where are you getting the 450 Euro from to pay for it this time?
Me: 35 W: 34 S8 & S5 M: 11 IDLY: 08/2007
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" - Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain!"
Noticed this morning that W was avoiding any contact in bed, jumping back like she had been shocked if she brushed up against my leg etc. Moved myself into the middle of the bed and watched as she balanced on the edge of the bed for a bit. When the alarm went off I asked W to snuggle, got a "I don't want to" so I told W "but I do" and snuggled her anyway. Didn't get pushed away or shouted at though.
When it was time for me to go to work I went to get my goodbye kiss, W had just gotten out the shower, so I got my kiss and grabbed her butt briefly. Also didn't get shouted at, yay me. At least this dude got to have a naked woman in his hands today, even if it was only for a second.
Didn't get W anything for V day, if she isn't even saying goodnight to me I don't think she should expect it either. Car went in for a service today, mega money to get it roadworthied Oh well, its an old car and its paid off now. Just works out at another 3 months of payments really...
W really is doing the teenager thing though, found out she was driving 160km/h (100mph) back from visiting her friend in another city. Can't wait for the tickets *sigh* Really irresponsible, good thing the kids were in school and not with her. Also heard from a friend that stopping Prozac can sometimes result in the person becoming promiscuous, guess it kept their compulsions in check and when it goes...
Been working on a basic budget, if I get primary custody of the kids and the alimoney isn't too bad (yeah, right) then life should be ok. W will not be ok, hasn't started trying to find a real job again and the alimoney will never be enough to live on. Add to that the fact that W has proven that she can earn a decent salary and the courts will base alimoney on her achievable income...
Me: 35 W: 34 S8 & S5 M: 11 IDLY: 08/2007
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" - Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain!"
Actually, thats pretty funny.. and good she didnt push you away..
Car payments stink, cant wait till mine is over.. If they car was good and didnt need any repairs in between I wouldnt care, but this was a lemon unfortuanetly..
Have a great day!
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
What a wonderful day... Went as a family to the gym to get ambushed by a "we need to move forward with the D" talk from W after dropping the kids in their play hall.
Got the usual stuff thrown at me "We could have saved it two years ago, I'm high maintenance, we lead seperate lives, we both deserve a second chance, I think we both need to live alone, the kids would benefit from having two happy parents" etc. Validated her where I could, disagreed politely when things were about kids/money etc and how they should be dealt with. Didn't bring up the fact that I know she is dating and having sexual encounters, W would deny it again.
Also got the "we can live as roommates" "I talked to someone who is a mediator" and various other things that just echo the I decided this before and want you to agree. At this point I can't see any way that W will change her mind about our M, specially with her EA/PA's. I have turned myself around a lot since this started, faced the fact that I wasn't there for W and realised that W was never really happy in our M.
Did a lot of the standard reaction at the start of this, but have gotten to a point where I can deal with things mostly calmly. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, just means I'm not falling apart like I did 6 months ago. W is the one leaving, I am the one standing up and behaving responsibly. W is right that I will find someone who I can share my life with, don't know when in the future, but it will happen.
W seems to have accepted that I will probably keep the appartment and she will move out. Won't be an easy life for her, the balance of working full time vs having to put the kids in daycare ever day... Some of the assets are easy to do, I don't drive (don't ask) and W does, so the car is a no brainer etc. Have to sit down with W and do a more thorough budget plan. W even brought up the question of if I'd stay in NL! She thinks I'd leave my kids behind? Heard the standard divorce language coming from her too, obviously been reading up about it recently.
No way for W to start this moving forward before she gets her permanent residence sorted out here. I told W that people advised me to force the D early so that she would not be able to get residence, immediately wanted to know who said it etc... Told her that I knew I could do that but I didn't see the point, its just plain vindictive. My guess is that W will want to file after June (after my bonus), takes 3 months for an uncontested divorce to finalize here. Gives me until just after S5's birthday.
Will write more later, kids want to play a game.
Me: 35 W: 34 S8 & S5 M: 11 IDLY: 08/2007
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" - Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain!"
I'm more concerned about your children and your wife's emotional instability. I know living with someone as "roommates" doesn't sound so great. But to keep my kids safe I would consider it. Just my two cents....
If she's living with the type of guys you've described the statistical chances of child molestation do increase.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Oh, we've been living the roommates thing ever since the whole thing kicked off. She just wants to be roommates until the divorce can be sorted out, its not a situation she wants for any long period of time.
Yeah, I have to worry about who she may or may not decide to bring into her home once she gets her own... On the flipside, W will have to work close to full time to make enough money to pay for her new life, add her hectic gym schedule and I don't see how she will have the time or energy to be going out for a while!
Honestly don't know how W will make enough, there really isn't enough leg room in our current budget to have child support (and we'll be co-parenting if all goes as we have discussed many times) and alimoney to make up for the difference in earning power...
Last night I had another of those wtf?! moments, I was watching something on my laptop when W walked in to "watch" tv with me. Got the comment "should I bother coming to sit here or are we going to watch something else"... W actually thinks she is doing me a favour by sitting on the couch IM'ing away in front of me?
Decided to unsubscribe from W's blog, far too disturbing to keep reading all the entries where she directly or indirectly writes stuff that is disrespectful to myself or our marriage. As a friend of mine said to her recently, W should write what she wants, as long as it doesn't hurt people, W's reply "like who?" and a little later "except for the kids I mean". Nice, kids are an afterthought.
Me: 35 W: 34 S8 & S5 M: 11 IDLY: 08/2007
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" - Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain!"
Mate, sorry to hear about your sitch...... sounds like your W is really doing your head in.
I have been "room-mates" with my ex for 13 months now. She dropped the bomb in Dec 06, and was full steam ahead with selling our newly built dream house and getting the heck out to start her new life with OM.
Mind u, we are legally separated, and I am waiting for the D papers to be drawn up. Also we are preparing the house for sale etc.
Well, I played the DB card, and things have calmed down heaps since then (probably over the last 7 months). I detached completely from my XW, spent all my time concentrating on my DD, my family, my friends and work. Work out at the gym at least 5 times a week and look better now than when I was playing semi-pro Rugby 15 years ago.
We are being civil to each other, she has re-connected with DD and her family. She is so much more responsible now, than back then (in regards to co-parenting). Sure, she is well and truly involved with OM now (and still in MLC mode), but she has had the space and time to think about her actions, and probably since Nov 07 she has told her sister and close friends that she think she made the wrong decision.
But her ego gets the better of her, and she will pursue her path to save face. Also she doesn't want to hurt OM and is probably scared to be alone, and have done it all for nothing.
But to cut a long post short Room-mates for the sake of children does work. It will be painful initially, but it will get better. Only if you can truly detach emotionally from what is happening to her. And do not snoop or take any interest in what your W is doing, as that will always hurt you the most.
It will buy you enough time to consolidate your life, and will put you in a position to either reconcile with your W (given time) or finally move on without W. I think it will be win-win on your part and the kid(s).
Also, my XW and I agreed not to bring any of our partners (mainly her OM) or future partners into our "family" home, out of respect for each other.
All my best, AndyV
P.S I asked W (not relationship talk or anything), if she was really happy with her life now (just friendly small talk, and me telling her that I always wanted her to be happy). Her response "I suppose".
When the alarm went off I asked W to snuggle, got a "I don't want to" so I told W "but I do" and snuggled her anyway. Didn't get pushed away or shouted at though.
Oh well, its an old car and its paid off now. Just works out at another 3 months of payments really... 
Room-mates for the sake of children does work. It will be painful initially, but it will get better. Only if you can truly detach emotionally from what is happening to her. And do not snoop or take any interest in what your W is doing, as that will always hurt you the most.