Ok the worst thing that could happen if I go dark... I will miss him even more. He will forget about me. The hurt will remain and I will "loose" yet again. He will think that I would NEVER take him back.
1. Sweetie, you may think you miss him more when you don't speak to him, but isn't the deep connection what you are truly missing? In time, you learn that just seeing someone doesn't a relationship make. In thinking in this manner, you are setting yourself up to keep on making more of something that is not there at this time. I was a pusher, too. No, not drugs. I pushed and pushed to get something out of my H whenever we were together. In time, I only succeeded in pushing him further away.
I used to get my little "fix" in by not going more than 3 days seeing my H. But that's all it was...I was seeing him. Standing in proximity to him was not deepening the connection, as much as I had hoped it would!
2. I don't need to tell you this, but I will. He won't/can't forget about you. He needs to put you out of his mind right now, but that is not the same as forgetting. Despite the outcome, you will never be forgotten.
3. Going dark was never a promise of lessening your pain. Only time can do that. Nor is this a win/lose proposition, unless you look at it in terms of winning yourself back. If your H were to divorce you, would that make you a "loser?" Hell, no. And, since I know that this is a hard concept to swallow, think of anyone in your life who was forced into a divorce they did not want. Would the word "loser" come to your mind when thinking of them?
4. What is it about going dark that you think will give him this idea? It is not designed as a means to burn a bridge. Going dark doesn't mean going "mean." I really think that this is the hardest part. When I didn't have contact, it was at first hard not to answer the phone (when it finally rang) in either a pitiful voice, or worse yet, an angry voice. It was hard because I did in fact feel both of those things! At those times, I answered with texts. They were nice texts... stuff like, "sorry I missed your call, but here is the info you were looking for..." A text could hide the "a$$hole" or other name that might have otherwise slipped out under my breath... Seriously, though, please remember this....going dark doesn't mean going mean.
OK, now, since I know Mer will ask you this... If your H died tomorrow, and you weren't spending so much time worrying/stressing about this relationship, what would you be doing?
Your response of not knowing what would keep you busy reminds me of myself. At first, I felt this way. But, as time went on, I did begin doing new things. I went back to school. I joined the gym. I volunteered at community events. I met up with kooky people like Meredith and saw movies, shopped, and laughed over drinks. And guess what? My H actually remarked that this was what he wanted from me. He wanted me to have my own life, outside of him and the kids. He wanted to be interested in me again. He sure wasn't interested in himself, so when that's ALL I was interested in...well, you can see how this is a recipe for disaster! Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that an OW would be giving your H unlimited time and praise, etc, so you should, too. That stuff happens in the beginning of a relationship, but it is not the stuff that sustains one.
So, let's get it out here... A list, please, of things you'd like to try, ON YOUR OWN, for YOU.
