Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[GoingForward]

Forgot to mention, during last night's call, H said, "At least I told you I talked to her. Would you have preferred that I lied about it?"..... ..... I said it was going to be bad either way. H admitted, "Yeah."

Ok so, H called this morning, and I have to admit that at that point, the hurt I felt the night before had turned a little into anger and frustration. Or maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

After answering and saying hello, H said hi, then I asked him if he wanted to talk to the kids. Many times H will call in the mornings to wish the kids a good day.

He said no, he wanted to know if he could talk with me. I asked about? H said he didn't know, everything he guessed. I said I really was in no mood to talk at the moment. I really didn't have anything to say either.

H gave another apology for having talked with OW. He's just really confused, doesn't know what to do.......yada yada yada. Said I have "all these rules" and a "deadline" and he can't decide.

I stopped him there and said I didn't have time for this right then. I had to get the boys ready for school. He asked if he could call me later. I said if he wanted to, that would be fine.

Fast forward to this afternoon.

H called again as I was leaving the house to pick up S12 from school. He asked if we could talk now. With my other two sons in the car, I said it probably wasn't the best time. H said he would like to talk to me about his schedule then, so we discussed that, when he would and wouldn't be able to have the kids.

Reached the school, let the boys out to play in the field, then H turned the conversation into an R talk. The boys were far enough away so I was ok.

He again started out with how very sorry he is about having talked with OW, and again went into my deadline and rules I put out for him.

I said, "Look. I am really sorry that you feel I'm giving you rules to follow, ultimatums, or a deadline to make. I do not feel that's what they are, and I am not trying to control you in any way. I have limits, H. Everyone's got them. 3 years is TOO LONG to live like this. You were unsure and confused when you moved out, and you still are, 3 years later. That is TOO LONG, and I will not go through this anymore."

He said he understood.

Then I said,"As far as rules, ok. I have rules, and my number one rule is this - if you want to be in a serious, COMMITTED R with me, if you want this M, then there CANNOT be anyone else. Period. Even someone you dated who was also a 'friend', and still is. I am NOT ok with that, H. It's a dealbreaker for me. I need to feel secure. Don't both people in a R have to feel secure with one another? Wouldn't you agree with that?"

H said yes, he agreed and understood.

I told him I do not feel secure with him. H said, "I'm sorry. I f'ed up. I talked to her, and I shouldn't have. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to change my number?"

I know that wouldn't happen. He's playing some game. Can't quite explain it, but I know what he's doing. Whenever H happened to do something that upset me, he would often ask if a certain thing could be done to fix it. Whenever I said yes, H would then turn angry. My guess - he probably felt it was controlling behavior on my part, even though he offered up the solution on his own.

Back to conversation, I said, "No, what for? It would just be an inconvenience for you, and besides that, there are still too many possible ways for her to get ahold of you." He said nothing. (Remember that OW is nearby, a close friend of SIL, and might possibly be moving in with SIL.)

Silence for a while again, then he asked if there was no chance, if I had my mind made up.

I said, "The decision isn't mine to make. It is but it isn't. I made the choice to remain here, for all this time, always open to idea of reconciliation. You came to me and said, time and time again, that that was what you wanted, but you never could bring yourself to a decision. Nearly every time you want to talk about us and the R, all I hear from you is doubt, you don't know what you want, you're afraid, you're confused. You know what, H? I have doubts, too. I'm afraid and unsure about a lot of things, too. But I don't let those negative feelings rule my life everyday. I can't, or I won't make it. I have to be strong not just for myself, but for those 3 wonderful boys of ours. I have to pick myself up and be positive, or I will not make it. If I constantly have doubts, and work up these worst-case scenarios in my head like 'well what if this' and 'what if that doesn't work', then I won't go very far. I will only be drowning myself, and I cannot do that. I do not want to live like that."

H then asked what would have to happen if it wasn't too late. He asked, "I'd have to move in?" I said yes and explained how I felt it was too easy for him to turn the other way whenever things got a little heated while he had another place to run to. I also explained that the time being spent together if he were back in the house with the kids and me could make a big difference, seeing how well we actually were getting along on the few "dates" we've had since the new year. Things always seem to fall apart the longer we go without any contact, over the phone or in person.

And, most importantly, he absolutely could NOT have any communication of any kind with the girl he was dating.

H didn't say anything at first, then quietly said alright. Then he had to go. Said his boss was approaching him.

That was that.

Whew!! Man that was long!

So this is where I am. Unless a miracle happens where H MAKES THE CHOICE to move back in, I AM going through with this D. Quite honestly, I don't feel there will be such a miracle. Sorry, I know that's pessimistic, but you know how it is.

Oh, and I also told H that I didn't think he was being entirely honest with me about the sitch with OW. Told him I thought he either didn't tell OW it was over and not to call him, otherwise why would she continue to do so? Or he broke down and called her himself, being confused as he is, tried to get a feel for the situation to see if he could patch things up with her, but found out that she was "dating and moving on". He said nothing, or maybe nothing convincing enough for me to believe.

MIL confirmed a little of my hunch. I talked with her later today, and she asked how things were going between H and me. I told her. She was upset and disappointed and even said she wondered herself if H was still talking to OW. In fact, she said she kind of knew it. MIL said H sort of ripped into SIL last week about her ongoing drama with her H (sadly, they're getting D'ed, too). Well the info H had was only known to SIL and OW (SIL's good friend) because SIL vented it out to OW. The only way H could have possibly known was to have heard it from OW.

So yeah. It just confirms what I knew deep down inside.

Hope everyone else out there is having better luck in their sitches.