Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

Well crud! Blew it again. H really sets me off in ways that I can't control sometimes. I guess my anger is really bringing out my inner BI%@H!

H hadn't called S13 in 5 days, but who's counting? Anyway, that irked me but I figured it was his problem and I couldn't obsess over it. H had made a Dr's appt for S13 (his monthly med-check w/his psych) when he took him last month. H had told me last week not to contact him unless it had to do with emergency for S13 because I was "Harassing" him. I had been trying to figure out how to tell H to get his own car insurance because I was taking him off mine without contacting him directly when I get a text from him saying to send the car title out with S13 when he picks him up for karate tonight so he can get his own car insurance. I've never heard of an insurance company needing a car title for insurance so I asked who told him he needed it. No response. I sent him a text then (yes, it was a little snarky) asking to clarify for me - He can contact me anytime for anything but I am not to contact him re: anything but I couldn't contact him without being accused of harassment? He sent back I could contact him but not to be so mean because this isn't easy for him either. Oh gees, give me a break. He walks away from all his responsibilities and his family that loves him but this isn't easy for him? Boo hoo, cry me a freakin' river. Ok, obviously a really bad night for me based on the attitude I'm giving off, huh?

I then called him and asked again who told him he needed the title. He said they didn't tell him he needed it he just figured since he is going to be the one driving that car that he should have the title. I got really upset by this because I can't trust him at all now and I said....ok, wait for it......"I am not going to just hand over the car title so you can sell the car out from under me and when you get your way and get the new car since the loan is in your name I'll be left with no transportation." Yeah, I know.....bad, bad, bad......He got completely indignant (with some just cause I guess) that I would think that he would do that. Of course, that how he got when I begged him to tell me if there was OW and he went ballistic on me denying it. I told him that I didn't know what he would do since he is completely nuts right now. He actually laughed at me and said, "I'm nuts, huh?" I said, "Yes. I can't trust you any further than I could throw you." That's when he hung up on me.

OOOOOHHHHHH......that made me so darned mad! I know I shouldn't have talked to him. I was having such a good day before all of this, actually had a good weekend not having to deal with his crud at all. I did later apologize for getting pissy with him but that I am the one left holding the bag for everything and he has walked off to his oh so happy life without us and it's still too raw for me. I did tell him we need to sit down and try to come to some agreement about some things without the L's present so that they don't bleed us dry in the mediation. The more we can agree on in advance the better.

I don't like who my H has become but I don't especially like who I have been either. I'm working on that now but the anger overwhelms all of the good work I've been doing. I need to stop and pray before I react to anything he says or does. I know that but applying it is another story.

Any advice on staying calm when they rattle your cage would be most appreciated.

Thanks for listening all!

[Tipper]

Mishka,
Sounds like your going through a whole lot right now. Try to step back and breath. I know this isn't easy at all.
I guess the only advice I can offer you is to still stand your ground as it sounds you have been. But try to do it in very kind ways, kind of softly & gently. Even when he is a complete jerk about things, you must try and keep your cool. I know it is easier said than done.
If you take the higher road, you will be the one who benefits from it. You will be able to look back and say that you held your dignity through out it all.
The MLCer is going to do every thing you never wanted or expected them to do, just accept this fact. And try to distance your self from it more and more. The more you act like this doesn't bother you and that your life is actually better off with out him, the more it will make himself have to look with in him - instead of always accusing you. He sounds like he is still very much within the MLC tunnel (and having an OW will probably prolong it). How much are you willing to take? The farther you can get from his drama the better. As he will be stuck there for a long time yet.
Keep standing on your own, but distance and make your self more and more mysterious. Make him have to pursue you if he wants anything at all. It sounds like you sure can use a break from his shananigans anyways.
YOU CAN DO THIS, HOLD STRONG & KEEP COMING HERE TO VENT.
TIPPER

[missmyfriend]

Mishka, I would like to share with you a brief story about a woman I worked with. She and her husband split up around the same time that my W left. Her H had been having an affair and my co-worker was extremely upset with her H, calling him names and reacting each time he did something uncaring and selfish. They have two small children and he was not taking care of them very well including not providing for their care and their shared expenses.

I tried to say that she should not allow it to upset her and to not allow the anger to control her. She would call him names all the time whether he could hear it or not. It got to the point where they could not talk at all without yelling at each other and her calling him terrible names. Eventually she didnt do well hiding it from her kids.

She felt justified in her anger. And her marriage will never have a chance to be restored. They hate each other with such venom. I believe love did exist and whatever love was there was extinguished because nothing will ever get through all of the harsh words and bitterness. I know she still loved him at one point, in between all of the terrible things she said. She would cry and ask why this would happen. How could he choose the OW over her. (The OW was nowhere near as attractive as his wife. She was extremely attractive.)

Her anger was not abated because she could vent to others. In fact, it made it worse. Many people think that if you can vent somewhere it allows release. That is not true. It actually feeds anger and begins to be a habit. Holding it in isn't good either. The best thing is to understand where it comes from, why it makes you feel the way it does, understand the other persons perspective regardless how skewed it is, talk to God and pray that He releases the anger from you and allows you to understand how sad your H really is.

If you think about how sad it is that he is throwing away the best things in life. Family is what life is all about. It isn't about sex or other ways to indulge yourself. Never will a person be able to reach happiness through self indulgent acts. It will never be enough. Instead of clinging to family, he runs away. That is incredibly sad. It is equally tragic if you focus on the anger and allow it to destroy you and your relationships.

Mishka, I don't know what to say to you to help you get past your anger. I am not telling you to hide it but it may help if you avoid calling him names or think about how bad he is for what he is doing. Anger feeds anger. Forgiveness brings peace. I want you to have peace.

[mishka422]

MMF - I am truly praying for peace and the ability to forgive him for what he has done and the hurt he has caused. It certainly isn't easy. I hadn't felt quite this level of anger until last night. It's been more of a slow burn that I was able to pretty well control but it really got to me last night when it felt like he was trying to pull more rug out from under me. There has just been too much taken at once and it's getting really hard to push it all down to a place that I can deal with it.

I spend hours every night crying and praying, crying and praying....it's a vicious cycle that is going to kill me (the crying, not the praying - it's the only thing saving me).

I'm not sure how to go about being pleasant in front of him. I still can't stand to look at him, it hurts my heart too much. I know I'm supposed to pray before I talk to him, before I say ONE WORD but my mouth runs away with me before I can stop it. I don't yell but what I say is mean spirited. I regret saying it immediately (not that I don't mean it but I just didn't want it to come out!) but by then he's mad and hangs up.

Losing the person I knew and loved for so many years is just tearing me up but my son losing his dad in his daily life is so awful! I can't stand to see the hurt in my son's eyes when he doesn't hear from his dad for days at a time. I can only fill some of the roles his dad plays in his life, not all of them. I don't know how to help him any more than I am. I'm getting to a better place for myself (some days!) but it's a LOT of hard work.

[missmyfriend]

I know it is hard to act "as if" everything is fine. So much hurt has come your way. Believe me, I understand. I know how hard it was for me to look at my W and act as though what was happening wasn't bothering me. I failed many times. It seems like I would cry easily. I began to realize how it was another form of trying to get her to change. Before I would tell her what she was doing wrong and how she was hurting me and the children. The crying was a non-verbal way of saying the same. All it did was frustrate her and me. I could not see how she could still treat us all that way.

When I stopped arguing with her and stopped crying, she got even more mad at me. I think she was looking for a reaction. I still did not give her one. I did walk away once when she was telling me how she was giving up everything and I was going to end up better off than her in this.

Now, we are starting as friends again. I expect her to get mad at me again but I feel better not getting upset. I don't want to go back to that because it is such an emotional upheaval. When I am alone and thinking about her, I only cry out to God to help me be strong, to have Him be my strength to see my family get through this, restore her to Him and to the rest of the family.

Mishka, yes, you are being impacted by what he is doing to you and your S but this, believe it or not, is his problem and he needs to work through it. There is nothing you can do, outside of litigation, to make sure you are fine financially. Think long term. If you set this tone, it will be so difficult to resurrect a friendship with him again.

What I did to get past the hurt and anger was to not look at what she was doing but all the wonderful things she did with me and for me in our life together. I told myself the same things I told our children. Do not concentrate on what she is doing now but on who she was. The most wonderful mother and wife to our family.

If you can get there Mishka, you should feel much better about yourself and the situation. He, and the circumstances, will have much less control over you.

I am praying for your family Mishka.

[mishka422]

I haven't been on my knees enough in the last couple of days and it shows in my attitude about everything. I am on my way to bible study right now and hoping for some good quiet time beforehand to have a talk with God.

Our pastor shared something interesting this last Sunday in his sermon. He was talking about prayer and getting answers to your prayers. He said that in Korean churches they have a strategy for prayer. They look at their watch before they start praying, they pray, then look at their watch again. However long they prayed, that is how long they sit quietly meditating and listening for an answer. That doesn't mean they will get one right then but it gives them reflective time and make sure that the are indeed listening.

Just a really interesting idea and I thought I would share it with all of you.

[mishka422]

H took S13 to karate last night. When he got home I asked if he was going tonight also and he said yes and that his dad said he would pick him up on Friday after school and also on Sunday after church if we didn't have plans. I sent text to H asking what was going on since we had a schedule for him to have S13 every other Fri 630p-1030p and that was it and he agreed to that schedule. H called me back and said that he wanted more time with S13 and as long as we didn't have plans and he's off work this weekend he'd like the time. I told him that was fine and he asked if we could sit down together sometime soon to talk over some settlements without the L's. Well.....that made me really sad and I couldn't hold back the crying. I was trying really hard but just couldn't do it. As I stood in the lobby of my office trying to maintain I felt all these questions bubbling up in me and had to ask him why he was in such a darned rush to get rid of me. Yeah, not the way to put it but that's how it feels. He filed so fast that my head is still spinning. He said he's not trying to get rid of me.....huh? He says that the reason he left is because we never talked (um...hello? He NEVER has been a talker and all of a sudden this is his concern?) and I spent my weekends watching football (ok, I did that while I was taking care of everything else in the house not like I was sitting on the actual couch doing nothing). He spent all day in bed when he was home watching TV and never interacting with us. It's all about what I didn't do of course.....never about his failings. He is just so calm and happy about throwing me away. I'm so tired of feeling like garbage.

I told him again that I do not want a D, that I don't believe in it and I will never accept it truly in my heart no matter what it says on paper. I didn't expect any reaction from him to that statement and I didn't get one. All he kept saying besides that "all I did was watch football all weekend" (ok, that's a few months out of the year - explain the rest of the year) is that he didn't want to hear me crying. TOO BAD! If it makes you feel bad - tough.

I'm trying to figure out something to do Friday night while H has S13. I don't have any friends who aren't coupled so I don't have anyone to go out anywhere with. I live in suburban hell - VERY few single people in this area who aren't under 30 and no social activities here. I have to get out of the house but do what? Sit like a lump in a bookstore and read? How is that GAL? That's no life - I can do that at home. I don't even know how to have fun anymore. There is no fun, only misery. I guarantee you that if it weren't for my son I would be in an even darker place than I am right now (or not here at all) so I thank God for him every day. He's my anchor to some sanity.

Ok, so I'm obviously having a SERIOUSLY bad day after talking to H. It's also cloudy and cold outside today (35 degrees after it was 67 yesterday) so that doesn't help.

Anyone have any ideas for activities for loners or just something really funny they heard recently? I need something to help perk me up a little.

[mishka422]

Well, happy V day all!

How are you all spending your evening? I asked my S13 if he would be my Valentine. He has a project due for school tomorrow that we're going to have to work on tonight so I'm hoping that will take my mind off what H is doing with OW tonight! It's driving me nuts! I was going to make a special dinner for us tonight and then work on the project but I think I'll just pick something up on my way home or order pizza. I'm not really in the mood to cook anything.

I want so badly to wish my H a Happy V day but I know that would break my heart when he doesn't respond or just says "thx" which is typical. Praying for peace in my soul. We talked yesterday and got into a R talk which I didn't want to do but couldn't help. He keeps pushing the D so fast and I can't handle rushing it like this. I asked why he would just walk away without a fight for our M and, of course, his answer is "I don't know. I just don't feel the same." Yeah, whatever! I don't either! My H is a really strange MLCer though, he doesn't spew hatred and nasty things. He's very calm and just looks and sounds so happy now. I'm in complete misery and have an impossible time acting "as if". I fall apart every time I see him or talk to him. What strategies do you employ to keep yourselves from breaking down?

Stupid radio station is having nothing but love songs and dedications all day today. The rest of my office is loving it but I'm just sitting here at my desk crying all darned day. AWFUL!!!

Any advice about controlling emotional response would be most welcome. Also, anyone have any interesting ideas for something fun to do on a Friday night, alone? I've got to do something but don't want to go sit in the bookstore reading - I can do that at home so what's the point in that?

[missmyfriend]

Mishka, I thought my W was weird as well because she hardly ever spewed. She was done with me. She seemed happy with her "choices" and did not seem to miss me or the kids.

I have learned recently that this is not the case. She is miserable. She is very unhappy.

What appears on the surface is not always as it seems. I am sure deep inside he is not very happy.

I was reading the most recent CharlyneCares message that was from Charlynes prodigal H. He said that he could not stop thinking of Charlyne on the Valentine's Days he was away from her as much as he tried. I have heard the same from others over the years. I never thought much about people I knew who had left their spouses, saying they still miss their spouse, many years later. The challenge for either person was that bridges had been burned. Actually more like nuked!

I do imagine there are some spouses that never look back but I think that is the exception and not the rule.

Your H is probably ticked off trying not to think about you. Being with the OW constantly, he will see her flaws, which are there, and they will drive him crazy. The other side of the fence is not a beautiful picture.

Happy Valentine's Day with your S13!!!

[mishka422]

My poor son! I felt so awful for him tonight. We had to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some supplies for his project. I've been a mess all day and walking in there was not helpful with all the darned hearts, flowers, balloons, etc everywhere. I bit my lip so hard to keep from crying in front of him that I drew blood. Couldn't hold it back though and started crying right in the middle of the kitchen section. I tried to hide it by looking very intently at a skillet but he knew. I just felt terrible that he saw that.

We got his supplies, picked up dinner (oh yeah, Taco Bell...happy Valentines Day!),and went home. Unfortunately the project only took about 30 minutes to finish. I was hoping for a good couple of hours. Thankfully my friend called and we talked for over an hour. She's been through D and knows the emotions well. Her H was the typical WAS though. He never ever looked back. She reminded me of the look in my H's eyes when he saw me at S13's karate class. He looked like he wanted to devour me right there and complimented me which he NEVER, EVER has done. I guess I can hang on to that look in his eyes and hope that it means he's thinking of me.

MMF - I read Charlyne Cares every day. She and Bob have a fantastic testimony. Bob's perspective this week was so powerful. Have you seen the 15FEB one yet? Isaiah 54:4-7 is my new favorite verse. I printed it out and am going to hang it up by my desk to remind me of God's love and guidance in all things in life and that He will never abandon me.