Confusion of a WAW (Thread 7)

I don't think you screwed up pretty bad. In fact I doubt you really changed the sitch at all, just got a lot of things out in the open it sounds like.

We will see - This is the second stressful conversation we've had in a couple of weeks, after no fighting for 4 or 5 months. Yeah, I don't help it and I don't stop it, but it seems to be sourced by something else. Today was probably kicked off by her therapy session that got her braincells jumping around. I'm not absolving my contribution to the problem - Probably would have had a totally different outcome if I had said it on Tuesday or something, instead of tonight.

Sometimes she hugs and kisses you, sometimes she doesn't. Then she gets upset when you try it. Same with the ILY's.
And her b-day?? Come on. She has dinner with you all the time, why wouldn't you want to do something nice for her?
She is kind of cake eating don't you think? I mean she just wants it her way when she wants it and you're supposed to sit back and take whatever she throws at you...not knowing from one minute to the next what you're going to get.
I don't know what I'd rather have Brit...that mass confusion...or my H's all out certainty.

There occasionally is some pattern and consistency to the mass confusion. Usually when she has a more stressful encounter with OM, she'll want to hang out with me either for company, or to talk about it, but she won't be into the physical stuff. Other days, she'll be very affectionate (Last Tuesday is a good example), without any obvious reason for it. Again, I don't think it really has a whole lot to do with me.

You're the second person today who has mentioned cake eating. I spent a bunch of time today working with a lawyer to try to fix a debt problem she has from eons ago that got out of control - I committed to handling it for her a while ago (actually, me NOT helping her caused the last argument), so I'm not just going to throw in the towel with that one. It's hard to figure out - She really has no money and no resources, so when something comes up, she's pretty much screwed. She feels like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders during our marriage, so the less I do to help, the more the idea gets cemented in her head.

Do you know exactly what it is that she considers "old routines and habits"?
She's built up an image of you and it doesn't seem to be changing with your DB efforts. Do you know exactly what change she's expecting in you?

Our R started out with W almost assuming a caregiver role - That's the way she has been with all her R's in the past. She'll take on the burden of everything in order to help the other person, even though it totally exhausts her emotionally and mentally. She's admitted that this really has little to do with me, and it has been a recurring problem for decades.

I don't think much is going to change with W's image of me until she works through her own problems. She has habits and ways of dealing with things (or not dealing, as the case may be) that have caused a lot of tension between us - Problems with anger and trust. She has told me she felt very alone and unappreciated after D was born, which I can understand - I worked a lot and she and I never really took time for ourselves. We spent A LOT of time together, but it obviously wasn't quality time. Of course, she takes any time I put into she and I right now as pursuing, so it's going to be a while before we figure that one out.

Sorry your day turned out this way. I agree with Lizzy that I wouldn't apologize or send an e-mail. Just leave it. Who knows, she may even reflect on it and come to you.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Everything happens for a reason.

We're talking a little on IM now. She seems angry and upset, but not to an extreme like I have seen before. There is probably very little 'talking around the problem' right now. She just needs time to simmer and get over it.