Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

How do you feel about your coaching session? Do you think it has made a difference in how you see your sitch or what your goals are? I've been wondering myself about whether I should do one. I really don't have very much money to spare, but if it could help me... maybe. I'm glad you told me about the "not going dark" advice you got from your coach. Somehow I see going dark as a last resort kindof action to take, when there really is not much hope. Your W is in contact w/ you at least once in awhile, so I think that there is still hope, and from my vantage point, things look better than they did when I first started reading about your sitch. I also like the compliment as you leave suggestion. I'll have to try that.

Anyway, as it turns out, my H did stay the night last night. It was a pretty surreal experience though, to say the least. First H picked up D from school and we met up for a lite dinner as we usually do before D's dance class (at least we started doing that in about November). I made sure I looked great - new dress, hair done the way he likes it, makeup fresh, and when I walked into the restaurant & took off my coat his eyes went "wow" and he said twice that I looked really, really good. Then I went home & H took D to dance class. When they got home we all had a snack and talked and did up D's valentines for her classmates. Then H tucked D in while I made lunches & ironed a shirt for him, which he had asked me to do for him b/c he was leaving for an out of town interview in the am. Afterwards I helped him pretty up his presentation for his interview. These were all things we used to do as a family when he was living here, and the whole time I was having this sortof "out of body" sensation, almost like I was in a dream and was going to wake up any minute, or like one of those cheesy old sci fi shows, where the aliens can read your mind and create a world out of your memories (yeah, my dad was a real sci fi buff, so I got to see alot of the oldies as a kid). Anyway, after all that, we went to bed, just the way we used to, cuddling. Your advice about ML was a bit late for me, though H was the initiator (if that makes any difference, which I doubt it does). I'm not sure if that will make him retreat this time, since he did call me during his stopover, and again when he arrived at his hotel. But I do know what your coach is talking about with retreating, since it has happened many times w/ H in the past. But then again, he did have to go out of town, so he had an easy escape anyway.

H seemed to be pretty content last night, notwithstanding the fact that he must have been ready to climb the walls thinking about his interview. He didn't seem uncomfortable at all, and I was really watching for that last night. The only thing I probably shouldn't have done, though I'm not entirely sure, was to give him a valentine's card (in it I wrote that I know I'm not really good at finding the right words to let him know how important he is in my life, and then went on to try). He seemed touched by it. One of the things he said to me months ago when we talked about his A was that the OW always told him that she loved him, every day, and that I had stopped making him feel loved a long time ago. So even though he is in MLC (that's what I believe) and the advice is to not tell him I love him, the 180 for me is to make sure I do let him know I love him, and accept him and forgive him - maybe not necessarily by simply saying
"I love you". Maybe what he needs right now is for me to show him that I can give him the space he needs, let him go off and figure out what is going on in his head and still be able to love him and accept him when he is able to come back to me. I always had a problem with that in the past.

Wow, you sure sound like a handy guy to have around fixing bathtubs and holes in ceilings!! Your W better think twice before tossing you away - somebody who does stuff around the house gets extra points in my book. My Dad is very handy and whenever he visits I have a long list for him. My H used to want to do stuff around the house and has started talking about it again - more positive indications. I'm feeling a bit more hopeful today, so I'm not going to overanalyze things right now - I'm just going to ride the crest of these good feelings and try to stay positive, you know, like "The Secret".

Have fun with your repair project this w/end!

FA