Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[GoingForward]

Wednesday night's R talk started with H saying (over the phone) that he wanted to talk to me about things, but he wanted to do it in person. Suppose I should've been ok with that, but I said if he had something he wanted to discuss he could just tell me now. What was the difference between telling me now or later? He hesitated a bit but agreed.

He began to tell me that all he can do is think about our sitch nonstop, and that he's still confused and afraid to make the wrong decision. He said he is also feeling a lot of pressure because of the rapidly approaching "deadline" I gave him, and he still has a lot of doubts.

I just had this feeling, and I had to ask, "Have you talked to her (OW)?" H said yes, and sounded like he was about to cry, except he didn't. I did. Wasn't sobbing, but the tears were flowing and my voice was shaking. I asked him why when he had told me that he wasn't going to talk to her anymore. He said he had no intentions nor desires to do so.

H said he didn't know why, and he said he was sorry.

I said he lied to me. H said he never promised me anything. I reminded him that when he came to me with the reconciliation talk, that ALL contact HAD to stop with her, or there wasn't going to be any chance. H agreed to it. THAT was a promise, and I said this to him. He said he was sorry again and felt the need to mention that he never told me that I had to stop seeing or talking to my friend (the guy I was dating). He said he wouldn't have cared if I was still seeing/talking to the other guy because our sitch was still uncertain.

I said, "When you came to me and said you wanted to work it out, I ended it without question. I KNEW that I had to stop seeing and talking to this guy, because if I didn't, then I couldn't give 100% of myself to you and to this M. There is NO WAY a R can survive if there are more than two people involved in it. It WILL NOT WORK that way!"

I asked H why again. If he truly meant what he said about not wanting to talk to OW again, then why did he do it? He said he didn't even know it was her, that his phone rang and he just picked it up and answered.

BS!!! He's got caller ID just like everyone else, and he ALWAYS checks to see who's calling him. ALWAYS! I swear, he thinks I'm a gullible idiot!

Anyway, he said she called him to see how he was doing. H said he seldom gets calls where anyone is calling just to ask him how he's doing.

BS again! His mom (and his sister, too) calls him all the time because she's always concerned about him and wants to know how he is, but he never wants to talk with her and just doesn't call her back sometimes. I, myself, have called him before just to say hi and to ask about his day (all mostly during times when H wanted to reconcile), but after always getting, "I gotta go...The control room's calling me" or "(Friend)'s calling me, I gotta go" or "I can't talk right now, I gotta go", I gotta go, I gotta go......I stopped. (I wasn't calling him a lot either, where it didn't concern the kids...probably once a week.)

Back to his call with OW, he mentioned that she told him she was moving on, and that was it. That was all they talked about.

Umm....what? So....I'm supposed to believe this - "Hi, (H). How are you?.....Cool.....I'm good. Well I just called to see how you were doing and to let you know that I've gone on some dates, and I'm moving on. Ok, bye." Whatever.

H said he was sorry that his talking with her, who he also says was/is a friend, hurt me. I said, "It's not so much about you talking to her. It's that you lied to me. You lied to me again, and that is what hurts. It hurts everytime it happens. I was very unsure about trying with you again and didn't know if I could trust and believe you. But I told myself that if I really wanted this M, then I had to give you the benefit of the doubt, and that was exactly what I did. I also told you that I was probably going to need some reassurance from you from time to time. After all that, I pushed my fears and doubts aside, and look at what I get. I'm hurt again." H was quiet.

I said, "If I was about to do something....let's say, like I thought about talking to the guy I was dating again or someone new, while trying to work things out with you. Before I made that decision, I would stop and think, 'If H knew about this, would it hurt him?', and if the answer was yes, I WOULDN'T DO IT."

H said, "Sorry I'm not as perfect as you."

I said, "I am not perfect, H. It is just common sense, and it is caring for someone else's feelings other than your own for once!"

He said nothing. We both didn't say anything for a while, then he said, "So do you not want to talk to me now? Do you hate me now?" He sounded like he wanted to cry again.

I told him I do not hate him; I hate the situation. H said he did, too.

After another long silence, H if I wanted to talk. I asked about what. What more was there to discuss? He said we could talk about if there's still a chance, if it was still possible for us to work things out. I said there is nothing that I can say or do anymore. H was confused and afraid the day he left, and 3 years later, he still is undecided. I cannot make his decisions for him.

He said he would have his phone on and right beside him if I wanted to talk anymore with him. I said it most likely wouldn't happen since it was late and I had to get some sleep. Then we said goodnight and hung up.

I don't think I fell asleep until nearly 1am. Just tossed and turned (and cried) in bed for over an hour.

Anyway, H has called twice today. Once this early morning and again while I was picking up S12 from school. Will write about this in my next post.