Meredith - your 5 years..

[cagzmom]

I was a pusher, too.
No, not drugs.
I pushed and pushed to get something out of my H whenever we were together. In time, I only succeeded in pushing him further away.

I used to get my little "fix" in by not going more than 3 days seeing my H. But that's all it was...I was seeing him. Standing in proximity to him was not deepening the connection, as much as I had hoped it would!

ah yes illusionville. My "fix" interesting you should use that term. In the beginning of all of this my C told me I was like a drug addict...that I thought just a little will do me a lot of good. I have changed and grown so much....but still it is time for more and it hurts. The fixes for me have changed over the past year. At first I was like so many others - daily phone calls - or quick messages just to "hear" him. Since September I thought I had been doing better - and to be hoenst for the time I think I did...and now it is time for the onion peel once again....

2. I don't need to tell you this, but I will. He won't/can't forget about you. He needs to put you out of his mind right now, but that is not the same as forgetting. Despite the outcome, you will never be forgotten.

As you already know- you feel forgotten, thrown away like an old pair of shoes. It is hard to believe that he will ever see/remember what I cherished...and that it will ever be in fondness and regret.

3. Going dark was never a promise of lessening your pain. Only time can do that. Nor is this a win/lose proposition, unless you look at it in terms of winning yourself back. If your H were to divorce you, would that make you a "loser?" Hell, no. And, since I know that this is a hard concept to swallow, think of anyone in your life who was forced into a divorce they did not want. Would the word "loser" come to your mind when thinking of them?

I use win and loose loosely because my H has seemed to ALWAYS get what he wanted somehow...and he wanted to be rid of me ... hence where I come up with the fact that I am the looser. Me DIVORCED - right now today if I am being honest yes that does = looser. I lost the man I gave my heart to.

4. What is it about going dark that you think will give him this idea? It is not designed as a means to burn a bridge. Going dark doesn't mean going "mean." I really think that this is the hardest part. When I didn't have contact, it was at first hard not to answer the phone (when it finally rang) in either a pitiful voice, or worse yet, an angry voice. It was hard because I did in fact feel both of those things! At those times, I answered with texts. They were nice texts... stuff like, "sorry I missed your call, but here is the info you were looking for..." A text could hide the "a$$hole" or other name that might have otherwise slipped out under my breath...
Seriously, though, please remember this....going dark doesn't mean going mean.

Thank you for explaining that. For real...I think for me right now there are 2 things I have to do for me.... HAVE TO. 1 is to have a plan of "out the door" when he comes to pick up d11 and drop her off...I HAVE to or the lingerlonger will be hard to avoid..much like chocolate during PMS. 2-There truly is NO reason other than life or death for me to contact him (for now) period. AND FOR ME - I NEED TO DO THIS

OK, now, since I know Mer will ask you this...
If your H died tomorrow, and you weren't spending so much time worrying/stressing about this relationship, what would you be doing?

Your response of not knowing what would keep you busy reminds me of myself. At first, I felt this way. But, as time went on, I did begin doing new things. I went back to school. I joined the gym. I volunteered at community events. I met up with kooky people like Meredith and saw movies, shopped, and laughed over drinks. And guess what? My H actually remarked that this was what he wanted from me. He wanted me to have my own life, outside of him and the kids. He wanted to be interested in me again. He sure wasn't interested in himself, so when that's ALL I was interested in...well, you can see how this is a recipe for disaster!

Ah the question for all LBS-- GAL I believe is the term on this BB. I dont know right now. I do know I could easily become a workaholic --- i love my job and what I am learning. I actually thought tongiht about starting to write again (and yes of course I have excuses as to why not to). Nice weather is on its way and walks and things outside are coming..so I have ideas. ALSO I am hoping to be able to buy my OWN HOUSE very shortly......just waiting for the final seperation papers to be done. Living in an apartment (For me for now) is good - but limits thigns.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that an OW would be giving your H unlimited time and praise, etc, so you should, too. That stuff happens in the beginning of a relationship, but it is not the stuff that sustains one.

Oh but here in is the twist...she is 23 and does give him praise praise praise. AFterall he is the "poor" man who was used and abused by me.

This thread is really helping. I have actually been thinking about WHAT I CAN DO FOR ME..more than how I could win him back AND THAT IS A FIRST!!!